What's New?

Its been over a month since I've updated this blog, time goes by so fast it seems. So what's new? Well I have to say not much. I always hate when people ask that question because it seems there is nothing new, at least that other people would care about. It seems all I do these days is go to work, come home, take the dogs for a walk and then work around the house and garden until my early bedtime. Then I get up the next day and do the same thing. I just don't live an exciting dramatic life. Honestly, its pretty lame. But there is some comfort and stablility in the routine lameness that is my life.

Lately it seems I have seen so many of my online infertile friends move on. Move on to pregnancy or adoption. I purposely stay away from reading blogs of those who are just beginning their infertility journey because it hurts to see them move on so quickly. But now seeing my fellow infertility veterans move on leaves me wondering if my role is set. Perhaps I will be that small percent that never has children biologically or through adoption. Am I okay with that? Most of the time yes but it doesn't make the feelings of being left out go away. But it makes sense that I would eventually come to this point of the road. First my real life friends moved on without me, then countless cyber friends and now several of my good old trusted veterans. Of course I'm happy for them, I wouldn't wish for any of them to be left behind with me. I just can't help feeling sorry for myself. But before the pity party goes on too long, I come to my senses and realize I don't really care that much to have children anymore. So maybe I'm moving on to. The only reason I don't feel great about that is because I didn't exactly choose the path of living childless. If I could have kids I would. And then comes the question, why don't you just adopt? Well I don't know why exactly but anyone who can have children doesn't seem to understand its not that simple. Adoption is a calling and I just don't feel it. And I feel guilty because all these children need good homes and I just don't feel God calling me to give them one. Its not like I would say no if He dropped one on my doorstep and asked me to give the child a home but I just don't feel led to actively pursue adoption. And while I'm sitting here in this childless stand still, I'm very aware that time is going by and I'm not getting any younger. So I just turned 27 last week and I KNOW its not that old. Plenty of people don't even get married until they are my age and I probably have a good 5-10 year window of opportunity here before I'd really consider myself too old to have children. But I feel so much older, I already feel too old to have children. I know I've blogged about that before but I just don't know how to explain it.

There is some comfort in the fact that my life does seem to be going according to God's plan. I've said several times over the past year how my career opportunities keep getting practically handed to me without my asking. That is true again. I was specially selected to go to a training that will hopefully help me get a new position that will open the way to further advancement which = more money, benefits and stability. The postal service is going broke and making a lot of changes to try to save themselves. Changes which include a lot of people losing their jobs. But not me, I didn't ask for this yet here it is and it would be stupid to say no. But I've never wanted a career. I've only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. When I was talking to my mother about this she said that God is helping me out again by giving me this new opportunity. And I said, well I don't know why because I didn't ask for it and I don't even want to work. But I know this is part of His plan and the best thing for me to do is to keep going where He leads me and be thankful for blessings and opportunities that I receive. Everyone has to make a decision at some point between giving family or career a higher priority. I always have and always will choose family. I would give up my career in a second to have my little family. But I guess I'm one of the few that has had that decision made for me. As each month passes, I feel more and more certain there are no babies or surprise pregnancies in my future. It looks more and more like I will live the rest of my days childless. Half the time DH and I don't even have sex when I'm fertile anymore. But when your chance of conception rounds down to 0%, does it really matter?

But God has a plan and I believe I'm following it. Its just hard to accept a plan that is so opposite of my own. I have faith though that His plan will ultimately make me happier than anything I could have planned for myself. Until then I just keep plugging along, taking it one day at a time. Not really unhappy but not exactly living life to its fullest either.

Easter

First an update about Ellie.....she is reinforcing my thoughts that having children is just too much work! I don't know how mother's do it. I love her to pieces already but she cries all night when we put her in her kennel for bed. Finally after 2 hours DH usually gets up and sleeps next to her kennel and then she is quiet. I know its not helping the situation but we need to sleep too! Tonight we are going to try moving her kennel into our room. It won't help when we leave her home but if it helps at night I'll be happy enough. She's had a few accidents in the house but is doing really well with potty training. And other than the bedding in her kennel, she hasn't destroyed anything yet. So she isn't a terrible puppy but I just wish she would let us sleep at night. These past few days have me almost fearful of a surprise BFP. I'm afraid I would be a terrible mother. I'm just not sure I'm even willing to make the necessary sacrifices anymore. If taking care of a new puppy is so stressful, I can't imagine a real baby. I feel like the days of being young and excited about starting a family are past, like I'm too old for it even though I'm only 26. My life is going in a different direction now and I'm okay with it. There are still painful moments but the truth is I'm not sure I want a family. If my fairy Godmother came and said I could have one wish, I'm not sure I'd wish for a baby anymore. I don't know what I would wish for but I really don't think that would be it.


