tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19832528290041038802024-02-19T01:02:45.770-06:00Discovering Joy in the Storm"He made the storm be still, and the waves of the<br> sea were hushed.
Then they were glad that the waters<br> were quiet, and He brought them to their desired haven." <br>
Psalm 107:29-30
<br>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.comBlogger167125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-75263333747887511762014-09-16T18:50:00.001-05:002014-09-16T18:50:35.394-05:00Two Days To GoTwo more days until Baby E arrives! Its been a long journey for us to this point since we were chosen by emom when she was only about 4 months pregnant and I'm ready to bring my baby home and settle in as a mom of two. He will be delivered via c-section on Friday. The birthplan stated that she wants us in the delivery room and to cut his cord. That will be a new experience for us since J was an emergency c-section we were not able to be there. I will be staying at the hospital but DH will come home so J can sleep at our house. I'm hoping for a one night stay at the hospital, I did not sleep at all the one night we stayed with J. I was glad they didn't have room and made us go to a hotel after that. Everything is ready and I'm just trying to enjoy my time with J as an only child. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-20855960419345352062014-08-26T20:42:00.002-05:002014-08-26T20:42:41.893-05:003 More WeeksBaby #2 is arriving in three weeks! I can't believe how fast time is going by. I finally got a few baby things out and washed them up two days ago. I've been super stressed out about this adoption the past couple weeks. I thought things were going great with L but then we got an email from the lawyer just letting us know that she is taking a lot of pressure from her family to keep the baby but that she was committed to her decision. I would have preferred they kept that info to themselves because all it did was stress me out. Later that week I could not get through on her phone and she didn't contact me before the doctor appointment that was scheduled. So I went to meet her there and she never showed up. That all added up to me freaking out that she was changing her mind about going through with this. We straightened it all out and she got a new phone number. Her appointment was rescheduled for this week. I made DH take off work and go with me for moral support, in case she didn't show or acted awkward like she didn't want to see me. I was actually feeling pretty angry towards her and wondering how she could use us to fully financially support her and then change her mind. I know she has a right to her decision but it would still make me mad. So I had a prayerful heart to heart with God. I didn't ask him to make everything ok and make her follow through with this adoption. I've found that prayers asking for a specific outcome usually end up with me frustrated at God for not answering the way I wanted. So instead, I asked Him to give her peace and comfort during this time, ease her pressure from family and take care of the baby. Then I prayed that I would put all my worthless feelings of anger, worry and judgement towards her aside and just be the friend she needs right now, just be there for her in whatever way she wants and just love her for who she is. And that prayer was immediately answered, I felt so much better. She did show up and was just as friendly and nice as always. The next day she had to go back for an ultrasound and I went to see the baby. We had a good talk and she has started opening up more about her family. I feel like we have developed a better relationship that I have with J's bmom. This time is different in so many ways. <br />
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BTW- Baby is healthy and looks good, they measured him about 5 lbs and 7 oz today and he has 3 weeks to grow yet. <br />
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Something I've been thinking about this week is adoption loss. Everyone worries about going to the hospital and walking out empty handed because the birthmom changed her mind. It is real and although it hasn't happened yet to me, I feel for those who have experienced it. These past couple weeks when I was sure she was going to change her mind, I started to feel like I did when I had my miscarriage. I cried almost every day, developed my eye twitch that only happens when I'm super stressed and have been short on patience with everyone. The worst part is always that its hard to talk about because no one understands. People have asked me if I'm really that attached, its not like he's been growing in my belly, we can just move on to the next situation and a different baby right? No people, no, I can not just let him go and wait for a different baby. I've been thinking about him for 6 months, I've been making plans for him, imagining what he'll look like, thinking about him and J playing together in a few years, wondering what kind of man he'll grow up to be, I've seen him on the ultrasound, we named him. He has a name, OUR name. So if this doesn't work out, don't act like its no big deal. If she keeps this baby, it will be a very big deal to me. I respect her right to make her decisions and I can't imagine what she's going to feel if she does follow through with this adoption. But my heart is all in this too. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-30577970327669017742014-07-27T17:44:00.001-05:002014-07-27T17:44:21.109-05:00Why is open adoption hard to understand? Here's a quick summary of what's new......James had his second birthday last weekend. We spent the weekend with his birth parents. We hadn't seen them for almost a year but everything went great. I'm not even really sure what to say because its so much like visiting any other part of our family that its not really news worthy. So many people don't understand open adoption or the relationship we have with them. I heard so many times from friends and family "oh you have to go see them for his birthday?" And the answer is no we don't have to, we are choosing to because we want to. We don't just do it because we are suppose to or because its the right thing to do or because its the best thing for James. We do it because we want to. The other question I've been asked a lot is "does he recognize them?" Recognize them as what? His mom and dad? The people who conceived him? How would he recognize them as anything other than extended family or friends we see occasionally? Until he gets old enough to understand the adoption process he's not going to think of them as his first parents. He might always have a special connection to them but for now he's so friendly with everyone that I couldn't really tell a difference. They are not our enemy, I'm not threatened by them or afraid that he will grow up wishing they were his parents instead of me. There are so many people that think adopted children grow up longing for their birth parents and resenting their adoptive parents but I have personally met several adoptees and they all have said their adoptive parents are their parents in every way. They even appreciate them more so because they were chosen and loved by them in a special way. Seriously why do so many naive people, including family, act like I'm a second rate parent? I won't even get started on that rant.<br />
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As far as baby #2 to goes, the drama continues. They have helped her get food stamps and some other local assistance that has eased our burden of fully supporting her financially. Although it is still costing us so much in birth parent expenses that its frightening. We should still end up spending about the same as our first adoption though. I was getting really upset feeling like she was only using this for the financial benefit but since having a talk with our facilitator and L herself, I do feel a little better about helping her out. We just believe in the "hand up not a hand out" theory and it was really starting to feel like we were just giving her a free ride and that was upsetting to us. We really do want to see her end up in a better place after she has the baby and now I feel like we're making a difference. She recently got her own place and both her daughters are starting school this year so she should be able to find work after she has the baby. The new dramatic twist is that the birth father is back in the picture and is apparently a dangerous guy with dangerous connections. That was one of the reasons for her getting her own place, so he couldn't find her. He's not in favor of this adoption but I don't for see him contesting the adoption legally because he will not want to draw attention to himself. But I have had night mares about him hunting us down looking for his child. Night mares that always result in death. So needless to say I'm a little freaked out by who he is. DH made the mistake of giving my parents the details and now they are asking us to get out and let someone else have this child. But how could I do that when I feel like God called us to this situation. A good friend reminded me that maybe its just Satan trying to scare us away from this path. That made a lot of sense to me since its been one thing after another causing me doubts. Really if we adopt this baby it will become part of God's family and if we don't it will more easily be another soul for Satan to claim, so of course he's trying to stop us from adopting this baby. At least that's what I tell myself. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-85924744885785521352014-06-25T18:10:00.000-05:002014-06-25T18:10:30.847-05:00Can I get my straight jacket in pink?I haven't updated for a while. Life has been stressful. A couple weekends ago we were at a wedding, J didn't get a nap and by 9pm showed a side of him I have not seen before. It was pure 2 year old evil. And I lost it, like really lost it. There were tears, screaming, bad words, hyper ventilating, and that was just from me. Add a two year old tantrum and poor DH had his hands full. Although I did wait until we were in the car and J was asleep to have my tantrum. Sometimes when life is so busy and stressful, I don't even realize its getting to me until I break. It definitely takes a special man to stand by me through all the crazy and still love me. Although a brief stay at the asylum does sound like a nice get away sometimes. <br />
