January - The Paperwork

I requested a pre-app.  Most of it was just information to read about their programs and all of the disclosures.  It all had to be notorized and signed - like 50 pages worth.  That seemed odd and overwhelming to me but I'm glad they put everything up front.  Then came the application.  I was so glad our agency did a little at a time so it wasn't too overwhelming.  Because I have lots of free time at work I was able to do our part quickly and they were very quick at sending me stuff and processing their part.  DH and I both had essay questions to answer.  The pre-app required a statement of faith and the regular app required an essay about what kind of people we are and why we want to adopt.  We had to have three reference letters and one from our Pastor.  All the paperwork really wasn't that bad.  It was pretty basic easy information and didn't take me that long to do.  Once I sent that back we had to do background checks, get fingerprinted and write some more checks.  Application done, next step homestudy!

At this point I still wasn't 100% on board with adoption.  But I thought we might as well just get our homestudy done and then I'll have time to really think about this once we're waiting since the wait can often be long.  And whatever you do don't ask your agency how long the wait will be.  You will always get the same answer that goes something like this..."well the wait time varies but on average its 1-2 years, some couples wait less and some wait more."  A better question to ask is how many children or infants (depending on what program your looking at) they place per month or per year and the average number of waiting families they have at any given time.  That will give you a better idea of how long you will wait.  And check out their profiles if they have them on a website.  Imagine who you would choose if you were looking for a family for your child and see where you fit in.  We were told that being young and child free along with willing to do an open adoption would be huge selling points for us as a waiting family.  Although it is 100% in God's hands and its all about His timing.  The youngest, cutest, most fun couples sometimes do wait a long time.

December 2011 - Choosing an Agency

We always knew we'd do domestic infant so that decision was easy.  When I started doing research into agencies our options were limited.  It had to be an agency licensed in our state and we live in a rural area so every agency requires at least a two hour drive.  There are the big two (LSS & BCS) and several others in the twin cities area.  We got some information packets and looked at the costs.  Everyone was about the same.  We looked at travel distance, again pretty equal.  We looked at an independent agency.  We went back and forth for a long time.  There was one we liked located 4 hours away but said they would combine meetings and trainings as much as possible for us to eliminate travel.  We finally decided to go with them.  So I called and said we made our decision and asked for an app.  I was so excited! She said we had to come for a intro group meeting and then have an private intake meeting which costs $250 before we could apply.  Umm, that wasn't in the info packet or previously mentioned....I'll get back to you lady.  I was frustrated, I thought we had made a decision.  So I went back to square one.  Did an internet search for agencies in the nearby state that might be licensed in ours also.  Found one - I wasn't impressed with their website but was feeling desperate so I called them anyway.  They work in MN, IA and SD.  The lady was super nice and said they had a social worker less than an hour away that was licensed to work in our state but we would still have to travel to the home office for the training, which was all crammed into one day long session.  Sad to say we chose our agency based on location and convience but thank the Lord He for whatever motivation it took because we absolutely LOVE our agency and have so far had an excellent experience with them.  It was definitely the right decision.

November 2011 - The Decision

Instead of a super long post about all that has happened the last few months I'm going to drag it out and get you all caught up a little at a time.  When I left off last October I intended to end this blog.  So many of you were bringing home your babies or had them on the way that I just couldn't deal with it anymore.  It was sucking me into this dark place where I felt sorry for myself and where I felt stuck because there was no baby in my future.  I thought DH and I were going to live happily ever after just the two of us, child free.  We even were looking at buying an acreage and put in an offer.  We were super excited about moving out of town and out of our current house.  But God had different plans.  In November, which is adoption month, He really started working on my heart.  As I was sorting the mail one day I noticed an article about adoption on the cover of a Christian magazine.  Okay so I know I'm not suppose to read anyone's mail but I couldn't help it, I turned to the page about adoption.  Boy I wish I hadn't.  I was so mad when I finished reading that.  It was about how infertile couples should not accept life without children.  God made us to have families and there are other ways to grow that family than by giving birth to babies.  Some do foster care, some do volunteer work in church or other kid's groups, some are regular babysitters and some adopt.  So here in this one little innocent article about adoption God was calling me out.  He was telling me that my vowing to live child free was not how I was created to live.  I was using it as a way of protecting myself and maybe I was acting a bit childish myself saying "if you don't give me children the way I want, then I'm not having any at all!"  Geesh, what a crybaby I am! 

So DH and I started talking about adoption again.  We had talked about it before and DH has always been open to it.  It was always me saying I wasn't against it but I just wasn't sure it was right for us.  There is so much scrutiny, I didn't want social workers looking over my shoulder judging me, it wouldn't be the same as having biological kids, it was soooo much paperwork and personal information involved, and it costs a lot of money.  It was just too much trouble to adopt.  But in the end I came around to the point where I agreed to start doing some research into agencies in our area.  I still wasn't on board with adoption but I agreed to take a baby step in that direction.  In the end the acreage didn't work out because the seller didn't want to take our offer and we weren't willing to pay her asking price.  We could have afforded it but then I would be tied to my job for several more years just so we could afford the payments.  I wasn't ready to give up my dream of being a stay at home mom someday so we chose to stay in the house we're in.  We decided to spend that money we had for the down payment on adoption instead. 

