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January 3rd 2010 - A new year and a new blog. While I'm Waiting, inspired by the song by John Waller. A blog about what I'm doing while I'm waiting for God to bless me with the desires of my heart. What exactly am I waiting for? The number one desire of my heart is to have babies. When we were married over 5 years ago I never thought we wouldn't be able to concieve, yet here we are. What else am I waiting for? Well ever since I was little I never had big dreams or career aspirations. I always just wanted to live out in the country with my pets and raise my children. When we got married we bought a house in town, it was near the farm where my DH works and it was affordable. We always said we would only be here a couple years until we find a place in the country. Six years later we're still here, still waiting for the right place, in the right location for the right price.



Luckily we have access to my parent's farm only a few miles away and we keep our animals there. I have chickens for fresh eggs and dairy goats for fresh milk. We also raise boer goats and sheep, which we breed and sell the babies. Sometimes we get some bottle calves from a local dairy and raise them til they are too big for me handle. I have a garden here in town and fill up our freezer each summer with whatever I can. I get excited about living a self sufficient life, growing our own food and living more naturally.



Right now I work at a church preschool. I love working with the kids although some days its hard because of our infertility. I was recently teaching at a daycare center but it closed when the economy starting getting tough. I was there for 3 years and truly loved those kids. Especially the ones I saw grow from infants to preschoolers. While I would prefer to be a stay at home mom, until that is possible teaching fills my time and that empty place in my heart.



DH and I met and started dating when we were 14. At 15 he moved 2 hours away and we had a long distance relationship, on and off throughout high school. We went to college together and after some difficult adjustments, we got married in 2004. Three years ago this month DH and I started trying to have a baby. Looking back it seems we were so young and naive. Who would have thought after all we are always told about how to avoid pregnancy that it would be so difficult for us to achieve. After a year we found out about our male factor infertility, the tri-fecta of MFI, low count, motility and morphology. We tried every vitamin/supplement combo, clomid, acupuncture, IUIs and finally IVF. After an initially successful IVF we found out at our first ultrasound that it was a blighted ovum. I wanted to miscarry naturally but after 2 weeks of bleeding I still had not passed the majority of the tissue and was given a prescription to help things along. I did pass the tissue then but when all was said and done I spent 7 weeks miscarrying naturally. Not something I want to experience ever again.

In the midst of all this, I watched my SIL come into our lives, easily get pregnant and give birth once, now with another on the way. I'm still working on my jealousy issues there. All but one of my friends have also easily concieved and given birth to one or more children. Last spring we determined that fertility treatments were no longer worth the expense since we are OOP. Finally I surrendered all control to God, the creator and giver of life. When He decides its time I truly believe He will give us our child, until then we wait. After all, the past 3 years haven't been easy and He is the only solid rock we have had to cling to. In 25 years, He has never truly let me down or abandoned me, there is no reason to think He would now. I may have walked the path leading away, but He has always walked with me and guided me back when I was ready to turn around.



Here are the lyrics that inspired me to share this blog.

"I'm waiting; I'm waiting on you Lord;

And I am hopeful; I'm waiting on you Lord;

Though it is painful; But patiently, I will wait;

I will move ahead, bold and confident;

Taking every step in obedience;

While I'm waiting, I will serve you;

While I'm waiting, I will worship you;

While I'm waiting, I will not faint;

I'll be running the race, even while I wait;

I'm waiting; I'm waiting on you Lord;

And I am peaceful; I'm waiting on you Lord;

Though its not easy; I'm waiting on you Lord;

But faithfully I will wait; Yes I will wait."