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A few weeks ago I went to an ultrasound appointment with L and we got to see the baby. I feel like I should say it was awesome to see the baby but I didn't really feel any sort of attachment, it still felt like someone else's baby. She hasn't had any doctor appointments but I was glad I got to go and hear for myself that everything is looking good. And we found out if James is having a baby brother or sister, which I will reveal later :) Sorry! We also found out her due date isn't until late September. Which is fine except that means we are paying a couple extra months of her expenses, which are getting ridiculously high already. With our first adoption we used an agency with a flat fee, so we were hoping to save money doing it this way. And we should still save around 10k but the financial risk is huge this time. We paid the agency after placement so if J's birth parents had chosen to keep him we would not have been out our money. This time if she chooses not to place we will be out 16k. I would be super worried if she hadn't already gone through with an adoption before, it gives me some peace of mind although I'm still very worried. We've had a lot of drama with her in and out of jail and other circumstances. I've been losing a lot of sleep over this the past several weeks. And just when I think everything has calmed down there is a new twist. Last week the law firm actually offered us the chance to get out now and get all our money back and I was seriously tempted. But I do believe that this is God's plan for us so we will stay the course and hope we don't end up broke with no baby in the end. It really should not even be legal to have someone pay your bills for 7 months and then keep the baby and they are just out their money, it really is robbery. But we agreed to take the financial risk so we will just keep praying it all works out. <br />
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Besides all that drama, life with a two year old is a whole different kind of drama that makes me seriously wonder what is wrong with me for wanting another child. Yesterday James fell and hit his head, it was pretty ugly and I was worried about him. But he was fine, just kept on playing like it was no big deal. A couple hours later he had a total melt down, like he was seriously dying because the wagon wouldn't stay hooked to his tractor. Two year old logic leaves me completely confused. Potty training is an ongoing battle, some days I feel like he has it mastered and the next I think we've made no progress. And no matter what we're doing, if its mommy's idea, there is no way he's going to do it. 5 minutes later when its his idea, its the coolest thing ever. Even his kisses are painful, they usually start with banging his head into mine, followed by licking my face,then a nose rub that may or may not involve snot and then a hug that comes with a complimentary shoulder bite. Yep, he's a sweetheart! <br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-49705700690312058162014-04-29T13:06:00.000-05:002014-05-03T20:16:02.879-05:00My Little J Is Growing Up! I can't believe it was almost exactly two years ago that we were just finding out that J was on the way. Time really does go by too fast. Since we got the news about a new baby coming soon, I got to thinking about how it will affect J. He will turn 2 right before this baby arrives and there have been a couple transitions I've been thinking about making. Moving out of the crib and potty training. Potty training has been on my mind for a long time and I just have not wanted to do it. Even though I feel like he's been ready. We started with the transition to a toddler bed around Easter. It was so much easier than I thought. J has always gone to sleep on his own, we read a few books then put him in his crib. Sometimes he would cry a few minutes but unless he wasn't feeling good he would go right to sleep. In the mornings he would play in his crib until I got him out of bed. I actually put a gate on his door because he is upstairs and the steps are so steep I don't want him falling down them when he gets up. The first night I sat next to his bed until he fell asleep. I think I was more of distraction. It took about an hour and half but he didn't cry. Just wanted to play. The next night I tucked him in and left. He got out of bed, cried for a few minutes and when I went to check on him he was back in his bed sound asleep. In the mornings he gets up and sit in his chair to read his books. The nights really depend on how tired he is and he's been sick so sometimes I do spend more time than usual putting him to bed.<br />
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Since that went so well I decided we should get started on potty training this week. My strategy is get rid of the diapers and just stick with it. Except at night we will still use an overnight diaper for a while. So yesterday was day 1 and we went through 12 pairs of underwear. But I think he did good, a lot of those were just leaks and we would run to the bathroom and finish. He goes when I ask him too and when he has an accident he says "oh no, potty!" I think recognizing those things is half the battle so I feel like if we stick with it he can totally do this. We are half way through day two and he only had 2 accidents this morning. I'm happy with that and hoping that's a good sign that he's figuring it out. Even though he's doing really well its exhausting for me. I was so tired of running to the bathroom and changing his clothes yesterday. I am determined to be committed to it this time, we've tried a couple times before but I gave up. This time I think he's ready, he seems willing and I just have to have patience and keep at it. The sooner we can make some of these transitions the easier it will be when the new baby comes home. <br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-27658871289439200362014-04-25T14:17:00.002-05:002014-04-25T14:17:42.374-05:00My Blind Date<div dir="ltr">
We met our new future birth mom this week and I really liked her. She is so cute and funny. I wrote before that I was trying not to be nervous, like I was just going to make a new friend but DH had a better way of putting it. He said it was like a being set up on a blind date. We didn't know much about her, brought a small gift we had to guess she might like, and then had dinner while trying to make small talk and get to know each other. All the way home I kept asking DH "do you think she liked us? Do you think it went well?". And when we got home I cried to DH because this is just so hard sometimes. Its hard to be emotionally invested in something we have so little control over. But if I'm not all in emotionally I stand to lose a lot of good memories and joy to share with my child someday. The next day I kept waiting for the phone to ring hoping our facilitator would call and tell us what L thought of us. She said she really liked us and is happy her baby will grow up on a farm. </div>
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I'm suddenly remembering how hard adoption was. In retrospect it seems like adopting J was a piece of stress free cake. It wasn't although it was easy compared to other stories I've heard. But even when its easy, its still hard. Our meeting was pretty relaxed and I think everyone was as comfortable as possible given the situation. Our facilitator, I'll call her B, said I should bring a small gift. So I spent about $15, got L some lotion, body wash and a facial scrub. I included a coloring book, glitter crayons and a Minnie mouse book for the two girls she is parenting. I also got a cute little flower pot, put a packet of flower seeds in it and filled the rest with candy. She seemed happy and said her girls would love it. Its hard buying a gift for a stranger that wants to give you her baby. The whole situation is potentially awkward and strange if you think about it. But I just pray and try to go with the flow knowing this is the plan God has for us. </div>
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Yesterday when B called she told me that I should call L today and just say that I wanted to check in and it was nice meeting her the other night. I did not want to do it very badly, I'm not good at making phone calls or small talk. I warm up to people slowly, I'm just not overly friendly, more reserved usually. So I spent most of the day stressing over it and when I finally did it was weird. First she was confused about who I was, then acted like it wasn't really her, then when she realized who I was said oh sorry I saw your number and thought you were someone else. Then she didn't seem to want to talk, just get off the phone quickly. Maybe she was just busy or maybe she doesn't want to have that close of relationship. I don't know. This is so hard sometimes. It really is like dating, wanting the other person to like you but not knowing or being comfortable enough to ask what they are thinking or how they really feel, just guessing and over analyzing everything. All the time feeling pressured to be perfect because she has the power to take my dreams for the future away. Making the whole thing worse I facebook stalked her before I called. Of course a lot of her stuff is private but what I did see seems very different from the woman we met. Adoption is a roller coaster sometimes. We had ups and downs our first time around too. I just need to stop worrying about everything. We're taking J to the circus this weekend for the first time and I know he's going to love it. If everything else falls apart I still have DH and J. Not all my dreams for the future revolve around this new baby. </div>
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<b><i>Father help me to remember that my future is in Your hands and no one else. You know the plans you have for me, I don't need to know them and I don't need to control them. I trust You. One step at a time. You have brought me this far and as hard as adoption can be, I know You chose this path for me for a reason. Give me the strength and courage to emotionally invest and grow this relationship with my new friend L into what you desire it to be. </i></b></div>
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-82772917927672142922014-04-23T14:34:00.002-05:002014-04-23T14:34:28.798-05:00Big Day For Our Family!Today is a big day for our little family. First of all we had our home visit to finish our homestudy. I have been cleaning and organizing like a mad woman for the past week and J has been working like crazy to undo all my efforts. Since this is our second homestudy I understand that they don't care how clean the house is. But I care, I don't want her thinking we live like pigs around here. Even though we totally do, the house is always a mess and I hate dusting. This home visit was good motivation for me to do some spring cleaning so I'm glad that can be crossed off the to do list now. The meeting went great, this social worker is so much better than the last. I felt like with our first homestudy, the agency social worker didn't like us or was always judging us. This one is so friendly, seems to understand and have a lot in common with us and is just over all more pleasant. So now our homestudy is done, we just have to wait for it to be written and approved which will take no longer than 30 days. <br />