Never Say Never

Hi ladies! If any of you are still following, I'm pleased to say that I'm back and a lot has happened.  I said our journey to build our family was over but God had other plans.  He took hold of my heart and has made so many amazing changes in who I am and where I'm going.  I thought about starting a brand new blog thinking to start fresh but the fact is that the pain and struggle of this blog was part of the journey that brought me here and its part of me.  So instead I will pick up where I left off.  And surprisingly our infertility is no longer painful.  No... I'm still not pregnant and likely never will be.  But God works in amazing ways and I have seen all sorts of changes these past few months that I never thought I would see.  So never say never.  More details and blog redesign coming soon :) 

Saying Goodbye

Dear friends,

I know I don't blog much these days but I do check in with all of you. Lately it seems to just stir up sadness from the past. I'd like to say that I've accepted my childless life and mostly I have but I didn't choose to accept, I accept it because there is no other choice. And I'm not who I used to be. I avoid kids and when I can't avoid them I look at how much trouble they are and tell myself I'm glad I won't ever have any. But in moments of weakness I admit I'm not glad and my heart still longs for it. But I no longer feel that our future includes children. Did I give up or surrender? Its hard to differentiate, maybe those two aren't as different as I thought. While we were trying for a baby I always felt that there was a miraculous pregnancy in my future. Now seeing so many of you get that or having successful adoptions, I just don't feel that way anymore. You'd think your stories would give me hope for my own but it doesn't. It only reminds me of how bad I wanted it and what I gave up.

But overall DH and I are very happy. The future has some changes for us that I'm excited about. And I can be happy without children. I know I have everything I need. But it does take work to block that mommy instinct that still longs for my own baby to hold. I may fight that for the rest of my life but I have babies waiting for me in heaven. In my effort to block that unfulfilled longing for children I'm ending this blog. I don't have much to say anymore and even if I try to turn this blog into something else it will forever be an infertility blog full of struggle and pain. There will be no announcing of a miraculous pregnancy and my journey to parenthood. The journey ends here. The pain of our struggle will not go way with this blog but I need to cut the strings to as many reminders as I can.

So thank you to everyone who followed us on our journey. Congrats to so many of you who got your babies and congrats to all of you who with the courage to continue the fight. Your support has meant so much to me in a world where only cyber friends can understand what we go through. God bless!

Love, Jen

Courageous

"The only way we'll ever stand, is on our knees with lifted hands".

I'm so excited for their new album out in October.

What's New?

Its been over a month since I've updated this blog, time goes by so fast it seems. So what's new? Well I have to say not much. I always hate when people ask that question because it seems there is nothing new, at least that other people would care about. It seems all I do these days is go to work, come home, take the dogs for a walk and then work around the house and garden until my early bedtime. Then I get up the next day and do the same thing. I just don't live an exciting dramatic life. Honestly, its pretty lame. But there is some comfort and stablility in the routine lameness that is my life.

Lately it seems I have seen so many of my online infertile friends move on. Move on to pregnancy or adoption. I purposely stay away from reading blogs of those who are just beginning their infertility journey because it hurts to see them move on so quickly. But now seeing my fellow infertility veterans move on leaves me wondering if my role is set. Perhaps I will be that small percent that never has children biologically or through adoption. Am I okay with that? Most of the time yes but it doesn't make the feelings of being left out go away. But it makes sense that I would eventually come to this point of the road. First my real life friends moved on without me, then countless cyber friends and now several of my good old trusted veterans. Of course I'm happy for them, I wouldn't wish for any of them to be left behind with me. I just can't help feeling sorry for myself. But before the pity party goes on too long, I come to my senses and realize I don't really care that much to have children anymore. So maybe I'm moving on to. The only reason I don't feel great about that is because I didn't exactly choose the path of living childless. If I could have kids I would. And then comes the question, why don't you just adopt? Well I don't know why exactly but anyone who can have children doesn't seem to understand its not that simple. Adoption is a calling and I just don't feel it. And I feel guilty because all these children need good homes and I just don't feel God calling me to give them one. Its not like I would say no if He dropped one on my doorstep and asked me to give the child a home but I just don't feel led to actively pursue adoption. And while I'm sitting here in this childless stand still, I'm very aware that time is going by and I'm not getting any younger. So I just turned 27 last week and I KNOW its not that old. Plenty of people don't even get married until they are my age and I probably have a good 5-10 year window of opportunity here before I'd really consider myself too old to have children. But I feel so much older, I already feel too old to have children. I know I've blogged about that before but I just don't know how to explain it.

There is some comfort in the fact that my life does seem to be going according to God's plan. I've said several times over the past year how my career opportunities keep getting practically handed to me without my asking. That is true again. I was specially selected to go to a training that will hopefully help me get a new position that will open the way to further advancement which = more money, benefits and stability. The postal service is going broke and making a lot of changes to try to save themselves. Changes which include a lot of people losing their jobs. But not me, I didn't ask for this yet here it is and it would be stupid to say no. But I've never wanted a career. I've only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. When I was talking to my mother about this she said that God is helping me out again by giving me this new opportunity. And I said, well I don't know why because I didn't ask for it and I don't even want to work. But I know this is part of His plan and the best thing for me to do is to keep going where He leads me and be thankful for blessings and opportunities that I receive. Everyone has to make a decision at some point between giving family or career a higher priority. I always have and always will choose family. I would give up my career in a second to have my little family. But I guess I'm one of the few that has had that decision made for me. As each month passes, I feel more and more certain there are no babies or surprise pregnancies in my future. It looks more and more like I will live the rest of my days childless. Half the time DH and I don't even have sex when I'm fertile anymore. But when your chance of conception rounds down to 0%, does it really matter?

But God has a plan and I believe I'm following it. Its just hard to accept a plan that is so opposite of my own. I have faith though that His plan will ultimately make me happier than anything I could have planned for myself. Until then I just keep plugging along, taking it one day at a time. Not really unhappy but not exactly living life to its fullest either.