Omaha Doctors

I heard from both the clinics in Omaha. One said we definitely need IVF so we won't be going there. The other had a very nice friendly nurse call to talk to me and she said our count and motility are great for IUI but because of our 0% morph we probably need IVF. But if we could get the morph to 4-5% we could have an excellent chance with IUI. But as much as I liked this nurse their prices are a couple hundred bucks higher than our clinic here. So while I would love to find a new doctor it looks like we may be sticking with the one we have. In about a month DH will have another SA done at the urologist this time and then when we get the results, WE will make a decision about whether or not to do IUI. If WE decide we want to do it, I'll call the clinic and say I want to do an IUI and they most likely won't even look at DH's last SA or our records, the nurses will just say sure come on in on day 3. Dr. H won't even know we're doing IUI until the day of. Besides I'm sure he'd rather have our money on a wasted IUI than not have any of our money since I'm definitely not giving him another 10 grand for IVF. And I really truly believe this is one of those doctors that care about money and success rates.

Thank You God for my Infertility

Wow, who would have thought I'd ever say that? I really do mean it though. Tonight we went to a Tenth Avenue North & Casting Crowns concert. I've seen Casting Crowns before and I've also seen Michael W Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Jeremy Camp, Natalie Grant and few other lesser knowns. I have to say that God doesn't use the others to touch my heart the way he uses Mark Hall of Casting Crowns. He makes me cry every time. Of course I am an emotional person. In the bible people reacted many differnt ways when they met Jesus. Without a doubt I can tell you that if your ever looking for me in heaven, I'll be among those at His feet weeping. I just know it, I'm a crier. Two years ago Casting Crowns was at Lifelight Music Festival(www.lifelight.org). We were about a year into our IF and I was really struggling with it. I don't remember what they said but something about praying to surrender things and I did and tears just began rolling down my face. God changed my heart and my outlook that day. That was the day I began to taste freedom from the IF weighing me down. It still had a grip on me though and I think last summer when I read Beth Moore's Breaking Free that I truly did surrender it all and break free from it. That said I do still have my days of course but they get further and far between as time passes. So tonight they were playing "At Your Feet" from their latest album, one of my favorites and mid song they asked everyone to pray with them. And he prayed asking God to help us lay everything at His feet and he started naming all these different things, pain, anger, bitterness, jealousy etc. All I could think was AMEN, cause I'm guilty on all charges. Then there was a long time where they just played softly and everyone prayed to themselves. Here come the tears. I'm always amazed at the power and overwhelming peace of praying in a place surrounded by so many others praying to the same Father at the same time. I must have cried for a good ten minutes before I got myself together. But how can you not cry when God touches your heart?

Here's another moment that touched me....Mark Hall was speaking about how God uses the weak to humble the strong and so forth. He uses the bad to demonstrate the good. He uses tragedy to demonstrate His compassion AND He uses my IF for His Glory. Mark Hall was saying how we are all a trainwreck and we all screw up and have our crosses to bear. He used Paul as an example and how he referred to the thorns in his side, asking that they be removed so he could focus more on his devotion to God. But its those thorns that keep us devoted to God, they keep our heads on straight and keep us on the narrow path. I got to thinking, where would I be without my IF? I've always had a sheltered perfect little life, sure I thought I knew pain and suffering as a teenager but now I see I didn't. Perhaps in ten years I'll look back and think my IF was not pain and suffering, that it was not the thorn in my side it seems to be now. I realized that you can't really know what salvation means until you know what pain and suffering is. So thank you God for my infertility because before this I didn't have the understanding, love and reliance on You that I do now. Without this thorn in my side, if I could just have as many babies as I want, I'd probably be lost in worldly things. I wouldn't have my head on straight and focused on Christ. I can't believe I spent 25 years going to church and sunday school but still missed that all surpassing peace and joy in Christ. Then I thought, okay I'm sick of this thorn, may I have my baby now and take a different thorn? Oops, I take that back Lord, on second thought this thorn isn't so bad, I'm used to it, I've learned how to handle it and I don't like change. I don't want to start over with a different thorn in my flesh, I think I'll just gratefully accept this one. There are far worse things to suffer than not being able to have a baby. But even before that thought, I've been feeling lately that a change is coming. I'm not sure what, I just feel like the Lord is preparing me for some sort of change in my life. It could be good, it could be difficult but not to worry because it will all work out.