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In even bigger more exciting news.....we have already been matched with a expectant mom! The facilitator we're working with has been showing our profile since early February. With our first adoption I blogged about the process after the fact, so this time I'm trying to share it as we go. Last Monday we got an email about a situation. It sounded perfect for us. While this is not the first situation that sounded good it was exactly what we were hoping for. Local, actually a price we can afford, no drug or alcohol use, she has already had 4 healthy children and she has made an adoption plan before so this is not her first experience with adoption either. Tonight we have our first meeting with her. When we had our first meeting with J's birthparents I was so nervous. I wanted nothing more than to get in the car and go home. This time I have been more relaxed and laid back. But I'm a little nervous. I believe 100% that God's hand is in this so I completely trust that this will work out as He intends. If we can't be ourselves then its not a good match anyway so I have no reason to be worried about impressing her. Every thing worked out perfect with J's adoption and I know this one will too. I'm excited and nervous but I keep telling myself I'm just going to make a new friend tonight. Nothing to worry about :) <br />
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This is happening so much sooner than we planned. I thought working privately with a small facilitator that getting a match would take longer. We know people who worked with this group and waited a year and half with no match before moving on to work with someone else. I thought we would just put our profile out there and patiently wait while we saved some money and if it never happened then J was meant to be an only child. One thing this adoption seems to have in common with our first is that God just keeps giving me a little nudge, saying "just take this one step right now, don't worry about where the road leads". So I take it one step at a time and before I know it I have one kid and now maybe two. But its a good thing, I'm really excited about having another baby. We only plan on two so this will make our family complete, at least I think so according to my plan. Who knows what God's plan is for our family! Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-18728971434534209002014-04-18T19:14:00.000-05:002014-04-25T09:31:01.928-05:00The Easy Roads<div dir="ltr">
Some of you may have noticed that this blog has been hard to access lately. I've always kept it sort of a secret from people I know in real life because I'm a private person and I am not quick to open up and share with people until I know they can be trusted. I have shared this blog with only a few trusted friends. Several months ago I made a mistake trusting it to someone I shouldn't have and I've made it private recently in hopes that person would stop reading and forget about it. But I don't just write this as a journal for my own feelings, I want others to be able to relate to our adoption, infertility and life struggles and hopefully something I write will be meaningful to them. That won't happen if no one can access it so I'm putting it back out there anyway and I won't censor what I write just because I'm afraid of who is reading it.</div>
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Here's whats been on my heart and in my prayers lately. Hate. Its not usually a feeling that I find overwhelming. I'm generally pretty positive but recently its been trying to take its hold on me. Life has been hard, we're financially struggling, J is acting like a two year old, gave up on my best friend and DH is constantly stressed and in a negative mood. I've been praying for my own attitude and asking God how to deal with people when all I want to do is treat them they way I think they deserve. Anger, hate, indifference, self centeredness - those are the easy roads to take. The easy emotions to feel and express. But God keeps telling me to take the hard road - forgiveness, love, compassion, patience. Why God? They don't deserve it! </div>
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Somewhere I read that hurting people are the ones that hurt others. When someone one hurts you, its not their fault, they really just need love. Last night I was reminded of Jesus and Peter. Peter loved Jesus whole heartedly, gave up everything to follow Him. And in the moment of truth, when it all mattered Peter said he didn't know Jesus, turned his back and left him out in the cold. And he didn't just do it once, he did it three times. I imagine Jesus was pretty hurt that a trusted friend would betray Him like that. But maybe Peter was just scared and hurting too. I bet Peter felt like a real jerk and a pretty bad friend, like He failed and let Jesus down when He needed him the most. After He had risen, Jesus not only forgave Peter but He gave him a chance to make up for it in a way by asking Peter three times if he loved Him. And Jesus wasn't all bitter and angry and act like "how can you say you love me now when three days ago you denied it?". Instead he trusted Peter and sent him out to be a fisher of men because He knew Peters heart. </div>
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I may not know another persons heart but God did command me to love my neighbor so maybe I shouldn't judge how people deserve to be treated and just love them anyway. </div>
Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-34248717603973017122014-03-08T11:02:00.001-06:002014-03-08T11:02:19.021-06:00Turbofire Inferno PlanThis past week DH and I followed the Turbofire Inferno Plan. Its a 5 day workout and meal plan to help you cleanse your body and kick start your metabolism. "Get hot by the weekend!" is their claim. Its the weekend and I'm not hot but I do feel a lot better. They claim you will lose 5-10 pounds in 5 days and I know that's not realistic in terms of fat loss but is most likely what I call garbage weight, water retention and junk in your system. So I lost 5.5lbs in 5 days and my jeans do fit better so I consider it a success. This was the first time for me following a meal plan and this one is designed to be restrictive. Its just under 1200 calories a day and 400-600 of those you burn doing the workouts. It was tough, I've never liked restrictive diets but it was nice having meals planned out and the recipes were actually really good. I had a cheat meal on Day 3 when I had to have lunch with family but I tried to keep it low cal and Day 5 I had a piece of banana pie. So I didn't follow it perfectly. <br />
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Here's my new plan. We're going to try to follow the Chalean Extreme meal plan 5 days a week with freedom on the weekends to eat responsibly. I want to do the weight training workouts as they are laid out but substitute turbofire on the cardio days. I'm just not a fan of the Chalean Extreme cardio. My goal is make the weight training non-negotiable and be somewhat flexible when it comes to cardio. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-27273651050085945972014-03-03T15:16:00.000-06:002014-03-03T15:16:28.016-06:00Homestudy MeetingThis past weekend we had our first home study meeting. We are doing the homestudy only option through Adoption Minnesota. We are much happier with our social worker this time, she is much less bossy and judgemental than the last one. We also got a free consultation with an adoption attorney in our state. Since the law firm we are working with is out of state we will need to hire an attorney here in MN as well, plus an attorney for whatever state the child is from. This one charges $3200 just to handle the paper work. I can see how private adoption can get expensive. But we set our budget and still hope to spend around $20k vs the $30k our previous agency is now charging. Our final meeting will be the end of March. We needed some time to come up with the second half of the homestudy fee. Since our profile is already being shown we are in no rush. I haven't heard back about the native american baby situation. I assume she hasn't chosen us or is reconsidering her adoption plan. I'm a little disappointed, I was getting excited about having a new baby soon but I'm also relieved because I have no idea where we would get the money to pay for another adoption so soon. <br />
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<br />Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-71115536052021013182014-02-26T20:41:00.001-06:002014-04-25T09:31:09.749-05:00Just Be Held<br />
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You all know I'm a big Casting Crowns fan so I'm super excited they have a new album out. I'm also going to their concert again in April, this will be the third time for me. I'm a fan of several different kinds of music. I am most definitely not musically talented but still feel a connection to music as a listener. It makes me think, helps me understand my feelings and see things in a way I can't quite put into words on my own. Whenever I hear a song from the past that was an old favorite I can tell you exactly what was happening in my life at that time and why I felt a connection to that song and it brings those feelings back.<br />
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Here are a couple lines that really speak to my heart <i>"And when your tired of fighting, chained by your control, There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go". "Your world's not falling apart, its falling into place, I'm on the Throne, stop holding on and just be held."</i> <br />
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I've been trying to focus more on the important things in life lately. For a long time I have been caught up in doing things my own way and not really wanting God to be part of my life like He used to be. I think its because I had some sins I didn't want to let go of and by pushing God away it made it easier to hold on to them. Then one day a couple months ago I prayed and told God I didn't want to give them up but that I knew I had to and it would be hard but I was ready to lay it down and let it go. And it did feel like my world was falling apart and it was really hard to let it go, I was tempted so many times to go back to those sins. I still am, Satan knows my weaknesses and will always be calling me back to dark places. So many things have changed for the better since I did that, I just feel happier and more at peace. Sometimes its really hard to let go but we have to do it and someday we can look back and see how it really was an important step for things to fall into place according to His plan. I'm not the faithful child I once was but I always come back to My Father with a deeper understanding of His love. <br />
