Huge Fan of my New Herbs

First let me say that most of my luteal phases leave me with miserble PMS. Sore bbs, bad cramping, fatigue and super cranky. This usually starts in less than a week after ovulation. This month taking my Yuan Support Herbs seems to be helping a lot. The first real cramping I've felt has been today and its not as often or severe as usual. No sore bbs and only slightly cranky. I'm still really tired because I haven't been sleeping well. I keep having bad dreams and then hearing things in my sleep, then waking up and thinking it was real. Like this morning I swear I heard a window shatter but all was fine in our house. The other night I heard the dog howl but she was sleeping. Weird. But all my other usual luteal phase symptoms are nonexistent so I'm super happy about my herbs. Not that the cramps or anything are that painful but just feeling them makes me think "oh maybe I'm pg." This 2ww has gone by much faster without that little nagging reminder. My chart was looking triphasic, which I was excited about until this morning it went down. Could be due to my poor sleep, hopefully I'll get an accurate temp tomorrow. I'm hopeful for this cycle but not too hopeful. I still haven't gotten a copy of DH's SA. I don't know what can two weeks about putting it in an envelope with a stamp but oh well.

Weight Loss is Hard!

So far I'm down 17 lbs and that didn't come off easily! Thanks to SparkPeople I am able to closely track what I eat and we do have a gym membership, its just hard to find time to get there. Now with such a snowy winter its even more frustrating because when I have time the roads are too bad to travel the 7 miles. Last weekend with all the get togethers and eating out I stopped counting my calories. With starting my new job this week I have not only not been counting calories but also not going to the gym. If that wasn't bad enough I've made cookies twice this week now. So far it hasn't added any pounds but if I keep this up it surely will. I'm almost half way to my goal so I can't quit now! I'm hoping DH can start going to the gym with me soon and I'll get back on track.

Update

I've really been trying to open my eyes to the hand of God and His blessings lately. He is so good to us! Life is a series of mountaintops and valleys right? I keep thinking we're on a moutaintop right now because everything is going so well, surely there must be a valley coming soon. But I can't let the fear of a valley on the otherside ruin the joy of a mountaintop. I just can't spend time worrying about that because on the other side of that valley is mountain and it might be a tough climb but we'll get there, Jesus will walk with us. I just have so much joy in my heart lately that I can't help but praise God for it.

I'm still waiting for the semen analysis report so I can look it over for myself. I ovulated last weekend and we used the conception cap again. I'm not sure I placed it correctly but we'll see. I also got my herbs from the acupuncturist this week. They are Golden Flower Chinese Herbs and available only through the prescription of an herbalist. There is a differnt one for 3 phases of your cycle. I totally believe in Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and although I supposedly have no infertility issues I think it will be good for me to try this for a while. Especially with DH's counts improved. I give TCM more credit than western medicine in many cases. A lot of people confuse it with religious beliefs but it is separate from that. TCM is all about the body working as an intertwined system and one thing being out of balance can cause several problems in areas western medicine assumes to be unrelated. Plus western medicine gives you drugs to correct one problem while causing another. TCM is all about harmonizing the entire system so it works properly together. We are hopeful for this cycle and know that with God all things are possible, as He clearly demonstrated with DH's SA last week!

Hooray for DH!

I'm so happy for him. For the first time ever he had a normal count. He's never even come close and we tried everything! I don't have the report yet, I like to see it for myself so they mailed me a copy. Total count was 58mil so its low-normal but we'll take it! Motility was 39% so not great but that varies a lot for him. The bad news....morph was 0%. Our RE won't do any more IUIs for us as long as we have 0% morph. It's been as high as 2% and when they urology lab did an SA they said it was 8%. Both use the Kruger method but I think the RE lab is a little more harsh when judging them, since it is somewhat subjective. We're still super excited, for the first time ever we have shot of doing it on our own. I know I know our morph sucks and the RE says it will never work even with IUI but forget him, I'd love to prove him wrong. Miracles can happen, that fact that DH's count is normal IS a miracle. Praise God! I'm so thankful right now. I know this doesn't mean will get pg but I just can't help but have a joyful heart.


We started having little lambs on our farm this week. They are super adorable. There was a set of triplets yesterday! God has been so good to us lately. I just can't help but rejoice knowing we're on a mountaintop and fear for the valley that surely must be coming.