One last thing...You know how at Christian music concerts or worship services people put their hands in the air as a way of praise. When Tenth Avenue North was on they were asking everyone to do that and they said they know some people are not comfortable doing that, that some people think its only for the super spiritual, those strong in the faith that get excited about God. I'm thinking yep I'm the quiet shy one that's uncomfortable with that. And the lead singer (I forgot his name) said its not for the strong, raising our hands in the air is for the weak, like a little child asking to picked up and held by their father. Awww, my eyes starting misting up. When I worked at the daycare I was all too familiar with kids putting their arms up to be held. There is something so wonderful about putting your arms up, not in praise but in asking our Father to pick us up and hold us in His arms. Don't we all need our big strong Father in heaven to pick us up and hold us sometimes? Doesn't that just warm your heart knowing all we have to do is raise our arms and say "hold me"?

Easter

We had Easter breakfast at our house after 7am church. My parents, 2 grandmas and brother came. My SIL was away with her family. It was nice to have everyone here since we rarely have any get togethers at our house. Our bathroom and kitchen remodeling projects are done, thank goodness! Everyone left by noon and DH and I got to spend some quality time together. All in all it was a nice way to celebrate.

Am I Still Waiting?

I've been thinking seriously on my blog title lately. I'm not so sure I'm "waiting" for anything anymore. Sure I have my days but its not like my life is ceasing to continue until I get the desire of my heart. And some days I'm not so sure that a baby is the desire of my heart, nor should it be. Isn't Jesus suppose to be the desire of our hearts? On a message board recently someone posted about "IF points". The purpose of this little game is to remind yourself that there are positive aspects of living a child free life. Everytime something comes up that would be more difficult if you had children, infertility gets a point. So yesterday when I saw my very pregnant SIL lugging around a huge diaper bag and a kid, I thought "I'm glad I don't have all that weighing me down" so there's a point for IF. I think DH and I could live happily ever after just the two of us. We have freedom to do what we want when we want, go where we want whenever, spend our money on whatever we want. It might not be so bad living childless. So I'm not "waiting" for God to give me the child I ask for, He's giving me so much else instead and I need to focus on that. BUT that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up in a second to have a baby. I'm just trying to make the most of what I do have right now. Life is still pretty good and I am thankful for that.

If anyone is interested in reading my farm/homemaking blog, send me an email and I'll give you a link. I prefer to keep it separate from this one for personal reasons.

Easter Celebration

Today we celebrated Easter with my family. My SIL didn't show up until we were almost ready to leave but I instantly felt bitter as soon as she walked in with her big old pregnant belly. This morning in church someone I went to school with sat behind us with her two kids and big old pregnant belly. DH's cousin who is much younger than us had a baby girl on Friday. DH's brother who doesn't even have a serious girlfriend will be a daddy in a few months. Its one of the those days. Bitterness, anger, pain, frustration, why isn't it me? Will it ever be me? *Sigh* This kind of thinking gets me nowhere.

On a somewhat related note, our church is looking for "mentors" or people to get to know the new members in our chuch and be there to answer questions for them and encourage them to attend regularly and be active members. Our church is predominantly old, DH and I are probably that youngest members that attend regularly. This year DH was nominated to be an elder, which he happily accepted because he's always happy to serve. Several of the new members are our age so we felt like we should be their mentors. We're stable and somewhat mature in our faith, DH is in a leadership position, we're ideal candidates to be their mentors and friends. My problem is that most of these young couples have kids and I don't necessarily want to befriend people my age and younger with kids. Is that terrible of me or what? But we're going to do it, I'm going to get over myself and my pain and serve God and my church in the way I feel called to do. Reluctant obedience is better than not obeying Him, right? Who knows, with a little prayer maybe I could even serve with a joyful heart.

I'm bad at this

Wow, I'm not a very good blogger! Nearly another month has passed and I've hardly written. I've decided to make this blog my IF and personal feelings only. All of my farm related posts I'll be adding on to our website. The reason is because people in real life want to keep up with our farm stories but I don't want them reading the personal stuff. I can barely keep up with one blog, how will I manage two? Soon it will be summer and I won't be working at the preschool so hopefully I'll have more time.