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Here's a couple more lines I like. <i> "And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand, I'm painting beauty with the ashes, your life is in my hands." "In the storm is where you'll find Me, And where you are I'll hold your heart." </i><br />
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When I think about things that I am currently struggling with I wonder how much I bring it on myself. Maybe I'm so focused on the storm that I can't see anything else, maybe I keep myself in my own sorrow. There is joy to be found in the storm. The storm is where God works His wonders on us. I don't know why I keep<br />
fighting to get myself out of the storms, I know God will protect me whether I fight or just sit back and relax. It would save myself a lot of trouble if I would stop fighting and let Him do His work on me. There is joy to be found here, I just have to look. <br />
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DH and I have been through a lot of stuff over the years. The longer we are together the more we recognize and honestly accept our own faults rather than being defensive and protecting ourselves. Now sometimes an <br />
accusation is responded to with a "yeah your right", instead of more angry words. There have been many times that a fight ends with me crying in DH's arms about how broken I am, how I fail as a wife and mother and how I will never be the person God wants me to be or even the person I want to be. DH always says that he loves me more at those times then any other, when I'm vulnerable and my soul is bared. I'm an ugly mess,falling apart and he loves me more. Joy in the storm. I think when we're honest with ourselves we're all a broken mess inside. But He is painting beauty with the ashes. <br />
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<b><i>Father, thank you for taking me back into Your arms no matter how many times I try to go my own way. Your love is so hard for me to understand when I know how unworthy of a sinner I am. Thank you for the hard times that bring me back to You and remind me how much beauty you really do paint from the ashes. Protect me from myself and my own weaknesses. When it feels like my world is falling apart, help me to keep my eyes and heart focused on You, let go and just be held. </i></b>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-53408975095848751082014-02-20T16:11:00.001-06:002014-02-26T19:59:26.125-06:00Disneyland For AdultsIn April it will be our 10 year anniversary. I've been itching to take a real vacation and our anniversary seemed like a good excuse to get away. Plus if we are adopting another child soon, we won't be getting away without the kids much for a while. I've heard Las Vegas called the Disneyland for adults and after a few days there I have to say it was. I have been there twice before with my family, once around age 12 on a road trip to visit my grandparents and again when I was 18 and we went to a NASCAR race there for my brother's graduation. We took a lot of family vacations when I was a kid and they are some of my best memories. I hope that we can do the same for our kids when they get old enough. DH never did much traveling so everything is new to him too. That's part of why we chose to go to Las Vegas. Its not somewhere we would likely go on a family vacation with kids. <br />
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Las Vegas is known as sin city and I was not sure DH and I would have fun there. We're not party animals and we are to tight with our money to be gamblers. When I thought of Las Vegas I imagined parties, drinking, gambling, food, show girls and spending lots of money. While we did experience all of those things, it wasn't nearly as bad as I imagined. Here's a summary of our 3 days in Vegas.<br />
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We flew in on Thursday night, with the time change it was after 2am according to my clock so we went right to bed. I had a horrible time sleeping that night, DH was snoring, I was feeling terrible guilt over leaving James for several days and I wasn't sure we should have even spent all this money for a weekend away. So the first night I only got a few hours of sleep, not a good way to start the weekend. We stayed at the Monte Carlo and I really liked it. It was quieter than a lot of the other hotels, the beds were super comfy and the rooms were fairly spacious. That morning we got up and went to Planet Hollywood for breakfast at The Spice Market Buffet. DH had prime rib for breakfast at 9am. Not really my thing but he wanted to get his money's worth. It was a good meal though. After that we walked around and checked out some of the other hotels at that area of the strip. We went to the dolphin and white tiger habitat at the Mirage. It was alright but we live close to the Omaha Zoo and most other exhibits fail in comparison so I wasn't too impressed. We had some time before one of our tours started so DH thought we should bring the stuff I bought back to our hotel. That was a mistake, the extra walking killed my feet and we were only half way through our first day. Then we got picked up for our Pawn Stars tour at TI. While the Pawn Shop was a disappointed the other stops and the tour itself was great. We visited Ricks Restorations, Count's Customs, Toy Shack, and my favorite Tanked. We are big fans of the show even though a lot of other people had never heard of it. The General was our guide and he's a really cool guy.<br />
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After our tour we had about an hour to relax and get ready for our party bus. DH and I are generally pretty lame, we have never been the wild and crazy party type. But I love to get dolled up and dance so the one thing I wanted to do on this vacation was check out some of the top A-list Las Vegas clubs. I wasn't sure if we would get in and didn't want to pay the covers or buy expensive drinks so Party Tours sounded like a great idea and they gave me a two for one promo code. We saved a ton of cash doing it this way. We started at the Hard Rock Cafe where we got 2 for 1 specials, champagne on the party bus to the first club which was Light at Mandalay Bay. By far my favorite, ladies got two free drinks, they have amazing lighting and atmosphere and the best part was the cirque du solei dancers. They were awesome and added to vibe. After that we got free drinks on the party bus, took a little cruise down the strip and our next club was Surrender at Encore. DH and I had enough to drink that we were able to dance the whole time we were here without losing that good feeling. Back to the party bus for more free drinks on the way to our last club which was Pure at Caesars Palace. I thought this would be the best but it wasn't, too crowded, it was 4am and my feet were really killing me by this point. But we had a great night and met some interesting people on the party bus that kept us entertained. We donated some money to the casino before we went to bed. DH was winning at one point but of course we didn't quit while we were ahead. <br />
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After a few hours of sleep, I was ready to go again except for my aching feet which now had some sore legs from dancing all night to go with them. We ate breakfast at our hotel's buffet and walked over to the Excalibur and Luxor to pick up our show tickets for that night. Then on to Mandalay Bay to check out the Shark Reef Aquarium. It was alright but again I wasn't too impressed. We didn't rush much this day, spent a lot of time just sitting, people watching and enjoying being together with no stress. Donated some more money to the casino. Tournament of Kings was the show we chose to use our free tickets for since it came with a meal. It was a good show, more DH's thing that mine but still entertaining. After that we had some time before our next show so we spent some time in Coyote Ugly at NYNY, we were there early enough to avoid the cover charge and get two for one specials. I was surprised at the guy to girl ratio here, by far way way more guys. I don't know why because ladies got free shots! The girl on the bar doing the entertaining was pretty funny, a bit harsh the way she treated the guys but some guys like their women that way. Then we went back to the Luxor for Fantasy. I thought this show might be a little risque for us but it was actually really good. Jamie Lynch had an amazing voice and the comedian was hilarious too. It was only about 2am when we went to bed that night but I was getting pretty exhausted.<br />
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Sunday morning we didn't do much, ate at our hotel, did some shopping and donated a little bit more money to the casino. We had to be at the airport by 2pm so it was a short day. We agreed to only spend the cash we brought with us and not use the credit card. That cash was saved with the intent that it would spent in Vegas. So anything we wanted to do, DH just had to open his wallet. We didn't worry about how much it cost or how much we had left. We had a great weekend. We needed it. Daily stress had really been wearing us down and eating at our marriage to the point where we have asked each other why we are even still married. Turns out when you take away the stress, DH and I are still very much in love and enjoy being together. Maybe DH has always been my best friend, I've just taken it for granted. Overall Las Vegas was every bit the Disneyland it was promised to be. For us it was a magical place where stress, parenting, bills and work did not exist. I wish that I could make that vacation feeling last but unfortunately we lost it by the time we got our car unthawed in the -6 degree Minnesota weather.<br />
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<br />Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-84116071826865657932014-02-17T09:02:00.000-06:002014-04-11T21:10:15.175-05:00ForgivenessMy heart hurts today. A good friend really hurt me this week. I won't get into details but I'm not sure our friendship will be repaired this time. Maybe its a good thing, maybe its a mistake, I'm not really sure. I gave this person a huge part of me and now I'm wondering how to go on without it. I used to go this friend about everything in my life, good, bad, exciting, boring or just to talk about nothing at all. So now it feels empty, like something is missing.<br>