Praying For Good News

We decided it was time to stop letting fear hold us back and so tomorrow DH is going to have another SA done. I'm praying for good news. Wouldn't it be a wonderful miracle if DH was completely healed and had normal numbers? I believe God can do it. Regardless of our numbers tomorrow, I'll be ovulating Monday and we will give the conception cap another try.

Goat Milk Ice Cream, Snow & Fears

I have been thinking based on some comments made to me that perhaps I'm hiding in fear. What am I afraid of? Well just about everything related to IF these days. Is it holding me back? Is fear making decisions for me? Yes, a lot of what I'm thinking is lead by fear and I'm just using the excuse that God doesn't want us to do anything about having a baby right now. I don't doubt God called on us to wait last year after our m/c but maybe he's not still calling on us to wait, maybe I'm letting fear keep me from trying. Why won't I let DH get another SA? I'm afraid of getting the same or worse results. Why won't I go back to the RE? I'm afraid of going to the place that caused me so much pain, afraid it will cause me more pain. Why won't I do more treatments? I'm afraid it won't work and will turn out to be a waste of money. Why won't I waste money on treatments that won't work? I'm afraid I won't have that money for other things when I need it. Why won't I keep trying and put my hope in Him? I'm afraid He won't give me what I want. I'm afraid He will give me what I want and I won't be happy with it. Fear is controlling a lot of my life right now. Even if I don't have all the answers I need things are getting a little clearer. I'm reading a Beth Moore bible study right now and one of the verses from scripture in my reading for today was from Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Coincidence that I read that today? Nope, not at all. I still don't know where I'm going but I know I can't sit here being fearful and discouraged. DH wants to do another SA, so next week he will be doing another SA and see where things are at and what we should do next.

Since everything so far has been about our IF and this isn't meant to be a strictly IF blog I'm going to add a little something else today. Its below zero temps and the roads are icy today leaving me stuck inside and getting a little stir crazy. So I'm going to make some goat milk ice cream. I call it HunnyBunny Ice Cream, instead of BlueBunny since our goats are named Hunny and Bunny. Don't ask me why I would want ice cream on such a cold day. Here's my super simple, super yummy recipe....

2 C. Goat Milk
1/2 C. Sugar
1 tsp. Vanilla

Only today I'm making chocolate ice cream. I haven't tried that flavor yet so we'll see how it goes. Our goats aren't in milk right now but I have some in the freezer. One thing I learned the hard way about freezing goat milk is that it doesn't filter well when thawed. We were on vacation last summer and I had a relative milk the goats and in my effort to make things as easy as possible for them I told them to just freeze it right away. It is nearly impossible to filter after freezing and if you do manange all your left with is skim milk.

Another Cycle Gone

I've stopped counting at this point. I was hopeful this cycle would be different but my temp went down today at 13dpo so I'm sure AF will show up right on time tomorrow. Although I've sworn off medical treatments we did decide to try the conception kit by Concievex this month. Now that I have tried it, I can see where the Instead Softcups would give you the same effect for much cheaper. DH has always had better numbers in the winter months so we thought it would be a good time to try it. I'm curious about what his count is these days, its been almost a year since his last SA. I'm not curious enough to bother with another test, what if turns out badly? I'd rather just sit and wonder if we even have a chance of concieving on our own, at least that way there is hope. The whole idea of the conception kit or the Instead cups seems to make sense for us. The only issues we have is MF and my tilted cervix/uterus. Of course they say that doesn't impair fertility but when we already have very few swimmers to work with it can't be good to make it more difficult for them to find the cervix. I could barely find it when using the conception cap! It is definitely tilted and way high to the right.

So with AF sure to show tomorrow, my hopes are crushed another month and honestly my hopes at all of the kit helping us. It just seems like if it was gonna work it would have worked right away. Of course that's ridiculous, I know enough about getting pg now to know its not that easy and even takes normal fertile people a few tries sometimes. But I keep telling myself that its all so silly to worry about. No matter what we do or don't do, we're not going to have a baby until God decides its time to bless us with one. I guess its just not our time. So I have to wait. But patiently waiting doesn't mean we give up trying and certainly not give up hope. I gave up for a long time after our miscarriage and it felt good and right to not try. But now I feel like I have to try, just to show God I still care enough to make an effort. DH has always felt called to adopt, me not so much. I try to stay open to it but its just not in my heart and then I feel guilty because I want my own baby and adoption is so complicated and expensive. For a while I seriously thought about embryo adoption but decided that didn't feel right either. At least not right now. The only thing that feels right right now is to keep waiting. But I'm sick of waiting! I want to do something! But I still feel like God is asking me to wait. Its been a year now that I have felt Him telling me that but how long is He gonna ask that of me? When I think of the bible stories, I find it is less than encouraging. Of course what is encouraging is that each story of infertility turns into a very special miracle. The part that is discouraging is that all those women had to wait several years, even up to 25 years! I can't wait that long. It just seems like if I have to wait that long, we might as well just forget it. By the time I'm 50 babies will be the last thing I want to have.

