You or Him?

I just need to say how I hate that question. Here's how the conversation usually goes.....
How long have you been married now? --- 7 years
Really? 7 years and you don't have any kids? ---nope
Why? You don't want kids? ----well, we can't actually have kids
You or him? ---at this point I attempt to change the subject

I can handle the first two questions, the third is getting borderline and the forth I just consider crossing the line. How is it any else's business whether DH or me is the cause of the problem, WE are infertile, WE can't have kids. In case they missed that part in health class it takes a WE to make a baby. I'm just so annoyed that people feel its any of their business whether my uterus is broken or my husbands sperm count sucks. Maybe next time I get asked that, I should say "well the problem is my husband's sperm count sucks, how's yours? Is your uterus functioning properly? Have you been checked out by a dildo cam lately or jacked off in a little cup?" Seriously people, if you would be uncomfortable answering those questions why is it okay to ask me those questions.

The only exception would be a fellow infertile who has had a date with the dildo cam or spilled the goods in a cup recently. If a fellow infertile wants to swap war stories and talk about the battle wounds then by all means feel free to ask "you or him".......if not then mind your own business!

email updates

Testing 1 2 3.....testing? I am at work attempting to blog from my smartphone using the email it to blogger method. I guess if your reading this it worked. See I have lots of free time at work now but the computer is for official use only. If not for my smartphone I'd be completely bored.

Last night DH said how hopeful he is that we will get pg naturally this cycle. I'm not sure why b/c I'm not thinking of that as even a possibility, I'm sure we will need treatments. We have never got pg on our own in 4 years. I don't really think that having drunken sex three times in 12 hours while I'm fertile is really the solution to our problem. Although DH's numbers are usually around 14mil/ml this time of year, I just don't think its enough to make it happen naturally.

AF is due sometime this weekend and I'm very anxious for her arrival so I can plan the next cycle. I need to plan ahead what days I need off and I have no idea when that will be since I don't know when CD 1 will be. Today I am either 7 or 9 dpo. I would guess 9 but usually I start getting crampy, cranky and sleepy around 5dpo and so far I'm totally good. I've been tired but I also have a bad cold making it hard to sleep. I've not been crampy at all yet though, which is really weird and I'm worried I didn't ovulate when I'm hoping I did. I'm just so anxious to get the next cycle started and figure out which days I need off.

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Sent from my Verizon Wireless mobile phone

Merry Christmas!

This week I starting working my full time job as boss of my very own post office. I was really nervous about the responsibililty and accountability of it but so far its easier than I thought it would be. I feel confident that I can handle this and I'm actually enjoying it. Its nice being within walking distance of home and coming home for lunch. I just hope this "desk job" doesn't make me any fatter. Tis the season for committing to a work out plan that fails before it even starts so in the spirit of that, DH and I are planning on working out together more. I definetly have been slacking off lately.

Last weekend we went to our friends' wedding and had an awesome time! And we tried the drunken sex TTC plan - 3 times! Even if it doesn't work out, it was by far the best TTC method we've tried so far! DH and I are pretty lame and rarely get drunk. I can't believe people do that for fun all the time, I felt like crap all day Sunday. We had fun though, there was a great group of guys there to hang with. Strangely enough there were very few ladies there. I have more fun with the guys anyway. But it does make me think about how my life lacks girl time. Besides DH, my best friend is a guy and when DH and I go out we always hang out with the guys, when I work at the bigger office I work with all men. Maybe that's why my life is so drama free.

I'm excited to start our IUI cycle. I can't believe what a difference the RE's attitude has made on my own attitude. It looks like I should be able to get all the days off I need for appointments and hopefully I won't need any future treatments.

The Lord has blessed us so much this year! I can't be thankful enough for all He has done in our lives and in our hearts. Even if treatments don't go my way, it won't undo the work He has done to make me a better person. I'm in a completely different world than I was last time we did treatments, a much better place.

Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and a Happy & Fertile New Year!