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I know DH should be my best friend. But everyone needs someone on the outside. Someone they can talk to for a different perspective. I have other friends but not like this. Not someone I talk to almost every day and that knows my deepest darkest secrets. I'm not really mad at this person. I've never really bought into all that not hurting people you love stuff. Its life, people are going to hurt you and your going to hurt them, even if you love them. The only perfect love is the love Our Father has for us.<br>
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Forgiveness was never in question, its always just automatic with this person. I'm a little angry though. I'm not perfect, I hurt people too but I usually feel bad enough to at least offer a band-aid afterward. It makes me angry when someone can just walk away like nothing happened. But we never really know how other people deal with things, not everyone expresses themselves the way I do. <div><br></div><div>Do you ever notice how sometimes other people don't understand forgiveness? Even Christians who know what Jesus did for us and hear endless sermons on forgiveness don't really understand it. When someone wrongs you, they expect you to be mad and hate them and so when you don't they seem confused or feel worse. Of course some people go on with their lives, not even seeming to care whether you forgive them or not. But for some people I think it hurts them more when you forgive them and still love them because they know they don't deserve it. How true of God's forgiveness towards us. We did nothing to deserve it, usually we take it for granted and continue on with our sins. We are so unworthy of forgiveness yet Our Father gives it anyway. <br>
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<b><i>Thank you Father for sending Your Son to bear the burden of my sins even though I don't deserve Your forgiveness. Please heal my hurt and fill this emptiness with peace and love for You.</i></b> </div>Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-24300263907439601062014-02-15T10:43:00.001-06:002014-02-15T10:43:10.500-06:00Adoption UpdateRemember that lawyer I said we met at an adoption seminar? In December we decided that we were ready to meet with them and get the ball going on another adoption. I actually am not sure I'm ready to be mom to two children but we figured by going the private route that it will take longer. We want J to have a sibling and I want to complete our family sooner rather than later. I think that I'd like to have another little boy that looks like J. I like boys and want him to have a brother. But I told DH that I feel like what we need is a little native american girl. DH has some native american heritage but doesn't know much about it since his family is so disconnected from each other. If we had a native american girl to add to our family we would have a boy and a girl, one that looks like me and one that looks like DH, plus it would be a way for him to connect to his own heritage. So even though I don't feel totally ready we started our homestudy. All the paperwork was so much easier the second time! In a couple weeks we have our first meeting with the social worker. This law firm does their own profile books and I gave them all the info and pictures they needed for that. But they hadn't worked on it for weeks, which was fine since I'm in no hurry. Then one day she calls and says they want to work on our profile book immediately and by the way there is a birthmom they want to show us to. WHAT!? I'm thinking we are on the long slow route here, not the fast track! We were away for the weekend so it had to wait a few days but then they put a rush on finishing our profile and sent us more info about this birthmom. And what do you know, she's native american and pregnant with a little girl, due 2 days after our 10 year anniversary in April. She has some addiction issues, is only an hour away, wanting an open adoption, and already has a child. All of which makes me nervous about the situation. But she hasn't even chosen us yet so we will see and I'm trusting God to lead us to the right child. I'm telling myself that I will be happy if she chooses us and somewhat relieved if she doesn't so either way is fine. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-20547667434810444742014-01-14T12:06:00.001-06:002014-01-14T12:06:31.996-06:00Worst. Auntie. Ever.My SIL had their 3rd baby a few weeks ago. Most of you know that a lot of my posts have centered around her and my jealousy. I thought I was over it now that I have J. But I'm not really. Its different but its still there. When she first got pg again I made my usual "must be nice to get pg so easy" comments to DH but I didn't give it too much thought. Throughout her pregnancy I didn't really think much about it, at this point it kind of seems like she's always got a pregnant belly and was nothing new. I've had a little baby fever myself so I was a excited to have a new baby to snuggle and love on. I was excited to be an auntie again. Until my new little niece arrived. Then I felt the need to be distant. We stopped by the hospital and I held her but we only stayed less than 10 minutes. I just didn't get that new baby love feeling, I think its because I'm jealous that it seems so easy for everyone but me. They don't even appreciate the freedom they have to choose how many children they want to have and when they have them. Then they tell me that I have it so easy because I don't have to be recovering from giving birth while taking care of a newborn. But nothing about adoption is easy and it is definitely not under my control or choice. We have to trust every step of finding our children to God. That's not a bad thing, its just not an easy thing like deciding you want another baby and then getting pregnant and having one. After that short visit at the hospital I didn't visit my new niece for 10 days and they only live 5 min. away. When I finally did visit I held her for about 1/2 hour. When she was baptized DH and I were her sponsors but didn't even get in on the family pictures and I didn't hold her at all that day. I feel bad. I'm not a good auntie at all. Or a good SIL. When we brought J home my SIL was always here bringing food. playing with J, offering to babysit. <br />
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I haven't actually shed any tears of jealousy or hurt over this third baby of theirs so in that way its different. I'm not openly anger and bitter like before. I just don't care. Maybe I should make more of a fuss. Maybe I'm being too self centered and too wrapped up in my own problems. Its just seems like I get less emotionally invested in things these days. I don't know if I'm growing up, growing cold hearted or just growing too busy giving all my energy to J. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-74575921021250224342013-12-22T14:27:00.003-06:002013-12-22T14:27:27.537-06:00Holiday SpiritInstead of apologizing like I always do for my lapse in blog updates, I'm going to pretend like I didn't just let another 7 months didn't go by without a single post. I've been reading some of my old posts and its interesting how life has changed since I started this blog 3 years ago. All those posts about wanting a baby so bad and then being happy childless look so different now. I'm glad I can look back on it and see how God does answer prayers. Now I have a 1.5 year old and all those blog posts I wrote with tears running down my face seem so far away. But I can see how important infertility has been, I've learned a lot of lessons that apply to so many other situations in life. My faith used to be such a huge part of who I was. Somehow since J came to live with us and I became a mommy, I've begun to rely less on God and more on myself. Its hard to listen in church while dealing with a child and the days get so busy I don't have much time to sit and reflect on spiritual things the way I used to. And relying on myself has not been working out that great, life is way harder that way. I need to work on this.<br />
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Christmas is a few days away and I'm lacking the usual Christmas spirit. Which is crazy because I have a toddler who gets excited about nearly everything and isn't the joy of watching your children enjoy Christmas suppose to be better than any other time of year? Yet our house has no signs of the holiday season, no tree, no lights, no Christmas cookies, no nothing. This morning as I sat in church trying to listen to the sermon about the real reason for Christmas, I was reflecting on why I don't get into the spirit of the season more. I used to love Christmas, I used to get excited to buy everyone gifts and celebrate with our family, I even used to decorate the house! So what happened? I can't blame our infertility for everything but the fact is that it changed me so much as a person and made me grow up and become a realist in so many ways that I have to go back to that. I just don't look at life the same way anymore. I don't believe in the magic of Christmas because its just another day, a day when we are suppose to remember the magic that happened 2000 years ago not buy each other more crap we don't really need and that won't really make us happy. But so many people over look that and in some ways I think I boycott Christmas because of it. As for gift giving, my dear friend says it best in one of her blog posts, <a href="http://annfull.blogspot.com/2013/12/the-best-gifts-are-ones-you-never-even.html" target="_blank">The Best Gifts Are The Ones You Never Even Knew You Wanted</a>.<br />
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Here's another reason for my lack of Christmas spirit. Several years ago DH and I had a huge fight with my family over Christmas Eve. We wanted to go to church even though it would make us late for dinner with my family. They told us we couldn't go to church. We went anyway. Tons of drama, awful things were said, it took days for things to cool down and no apologies were ever made. Every year since then we go to church on Christmas Eve and everyone accepts it but there is tension like DH and I commit some sort of unspeakable crime each year. Its become better now that my niece and nephew are in the Christmas Eve program so we all go to see them but Christmas is never the same. My own family, who raised me to put Jesus first in my life, threatened to disown me if I ruined their Christmas by going to church first. Its crazy! I put up a fight, DH stood by my side but my Christmas spirit died that year. I resent all the misguided souls who believe the spirit of the season means holiday shopping, gifts, treats, decorations, family dinners and being nice to each other for a couple weeks in December each year and just maybe attending church for possibly the first time all year. The spirit of season is Jesus you fools and you should all be in church remembering that! Then I feel like a bad person. There is nothing wrong with any of those things and there is nothing wrong with celebrating Christmas in whatever way your family chooses to celebrate it. Perhaps as J gets older we will celebrate more, I don't know. But I do know my kid will be the one in school telling all the others that Santa isn't real. <br />