So its Easter weekend and we're getting together with my family. Now that I've been blogging for over a year its interesting to look back and see where I was a year ago. I'm in such a different place now. Last Easter I was bitter and angry towards my SIL because she was expecting my niece. Now while I still don't enjoy family get togethers, I don't hate them either. I'm just rather indifferent towards them.



We've been going to church services this week for Holy Week. I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of Easter and how important it is if your a Christian. Many people only go to church on Easter and Christmas but I really feel those people are missing something. Our pastor gave a very interesting sermon about how Easter and Christmas are not the most meaningful or miraculous days in the church year. On Christmas our Savior was born but what's the big deal really? Babies are born everyday and then He was just another baby, its the most natural thing in the world. The real miracle was the incarnation, where Jesus left His throne in heaven and came down and became one of us in Mary's womb. That is the miracle of Christmas, not that a baby was born. Easter is much the same way. The real miracle is Good Friday, not Easter Sunday. On Easter Jesus rose from the dead. Is that a miracle? Lazarus was raised from the dead too. That's a miracle but we don't celebrate the day Lazarus rose. The real miracle of Easter is that Jesus willingly died for us. He could have stopped the whole thing any time.....but He didn't. He knew He had to do it because He loves us so much. There would be no Easter without Good Friday. I can't put it as eloquently as our pastor did but it really makes you think.

Meet Ellie

Welcome Ellie, a new addition to our little family. I resisted for a long time but finally caved in a brought her home. Missy is slowly warming up to the idea of sharing her home with a new little pup. We've only had her for a few days but she is very good so far. I'm sure the naughty will come soon.

7 Years Ago Today

*sorry I don't know why blogger won't let me make paragraphs today.... Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. I keep thinking about how 7 is supposedly a complete and holy number. I don't feel complete. But our family of two is as complete as it was 7 years ago. I can't believe what we've been through the past seven years. I never would have imagined on my wedding day that this is where I'd be in 7 years. But here I am, beyond my control. Still happily married so I guess I can be thankful for that. Last night DH opened up to me, which is a rare occurance since he's a guy and totally not into sharing his feelings. He expressed many of the same things I feel, like just not being happy because there is no future for us without a family. Things seem to have no purpose when you have no family to provide for, nothing real and meaninful to look forward to, no responsibilities except to yourself. The future begins to look like one dreary day after the next. It broke my heart to hear DH talk like that. Sure I think those things all the time but to hear him actually say it sounded so depressing. I'm sorry that I can't make DH's dreams come true and that he feels like his life will always be missing something. It hurts to always be left out as we prepare for our last childless couple friends to soon announce that they are expecting. Who will we be friends with then? Who will we hang out with then besides my parents? It seems that all our friendships are temporary because we know that someday everyone will move on to parenthood without us and even though we will still be friends on some level, we just can't relate when we're in such different places. This was made very clear to me last week when we went out to dinner with my brother and SIL and our friends. Us girls were talking and all my SIL talked about was the kids. Of course because that's all people with kids do. But then my friend without kids went on about how when she has kids and proceeded to discuss all her dreams of parenthood with my SIL. I almost cried when I realized I couldn't participate in the conversation. I had nothing of value to add, I have no dreams for a family. Then they started talking about this other friend who is having twins. And my childless friend said how she would love to have twins. And I almost cried again because that used to be my dream. And I'm so envious of my friend and my SIL because one still has all her dreams in front of her to look forward too and my SIL has all her dreams coming true. Then I realized this will always be my lot in life. I will always be the outsider. Even when I'm old and gray, I'll be having coffee with my old lady friends and they will discuss their kids and grandkids and I will sit there unable to participate in the conversation. They will talk about their dreams for their grandkids when they grow up and I will have nothing to add of my own. Also this week another of my infertile blogger friends miraculously and naturally got pregnant. I'm thrilled for her as she has put her time in and is another example of God's faithfulness, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself. Once again there is someone who wasn't suppose to get pregnant and did. I hear that story all the time. Everyone knows someone like that. But that story will never be told about me. It seems there are never stories about people who weren't suppose to get pregnant and never did. But that is my fate. That will be my story. There are no miracles in my future. I can't even picture myself as a mother anymore. When I'm around my niece and nephew I have no desire to be with them, no desire to play with them, I don't think they are cute, I don't want to hold and cuddle them, I don't want to make them laugh or smile......I just don't care. My mothering instinct is lost, buried or dead. Its okay though, its easier that way. I know this sounds depressing but I'm really not that unhappy with my life. When I think about the future maybe it is a bit sad and lonely but I don't think about the future much. I wake up and do the job God gave me to do today. Be a wife, be a daughter, be an employee and do the best I can at each of them. Despite our lack of family DH and I are still happy together. Its been the two of us for 7 years and will likely just be the two of us for the next 70 years but there is no reason we can't be happy. We love each other and we love God and that's enough for today. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow.