In spite of the fact that I may have a very long wait ahead of me, I truly believe that God will give us a miracle someday. I often have dreams of holding my baby girl, with dark hair and eyes like her daddy, and she's perfect in every way. She is my Hannah Faith. It used to make me sad and depressed but now that dream and thoughts of it fill me with peace. I know she exists and if I never get to see her in this life than I know it must be my lost baby in heaven with Jesus. Either way, some day that dream will come true and I'll hold my Hannah Faith in my arms. Its just a matter of waiting.

Welcome!

January 3rd 2010 - A new year and a new blog. While I'm Waiting, inspired by the song by John Waller. A blog about what I'm doing while I'm waiting for God to bless me with the desires of my heart. What exactly am I waiting for? The number one desire of my heart is to have babies. When we were married over 5 years ago I never thought we wouldn't be able to concieve, yet here we are. What else am I waiting for? Well ever since I was little I never had big dreams or career aspirations. I always just wanted to live out in the country with my pets and raise my children. When we got married we bought a house in town, it was near the farm where my DH works and it was affordable. We always said we would only be here a couple years until we find a place in the country. Six years later we're still here, still waiting for the right place, in the right location for the right price.



Luckily we have access to my parent's farm only a few miles away and we keep our animals there. I have chickens for fresh eggs and dairy goats for fresh milk. We also raise boer goats and sheep, which we breed and sell the babies. Sometimes we get some bottle calves from a local dairy and raise them til they are too big for me handle. I have a garden here in town and fill up our freezer each summer with whatever I can. I get excited about living a self sufficient life, growing our own food and living more naturally.



Right now I work at a church preschool. I love working with the kids although some days its hard because of our infertility. I was recently teaching at a daycare center but it closed when the economy starting getting tough. I was there for 3 years and truly loved those kids. Especially the ones I saw grow from infants to preschoolers. While I would prefer to be a stay at home mom, until that is possible teaching fills my time and that empty place in my heart.



DH and I met and started dating when we were 14. At 15 he moved 2 hours away and we had a long distance relationship, on and off throughout high school. We went to college together and after some difficult adjustments, we got married in 2004. Three years ago this month DH and I started trying to have a baby. Looking back it seems we were so young and naive. Who would have thought after all we are always told about how to avoid pregnancy that it would be so difficult for us to achieve. After a year we found out about our male factor infertility, the tri-fecta of MFI, low count, motility and morphology. We tried every vitamin/supplement combo, clomid, acupuncture, IUIs and finally IVF. After an initially successful IVF we found out at our first ultrasound that it was a blighted ovum. I wanted to miscarry naturally but after 2 weeks of bleeding I still had not passed the majority of the tissue and was given a prescription to help things along. I did pass the tissue then but when all was said and done I spent 7 weeks miscarrying naturally. Not something I want to experience ever again.

In the midst of all this, I watched my SIL come into our lives, easily get pregnant and give birth once, now with another on the way. I'm still working on my jealousy issues there. All but one of my friends have also easily concieved and given birth to one or more children. Last spring we determined that fertility treatments were no longer worth the expense since we are OOP. Finally I surrendered all control to God, the creator and giver of life. When He decides its time I truly believe He will give us our child, until then we wait. After all, the past 3 years haven't been easy and He is the only solid rock we have had to cling to. In 25 years, He has never truly let me down or abandoned me, there is no reason to think He would now. I may have walked the path leading away, but He has always walked with me and guided me back when I was ready to turn around.



Here are the lyrics that inspired me to share this blog.

"I'm waiting; I'm waiting on you Lord;

And I am hopeful; I'm waiting on you Lord;

Though it is painful; But patiently, I will wait;

I will move ahead, bold and confident;

Taking every step in obedience;

While I'm waiting, I will serve you;

While I'm waiting, I will worship you;

While I'm waiting, I will not faint;

I'll be running the race, even while I wait;

I'm waiting; I'm waiting on you Lord;

And I am peaceful; I'm waiting on you Lord;

Though its not easy; I'm waiting on you Lord;

But faithfully I will wait; Yes I will wait."