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Don't interpret this as negativity towards Christmas. I do love Christmas, after all where would we be without it? And the world definitely needs a season each year where people think of others first and are joyful. But even Christmas fails in comparison to the Easter season. Its amazing and miraculous how God chose to have His Son come into this world but even that sweet little baby in the manger fails in comparison to the man that hung on the cross for my sins. And believe me, I got some sins. So I apologize to those who feel I drag them down at Christmas with my lack of festive spirit but I'm a realist and I'm just looking at the big picture. The miracle may have started when Jesus was born and came into this world to save my soul but the miracle wasn't complete until He hung on the cross, conquered hell and left this world. And that's something we should celebrate 365 days a year with the Holy Spirit, a joyful and giving heart, kindness towards others, forgiveness and appreciation for family. <br />
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P.S. J is the most awesome kid ever, here's an update in pictures :) <br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-11693680139700720342013-05-08T18:16:00.003-05:002013-05-08T18:17:26.967-05:00Birthmother's Day / Mother's DayI've heard that the Saturday before Mother's Day is considered Birthmother's Day. We haven't talked to our bmom much since our last visit. She practically never even texts me anymore. I'm not sure if I had offended her in some way or if she is just moving on. But I wanted to recognize this day for her so I got her some chocolate truffles, a picture frame, a card that says "May you feel special today....because you are! Happy Mother's Day" and J painted her some crafts (ok I may have done 99% of it myself). Then we made a card for the Grandmas. Check it out! I got these ideas from the internet and modified the poem a little to make it appropriate for bmom. <br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-91966855523186142472013-04-30T14:48:00.004-05:002013-04-30T17:36:29.434-05:00Why do I still cry about this?So my friends that are having a baby and made me cry so hard on Valentine's Day had their gender ultrasound and told me about it via text again. He was going on and on about how cool it was to see the baby and finally I said "yeah I bet that is exciting. I wouldn't know since the only ultrasound I ever got to see was of my dead baby." Can a texting conversation be awkward? Well it was, I don't know why I said that and then starting crying again. Geez, I need to grow up sometimes! Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-49284600035053498972013-04-29T11:06:00.001-05:002013-04-29T11:11:54.981-05:00A Better Me, A Better MommyIn a recent post I wrote about becoming a new version of the old me. And if your a long term follower you'll know that I'm always trying to lose weight and get fit and I always lose motivation faster that I do weight. When J started eating table food I realized that I had to get committed and be serious about it for real this time, as a lifestyle change not a short term weight loss goal. I'm not sure how much I believe that obesity is genetic vs poor lifestyle choices but J's bmom is bigger and so is her sister. There is nothing wrong with a healthy chubby baby but a chubby 6 year old is not healthy. So whether or not he's inherited big genetics from his birthfamily, we definitely don't need to be adding poor lifestyle choices to it. We need to be the example. The best way to make him eat his vegetables and play active games outside is to show him that's what mommy and daddy do. Although J does still watch more tv with daddy than I would like, we're working on that. <br />
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I've always been the kinda girl that thinks I have to go to the gym to get a good workout. I've tried doing stuff at home but other than a run with the dogs I've always lost motivation. When we brought J home that was the end of my gym membership. Even if I had the time to go to the gym, no way did I have the energy. I had the Insanity DVDs from a friend and never used them. So in January my New Year's resolution was do to the first 30 days of the program. All 6 days of the week for 4 weeks, doesn't sound so bad right? Well it was brutal but I did it! Then I decided to keep going and do the entire 60 day program and I'm proud to say I did it! Lost 14 lbs and gained muscles I didn't know I had. All the crunches and gym exercises in the world never gave me core muscles like I have now, even when I was at my lowest weight ever I didn't have these muscles. Turns out I love doing home workouts! Did I mention how much easier it is to chase and carry around a 9 month old when your in shape?! Now I'm doing the Turbofire program which is way more fun than Insanity but I'm not losing weight as fast and I have a long way to go yet. But I'm not discouraged, its a lifestyle change and not all about being skinnier. I'm so much happier and have so much more energy and patience for J when I get a good sweat every day. <br />
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I've also been drinking Shakeology, which is a health shake made by the creators of the Insanity and Turbofire workouts. I didn't love the taste at first but its definitely grown on me and now I love it! It has all the vitamins and nutrients I need and covers all my servings of fruits and veggies so everything else I eat is just a bonus. I'm a huge fan of Beachbody products. I generally think anything on an infomercial is a scam but Beachbody lays everything out there for you and if you follow their program and nutrition guide, you'll get the results they promise. And there is a money back guarantee on all their products, even if you use them. <br />
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I signed up to be a coach so I can help others and get the awesome discounts. So if anyone is interested check out my website, <a href="http://www.beachbodycoach.com/jenlindsey">www.beachbodycoach.com/jenlindsey</a> or the Shakeology site <a href="http://www.myshakeology.com/jenlindsey">www.myshakeology.com/jenlindsey</a>. <br />
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I'm giving out free Shakeology samples, so if you want one, email me your address: <a href="mailto:behealthybehappy@outlook.com">behealthybehappy@outlook.com</a><br />
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<br />Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-36620205189773029742013-04-17T15:12:00.000-05:002013-04-17T15:12:07.147-05:00Shaking Off That Mommy FeelingToday is our 9 year wedding anniversary. I can't believe all that has changed from the person I was 9 years ago. And if you had told me I'd be married for 9 years before becoming a mom I probably would have cried. I'm so glad God doesn't show us our future, really its better left a mystery. We celebrated our anniversary last weekend by renting a hotel room about an hour from home and leaving J with his aunt for his first ever sleep over. He was an angel, apparently didn't miss me at all! He even slept all night for them. I had a hard time leaving but once we got away I forgot about it and had a nice night. When we were driving to the hotel, it just didn't feel right to leave the dogs and our baby with someone else and go away alone. I felt guilty, I felt like it wasn't worth it and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something. When we got to the hotel I sat next to DH and said "now what? its weird just the two of us". But we found stuff to do ;) We went to dinner at a new place, relaxed in the hotel hot tub, and had a few drinks and dancing at the nightclub next to our hotel. We enjoyed our night away and it was good for J too. I want him to be the kind of kid that is happy to stay at grandma's house or auntie's house and not cry for mommy all night. Everyone always comments how good he is and DH said to my mom that maybe Jen is doing something right and my mom says no you guys just got blessed with a really good baby. Really, my own mother can't even give me any credit? Funny how when kids behave badly parents get all the blame but when you have a good kid, your just lucky!Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-68634679037518878782013-04-07T15:08:00.000-05:002013-04-07T15:08:05.176-05:00Let's Try This AgainI have so much good intention of keeping this blog updated, even if no one reads it, its good for me to write down my feelings. I should have blogged more last fall about my struggle to become mommy. Even if the mothering part comes natural I think it takes everyone time to change into that role in their own minds. It wasn't easy to make the overnight change from the infertile wife with babies in heaven to the infertile wife with a real live baby to be mommy to. With the stress and exhaustion of having a newborn to care for with a husband always at work, I got sort of lost. I didn't feel like mom yet but I was responsible for a child and no longer felt young and carefree either. Trying to find myself and adjust to my new future wasn't easy. I did some dumb things, I put added strain on our marriage and I looked for answers in the wrong place. Spending my time in church caring for J and not listening didn't help either at time when I needed to be closer to God and rely on my faith. But now that I feel like I'm back to being a new version of the old me, I can see that God has used that to help me and my relationship with DH grow in a way I didn't expect, just like He always does with challenges in my life. J is almost 9 months old and we are all in such a good place. He is so much fun at this age, I'm well adjusted to being his mommy and love him more than I thought I could. <br />