My RE

I haven't seen him in two years. I think the time apart has been good for us. He totally did not act like his usual self today and I can't figure out what has gotten into him. All I can say is that God was helping me out today and it makes me feel a little better about going forward with things. Its nearly impossible to be 100% sure of God's plan and not everything is a sign but I feel like we're doing the right thing. My RE was completely agreeable and did not give me a negative attitude about doing IUIs at all. He seemed very supportive and didn't even try to sell me on IVF, although I did start out by telling him we would be willing to do it again. The more DH is thinking about it the more he is in favor of us doing another IVF. Although I have to say that last night's episode of Guiliana and Bill is giving me second thoughts about going through it all again. But I think we will sometime next summer, maybe in June. I was so dreading going back to the RE's office but being there actually made me feel excited and hopeful. DH said that after waiting for me in the waiting room and seeing all the other patients, he's ready to be back in the treatment game too. He said he saw one couple walk in the building with two pink carseats and one blue and thought, they must be IVF patients of our RE. He said there was a mother and son sitting next to him and the son came out and explained to the mother how the wife had an ultrasound but there was no baby there, blighted ovum. DH said he saw both outcomes sitting in the waiting room today and while it made him fearful that things it will turn out bad for us, it also made him hopeful that we will be successful.

Surprisingly the RE is not making me do a bunch more tests. He suggested an HSG since I've never had one but didn't think it was necessary because he doesn't think I have any issues. I don't really think I do either but I want to be sure. He wanted to do the clomid challenge test again but he said we can do that on an IUI cycle. So next cycle I'll have bloodwork and ultrasound on day 3, bloodwork and HSG on day 10, ultrasound, bloodwork and probably trigger on day 12 and IUI on day 14. I hope I can get all those days off work. I'm getting installed in my office next Tuesday and then I will be full time. The problem is since its a small office there is no one else to cover for me for a couple hours. I have to get someone from another office to come from 20-30 miles away to cover for me and that's not easy to do. I hate to explain what I need of for but I may need to explain it in order to get that many days off. We shall see but I'm very excited to be doing something again!

You Can Have Me

I've been thinking, my blog has been lacking joy and praise lately. Strangely when I feel the most over powering joy is when I'm driving to or from work and a song like this comes on the radio. It puts everything into perspective and makes me feel so close to my Father. Doesn't a song like this just make you feel good? The idea of "Father of love you can have me" just makes me feel so peaceful knowing there is no one better to be in control of me and my life. I just don't know how to put it into words but I'm sure many of you probably understand.

I've been a little stressed lately about deciding what to do with fertility treatments and work. I'm kind of funny about work because I've never wanted to work outside the home. I did it because we needed the money. When we didn't need the money I did it because we didn't have kids yet and I needed something to keep me busy. When I presented with the new opportunity with the post office last summer, I didn't think twice about it. DH and I had discussed long ago that if that opportunity presented itself I would have to take it. So I did, without hesitation. If I had hesitated I would have probably turned it down like I did so many other jobs. I simply trusted that God gave me the opportunity and that He would make the most of it for me. It turns out it has been a really really good thing for me. Now He has presented me with a new job opportunity that DH and I always said I would have to take. So again without thinking I accepted it. Although I still have a lot of reservations about it. I'm trusting God to make good things come of it, like I know He will. Its becoming easier to blindly go where He leads me in so many areas of my life. Yet when it comes to fertility treatments I'm still utterly confused. He has provided us the funds and opportunity to do treatments. But I have reservations and I doubt that just because He provided the funds it does not mean its a green light. Sometimes I'm not even sure I could handle the responsiblity of children.

What's New

One week from today is our friends' wedding and perfect timing as it will be CD 13. Here's to hoping a night of partying, alcohol and unprotected sex has the same consquences for us as it does normal people! Oh, how unrealistic it sounds to hope for such a thing!

This week I got a new job opportunity to be full time at the post office. Not sure if it means a raise but the added hours will mean bigger paychecks. I have mixed feelings about since I've never been a full time 40 hours a week kind of person. My dreams have always been to be a stay at home mommy, I'm in my career by accident. Well, not by accident, by God's leading.

My appointment with the RE is Tuesday. We'll see what he has to say. DH has finally agreed to consider another IVF in the next year but only after 2 more IUIs. I'm hoping that will be enough to convince the RE to let us do IUI. With my new job opportunity we will hopefully be able to save for IVF so we don't have to get a loan this time.