I'm really trying to get back into working out and losing some more weight. I've been working on the couch to 5k running plan this week. I've done it several times before but then I get lazy. Since the weather is nice I've got the work out part down but I'm still having a tough time getting back to eating healthier. I have such a sweet tooth I just can't control it most days. And now with all the Easter candy....yikes!

One day about a week ago my brother and SIL had us over for dinner. We suspected there was a reason because there is ALWAYS a reason with them. Turns out they are writing a will and want to put in it that DH and I get the kids if God forbid, anything ever happened to both of them. BUT they aren't really comfortable with it because we hardly ever see them even though they are less than 5 miles away. I feel good that they would consider us their best option and guilty because they are right, we don't spend much time with them. I wouldn't want to leave my child to someone who is practically a stranger to him either. But its SO hard for us to be around their happy little family. When they found out about our IF they always said if there is anything they can do to let them know. I can't imagine what they could possibly do except stop making me watch their happy little family continue to grow. I sort of wonder if they think they are "helping" by making us play with my nephew more. You all know how people say "well if you ever need a kid fix, you can have mine for a while!". Like babysitting someone else's kids is suppose to heal all the pain and longing we infertiles suffer. Fertile people will NEVER understand how playing with their kids only makes us feel worse. We did agree to make more of an effort to spend time with our nephew and soon to be niece. It sucks but its the right thing for us to do. There are times to protect myself from pain (i.e. babyshowers) and times to get over myself, grow up and do what's best for someone else (in this case my nephew).

DH is now taking herbs also. His is "Jing Qi" made by Golden Flower Chinese Herbs. Our acupuncturist has apparently diagnosed him with Kidney Yin Deficiency. So I was doing some research on TCM and this particular diagnosis. I'm amazed at how many symptoms DH has! From what I've read he needs to drink more water, eat less spicy food, have more sex and keep "the goods" cool. He's been taking the herbs for about 3 weeks now and I asked if he's noticed any difference. He did say that he doesn't have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night as much. So maybe the herbs will help correct his yin deficiency and help his sperm quality. We know now that his numbers are not impossible to change, there is hope for normal numbers. But I don't want to get my hopes too high because a while ago DH was going for acu every two weeks and it didn't seem to help, although he was taking clomid at the time and that was disasterous for his numbers.

Our plan is to try these herbs for three months and get another SA done at the urology lab. I've said for a long time that our RE is an IVF salesman and I'm convinced his lab is super strict so that he can further his IVF sales. So we'll have an SA done at a different lab and see if there is a difference. Depending on the results we are considering doing another IUI at another clinic. This would require a 3 hour drive but if they will work with me we could hopefully drive down for the day 12 u/s and day 14 iui. We could make it a mini vacation and stay for a couple days. My body has always been right on schedule and predictible when on meds. We'll see how the SA turns out first though. DH has usually has much worse counts when the weather heats up. If the SA is bad we will just wait until next winter. January seems forever away but time goes by fast. And who knows, God could bless us with a miracle at any time!

I'm Still Here

Wow its been a long time since I've posted! I have been really busy with our remodeling project, our animals and my new job. The weather is starting to get nice so I've taken every opportunity to get out and walk the dog. No recent weight loss, my diet has been suffering also. Though I haven't gained so that's good. We found out today that my SIL is having a girl. It was the last thing I was holding on to, the dream that I would give our family the first little girl. I thought since I am the little girl that I had that right. I was preparing for this because I knew God wasn't through breaking me yet. It has always felt like a competition between me and my SIL. Looks like she won the final event. I'm disappointed but also feel relieved the game is over. Of course when the baby gets here my heart will break in a million pieces all over again. Thank goodness Dr. Jesus is on stand by. The only One that can truly put it back together better than before it was broke. He's so much more than a band aid! I was determined not to cry over this but as soon as DH called I fell apart. Looks like its time for me to do some work in the ol' spiritual garden. I better roll up my sleeves, get some dirt on this tear stained face and make room for my faith to grow, painful though it may be.