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So here's what else has been going on the last few months...... We've been to two speaking events about adoption. The first was a training at our agency and we spoke to other adoptive couples just beginning their journey. It was almost one year to the day that I was sitting in that same training just starting our journey. I never would have imagined that a year later I would be standing up front with my six month old sharing our story. The second event was at a crisis pregnancy center adoption night. They had a rep from another agency, a lawyer, an adult adoptee and us. We spoke about our open adoption experience and what our relationship with the birthparents is like. I was nervous about this one, even though we weren't there to convince anyone to choose adoption. Of course no one heard what I said because J was giggling and smiling at everyone, he totally stole the show! Given my bitterness towards pregnant women (more on that in a second), I was surprised that I just felt an overwhelming love for these young women. They have chosen to give their babies life despite difficult circumstances, even if they choose to parent instead of adoption. I can't explain why I felt the way I did around them but it had to be a God thing. I don't really feel like I made a difference in anything I said but I know God put us there for a reason that night and I may never know whether I had any impact on anyone. Or the reason we were there could have been for us to meet the lawyer. We talked to her for a while after and she convinced me to go the private route when we adopt our next child. I'm glad we went with the agency the first time but if we can save $10k next time, we're willing to try going through the lawyer. She said that we can say how much we are willing to spend and they will not present us to situations that would cost more. And even though they are part of a nationwide network we can choose to only adopt locally if we want. I thought if we went privately that we'd have to find our own birthmom but they take profile books to show to the birthmoms that get referred to them through doctors and places like this crisis pregnancy center. <br />
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I can honestly say that I have no desire to get pregnant or ever carry my own child. I'm convinced that adoption is the best way to go. I really thought I was over my bitterness towards pregnant women, especially now that I have my own baby, after all that was the goal right? But I will always carry the hurt of our infertility struggles, the loss of our baby by miscarriage and I'll always be a little bitter towards women who can conceive just because I'm jealous they can do something I can't. Even though its not something I want to do anymore. I know, real mature right? It was around Valentine's Day several years ago when we found out that we were pregnant after IVF. So every Valentine's Day I think about that and I think about our baby and the long and difficult time I had with the following miscarriage. I also think about our baby every October because that's when my due date would have been. Its just something that people who have lost babies remember, it might not always be a memory that I cry over but its something I always think about. Well this Valentine's Day the last of my friends without kids announced that they were expecting. Which I could have handled even though it was a total surprise since they had just lied to me and said they were still trying and not having any luck. But she announced it by texting an ultrasound picture the night before Valentine's Day. I was already thinking about our own loss and then I got an ultrasound picture of someone else's healthy baby reminding me of the day we went for our first ultrasound and were told that our baby had stopped developing and that we weren't going to have a baby after all. Every woman's worst nightmare, even worse after all we had gone through to get that far. So I cried... a lot. Thank God it was a text and I could easily respond a nice congrats while tears were streaming down my face. I may be healed enough to accept others pregnancy announcements but ultrasound pictures are still a painful knife to the heart. The timing on this announcement could not have been worse. When DH got home he asked why I was crying since I don't want to be pregnant anyway. I don't know, I thought I was past that too, I mean we have our child, what's my problem?! I think maybe I'm just jealous that they get to experience a joy and anticipation I will never get. With J we were never sure enough that we'd get to keep him to be that excited and announce it to everyone. Even after we brought him home there was always the chance that he'd get taken away. Now I'm still having a hard time being friendly to this friend. And my SIL is trying for their third child. I'm not past my infertility, probably never will be. <br />
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There are some things in this life that we can't fix and just have to live with. There are mistakes, feelings, pain and sins that we can't undo or make go away. We have to find a way to live with them and carry on. I wish we could all live perfect happy lives but then how shallow would we be? The most meaningful people in my life that I couldn't do without are the ones that are broken and walked through some pretty dark places. Those people have such a deeper understanding of life, who they are and their faith. I can't imagine how people who don't have the comfort of knowing Jesus live with themselves. He paid for my mistakes and my sins with His life so that I can be forgiven. The scars of past hurts will always be there but without the Healer I would never be able to get out of bed each morning and start a new day. There are so many things to be thankful for and He has blessed me with such amazing friends and family. <br />
<br /><em>Thank you Lord for the dark places, for breaking me and putting me back together, for showing me the depth of my sinfulness and for making me realize how badly I need Your Son and just how important it was that He hung on the cross for my sins.</em> Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-82099543791006254362012-12-17T14:54:00.000-06:002012-12-17T14:54:13.862-06:00Its Official! James Aaron is officially ours, we had our court hearing this morning for the finalization. Now I can post pics of him online, no more agency rules to follow! Here are a few from the past 5 months, I can't believe how fast that time has gone by! <br />
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Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-12965490166776437222012-12-11T21:58:00.000-06:002012-12-11T21:58:06.306-06:00Coming Soon....Where as the time gone, have I really not updated this blog since J was 7 weeks old?! Finalization is Monday so J will officially be introduced to the blogging world soon. He's already been on facebook although it is technically against our agency rules. I know some people make a big deal about the court date that finalizes it all but while I'm excited to have it all done with and official, it kinda feels like just another step in the process. I have never been worried that J wouldn't be ours forever. Some of our family is excited and feel like they can finally relax but they don't know J and A like we do. We had another visit around Thanksgiving. Hopefully I can get back to posting regularly but don't hold me to it, I said "hopefully" :) Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-68152390365333304532012-09-09T14:45:00.001-05:002012-09-09T14:45:21.292-05:007 WeeksJ is 7 weeks old now and I'm finally getting used to being his mommy. We have definitely been bonding the last couple weeks. We have left him with relatives for a few hours here and there from the start but this weekend was the first time I actually was sad to leave him and missed him while DH and I were out. I'm being much more patient during his crabby times and he's having less of them as I get better at anticipating his needs. I don't have a lot of time to reflect on things like I did before him but I have occasional moments when I can't believe after all our years of infertility that this is the amazing little boy God wanted me to have. I think its a lot like marrying DH. On our wedding day someone said to me that I was the calmest bride they had ever seen. That's because I knew without a doubt that DH was the man God wanted me to marry. Even in the rough times after we were first married, I may have been mad at DH and wished I wasn't married to him but I never doubted that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, which left me no options other than working it out and changing my own attitude and bad habits. I know without a doubt that J is the child God meant for us to have, even when I'm frustrated and in tears myself while J is screaming his sweet little head off. Its not easy but I know I'm right where God wants me to be.<br />
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I haven't really written much about J yet but he really is a good baby. We have done a bedtime routine from the beginning and he is very consistent now. Around 7pm we put his pjs on, go to his nursery, turn the music on and have a bottle. At first I was insistent that he sleep in his crib and we were using the rock n play for naps during the day. Our bedtime routine was taking hours and by the time he'd finally be out for the night we were both exhausted. So I gave in and let him sleep in the rock n play but now its only for night and he doesn't take naps in it during the day. I realize that I cause a lot of my own problems by my own self imposed rules but I feel like it will pay off later. We only use his room upstairs at night and I think it has helped him to associate it with bedtime because he has never seemed to have his days and nights mixed up. Now he takes naps downstairs in the pack n play, on the floor, in the swing, on the couch or in the bouncy. His daytime naps are a lot shorter than they were when he was napping in the rock n play but at least now our bedtime routine is only 1/2 hour instead of 5 hours. I know a lot of people keep their kids up late but early bedtime is my sanity saver. Once J is out for the night he doesn't wake up until midnight so I can get some work done, go to bed early or even watch a movie with DH. I usually go to bed early and DH does the midnight feeding. Occasionally he will sleep from 7pm-2am. He's pretty consistent though and usually wakes at 12am, 3am, 5am and is up for the day with DH at 7am. Even though I'm still getting up with him a lot he always eats and goes right back to sleep and I'm snuggled back in my bed within 1/2 hour. <br />