How Strange

Today I was at work in my little post office and this older lady comes in and was going on about stories from her childhood for 45 minutes. I grew up in this little town and I've always known this little old lady from church. She is very outspoken about her faith and her relationship with Jesus. Her life seems to center around Him. So after she went on for almost an hour and I smiled and nodded a lot she says "Oh your so sweet, I just know the Lord has something really special for you, I just know it." Just the way she said it, left me feeling rather uncomfortable, I mean what do you say to that? Then before she finally left she repeated it again and said "I'll let you know when I figure it out". My first thought was thank the Lord, He finally sent me a messenger. Then I realized she is just a batty old lady, she may be sweet but I seriously doubt that she has any insight into what my future holds. But the whole conversation still has me feeling uneasy. Of course I assume if what she said has any truth to it, it would have to be related to my infertility. Although she's never said I do believe she is aware of it because I'm rather certain that my gossiping grandmother has told everyone in town, especially since DH and I are celebrating 7 years of marriage this month and the "when are you having children" questions have stopped from most people in town. Or people think its safe to assume if we wanted or were able to have kids we would have by now. But then I thought well, why do I assume if God has something special in store for me that it would be related to my infertility? God could have a plan for something special in my life that has nothing to do with babies. And then I sadly and selfishly thought, oh well it can't be that special then. I can't imagine how childish and hurtful I must be to God. I pretty much feel like if I can't have the gift I want, when I want it then He can just keep whatever He has in store for me. I feel guilty just typing that. Brutal honestly is harder to take in when its staring back at me from the computer. But it is what it is. I'm still trying to deal with everything that goes along with another failure and pretending not to feel the way I do isn't going to help.

Hope's Not Giving Up

Okay so as hard as I've tried, I have to confess that I just can't give up hope. Believe me I've been trying. I don't want to have hope, it only makes the disappointment worse. But as silly as it seems there is still something in me that tells me someday we will have our miracle baby. Darn it hope, get out of my head! I want to be done with this and I want to put all our infertility struggles, dreams, disappointments, hopes, fears, and tears behind me and move on. Why can't I get that little voice out of my head that keeps saying, "maybe someday we'll be one of those stories of a couple that gets pregnant on their own after everything else failed." Ugh, I wish I didn't think like that. It is those kind of thoughts that will keep me forever tied to my dreams. I tried to walk away but it seems I'm still dragging those stupid dreams along behind me, trying to pretend they are not there. On a side note, DH is trying to find a new goat for our farm. So on the desk he has a piece of paper with some notes written on it about a goat we are thinking of buying. The goat's mother was named "Miracles". But on this piece of paper DH has the goats name and written next to it "out of miracles". Now DH meant it as in this goat was born out of a goat named miracles, but everytime I sit down at the desk and see it I think, "Yep, 'out of miracles', that describes why God won't give me a baby, especially since He just gave twins to a friend of mine." I almost feel like I'm trying too hard to be negative about this, its just not in my nature but the whole positive thinking thing hasn't worked out for me so far so I might as well try something different. But I'm starting to realize that my faith and my relationship with God won't allow for me to continue with the negativity. While I'm certain we are done with fertility treatments, I can't deny that I will always be hoping that God isn't quite out of miracles yet. Which is pretty much where I have been the past two years. Not much has been changed by this failed IVF after all except that the door to fertility treatments is firmly shut. I'm not sure what will happen with this blog since I don't have much to say or anything new in the way of infertility anymore. I could blog about my weight loss attempts but even I get sick of pretending I'm really going to lose weight only to give it up after a few weeks. You can read my other blog if your interested in our farm, garden, canning and cheese making attempts. I'm terrible at keeping it updated but hoping to make a real effort this summer. I keep them separate because friends and family read that blog, while this one is strictly private, to be shared only with my fellow anonymous infertiles. I don't know what's with blogger making the post all one paragraph, I tried but oh well. Sorry if its hard to read.

Ugh, really? again?

I found out today that another family friend is pregnant. I'm okay with that, I'm used to it by now and accepted it but here's the part that stings a little......she's pregnant with twin girls. DH and I have always dreamed of twin girls. Normally I'd be pretty hurt by this but its really this kind of thing that I've come to expect from my life. Its like being kicked when your down, like God is mocking me saying "hahaha, look at that! I gave someone else your heart's desire...again! Isn't it funny?! That oughta teach you". Now I know God is not like that, He is a loving God. I'm not saying He isn't doing this to me on purpose but its probably to teach me something or make me a better person, build character....you know some crap like that. But I'm just not in the mood for self improvement, I just don't even want to think about those things lately.