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We've had a lot of trouble finding a formula that agrees with him. He has so much gas and has from the start. When he came home from the hospital he was on Similac Sensitive but that made him constipated. Our pedi said to give him corn syrup twice a day. That helped him to go but I did not want to have my 2 week old baby hopped up on sugar. I asked if I should switch formula and they said no just keep up with the corn syrup for a week and then call them back if he wasn't better. But I tried switching to enfamil newborn anyway. This made him more regular but he was still having really bad gas pains all the time. I never did call our pedi back. Instead I took him to see our chiropractor. We met her because she actually works on animals also and we take our older dog to see her. She showed me how to do a tummy massage that literally deflates him instantly. She also suggested holding him to my chest and bouncing on an exercise ball. I'd never heard of this but it has been our lifesaver! If he is gassy we bounce for a few minutes, then I burp him and repeat. If he doesn't burp and is just fussy, I cradle him while bouncing and he is always out within 15 minutes, never fails! And its a good core workout for me :) Our chiro also said that I should put him on Nutramigen by enfamil and he improved instantly. But its super expensive and after a few weeks as he ate more we decided we just can't afford to keep him on it. So we started mixing it with Enfamil Gentlease and that's been working well for us. He's on his last can of Nutramigen and then will just be on the Gentlease. I plan on eventually switching him Enfamil Infant as he gets older and his tummy can digest it better. <br />
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Another thing we love is our moby wrap. He likes the stroller and car rides too but loves the moby the most. We take the dogs for a walk everyday. Having him in the moby frees up both hands so I can walk both dogs. People probably laugh and say I have my hands full walking with a baby and two big dogs but we manage. For my sanity we need to get out of the house. We have walked up to 3 miles at a time. When its super hot outside we walk on the treadmill. A little exercise goes a long way for me, I go crazy and get depressed if I just sit around the house all day. <br />
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He is smiling a lot at random times and I think he's starting to smile at us. Its still hard to say if its in response to us or if its just cause we're right there while he's happy. But he's adorable when he's happy and when he's sleeping. Not so adorable when he's screaming but we love him anyway. It is getting easier as we all adjust to each other. Bmom still texts me a lot although its not every day anymore. Sometimes I don't respond to her. I feel bad but I just need to bond with J without bmom in my head all the time. We love her and she will always be part of our family but its hard to think of J as mine when she is always texting and asking for pictures or asking how "her" little boy is doing. I am looking forward to seeing them again but I don't feel like I'm ready yet. Its been about a month since we had our last visit. They are talking about coming here next visit. In some ways I don't mind having them here since they are good friends but at the same time it feels like they would be intruding on our family in a way that I'm not ready for. Like I said, I'm still trying to wrap my head around our new little family of 3 and with bmom and bdad always inserting themselves, it gets confusing. I'm happy we have an open adoption and wouldn't want it any other way but at this point I still just feel like I need some space from them. We will probably visit them early November and if they don't come here before that I would be okay with it. But I could never say that to them. I can see ways that she is moving on and healing so I think it will get easier for all of us as time goes by. <br />
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I can't wait to post pictures on here! We have to wait until finalization which will happen the end of October. I still have not had any professional pictures taken but I'm trying to set that up to happen soon. I want to do it before he gets too much bigger. I also love how everyone takes pictures of their little one each month with a onesie or sign that says how old they are. I've not found time to do that and now I feel like since I didn't do it from the beginning I don't want to start now. Oh well, we still have lots of cute pictures. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1983252829004103880.post-86800279197421236782012-08-13T09:02:00.000-05:002012-08-13T11:28:43.570-05:00RealityHow has it been over two weeks since my last post? I can't believe J is almost a month old already. Most new mom's will post about how much they love their child and how being a parent is so amazing and maybe that's true for them. Don't judge but I'm gonna be real here. Life is so different and its definitely been hard to adjust. I think that the this would have been much easier years ago. I think couples need some time together after they are married before having kids right away but 8 years is way too long. We are too set in our routine and our life together. Its been a really hard change for me to make. Although I'm surprised at how little sleep I can function on and what a huge difference an hour nap can make. But I struggle with patience. I feel like being a mom comes naturally as far as caring for J and his needs but to be totally honest, love and patience are not coming easy. I know this may sound bad but I haven't loved J as instantly and intensely as I expected to. Don't misunderstand - I do love him but there have been nights where he's been fussy and I've thought that maybe I'm just not good at this or maybe we should have just lived child free. And maybe if the bparents changed their minds and wanted him back I would be okay with it. Wow, I feel guilty just admitting that. I've read about bonding and adoption issues but I didn't realize it was so real. I keep thinking if I had given birth and had hormones running through me that bonding would be easier. I've always loved babies but J came into our house and totally disrupted my life in a way that I knew I should expect but didn't quite realize. This week has been better now that I'm accepting my new life and and getting to know J better. I don't really want to give him back, I really do love him and want to keep him in our family. Its just taking more time that I thought. I guess cause I read all these blogs about women who have children after infertility or adopt and they all say its the greatest thing ever and so worth everything. I feel so guilty for not being immensely happy or overjoyed with my new motherhood. Let me be the first to say that its not all that great at first for everyone. Sometimes it takes time to bond with a new little one and going from working 8 hours a day and then having free time in the evening and weekends to just working full time around the clock according to someone else's needs.....its just not that easy. But this is still what I want, I just need to get over my selfishness. <br />
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I keep thinking that maybe another part of the reason I haven't been able to bond with J as much as I thought I would is because bmom is still very present in our life. In the past month, only one day has passed when she did not text me several times a day. I love bmom but its like she is constantly reminding me that she is J's mom, not me. I know its not her intention but it makes me feel like I'm still just babysitting someone else's child. We had originally planned our first visit to be 3 weeks after J's birth when DH and I would be in their city for a wedding. But bmom was having a hard time and so I offered to meet sooner if she thought it would help. So when J was 10 days old we met them half way and spent the day together. Everyone wonders what our meetings are like and I say its just like hanging out with friends. No one understands how that can be in a situation like this but its true. Even if J wasn't there we could still hang out and have fun together. We couldn't have asked for better bparents. The difference right now is that she needs lots of contact to heal and move on and I need space to bond and form our new family. After our first visit she started texting me less. Still every day but often only one or two texts instead of several or all day long. Even though she said she cried all the way home and it was still really hard, I think it helped. I've read other bmoms write that after the first visit the child they start to see the child more as the adoptive couple's child and less like their own. We saw them again this past weekend when we went to the wedding. Again it was just like hanging out with friends, we're so comfortable together. However, as J is growing and his needs are changing I can see how bmom doesn't really know how to meet his needs. In the hospital he was so easy because all he did was eat, then sleep. Now he's awake more, he is having lots of gas problems which make him fussy and he often fights falling asleep when he's tired. Normal baby stuff but to someone who doesn't know what that he likes his little bottom patted, likes to be held a certain way or bounced in a certain way, it can be frustrating. And as his mommy I do know what he likes but I'm not sure if I should sound bossy by telling her how to hold him and what to do or if I should just let her do her own thing with him. But I found it very frustrating because she would always say he needs to eat and then feed him an ounce and let him fall asleep. I don't want a snacker baby who needs to eat every hour and she wasted a lot of formula - very frustrating because J is on Nutramigen, one of the most expensive out there. But I was so afraid of offending her and sounding bossy that I didn't say anything. It was only for one night. After we got home yesterday she texted me how good it was to see us and that they are so thankful that they can be part of our family. I was surprised she said "our" family, it made it seem like she is starting to see J as ours. Which helps me to see things that way too. <br />
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I know this post sounds negative. I do love J and things are getting better. But adoption is complicated. I guess I always thought that once we brought our son home that parenthood would be everything I imagined and its very different. But even on the hard days I know this is the plan God has for us, I have never doubted that. So I just have to trust Him and know that this is what is best for me. Jenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07949261567220039948noreply@blogger.com6