Memorial Day

Today we went to the lake with my family. My nephew is about 18 months old now and he just loves his uncle Mike. He starts saying "mike, mike" long before he gets near DH. Yesterday they sat behind us in church and the whole time he kept saying "mike, mike". DH is so good with kids and loves them so much that it breaks my heart that he may never be a father himself. Sometimes I want to give DH a child more than I want it for myself. He would be such a good daddy. And my SIL, oh how I covet her 8 month pg belly. I only wish mine had a baby bump like that. Then I watched my nephew through a tantrum and watched them take a good half hour to pack everything up to go home and for a brief second I was thankful its just me, DH and the dog. I really feel we have crossed that point where we need to decide to adopt or live child free. I really think I could choose to live child free most days. But then other days my heart hurts so bad I don't know how I would ever live without children.

Every summer I like to do a bible study. This summer I'm going to do the one from Sarah's Laughter. I'm excited to get started and plan to share much of it here with all of you.

Excited To Meet My New Dr.

I finally called to make an appointment with a new Dr. I did not take choosing one lightly. Its tough because you don't really know until you meet someone. So I spent days searching the internet for reviews and info on the different doctors in the area. Finally I narrowed it down to a couple. I called one clinic and talked to the receptionist, she said they were all pretty equal when it came to infertility. Seeing as how there are no other specialists I'm looking for an ob/gyn and not quite sure they will "get" our IF. I couldn't decide, do I want a young woman who might be easier to relate to or an older man who has 30 years experience. I called the older guy's clinic, he has his own clinic not part of the women's clinic like the others. I talked to one of his nurses and I was explaining some of what we've been though and my concerns about how I may have some issues that haven't been explored. And what does she say? She says that while Dr. M doesn't do IVF, he does do husband IUI. What?! I called all over asking each women's clinic and hospital trying to find out if any ob/gyns do IUI and everyone said no. Clearly the receptionist at this hospital doesn't have a clue. So I'm really excited to meet him, he sounds like he is just what I've been looking for. I was expecting to schedule a general consult and exam in a few weeks, usually as new patient most places make you wait. Even my PCP makes me a schedule a couple weeks out. But the nurse wanted to schedule me for Friday already! I wasn't ready for that so we scheduled for next Tuesday. He'll do a consult and annual exam. Oh those annual exams are so much fun, I can't wait. DH was asking what I would all have done and I was explaining how they do a pap and feel for fibroids and abnormal shaped things. DH couldn't believe they do those things. Its so fun to be a woman sometimes. I haven't been to any kind of Dr. in a year and a half so its been a while since I've had the pleasure of pelvic exam. Its been kinda nice actually! Regardless I'm excited to hear what he has to say. All his reviews online have said that he gives his patients lots of time and is a good listener. Of course they want my records sent over, which I think I will just fax myself since I have copies of everything. Would it be weird for me to fax over a letter detailing what we've been through and some things I want to discuss, like my endo symptoms? I figure he could better help me if he has some of the info on our situation ahead of time. I'm just the kind of person that could write him a 5 page letter detailing my fertility history. Would that be weird? Maybe if I just keep it to one page?

I really feel God has led me to this doctor, it seems he's just what I've been looking for. Let's hope I'm not disappointed on Tuesday.

I am a hypochondriac

Okay so maybe I'm not but I've been researching this naprotechnology thing and I found a couple things that sound like me. First of all I've never had a lap or HSG and never thought I would. The RE gave me an all clear so I assumed I'm not contributing to our IF. Now I think I might be. For one thing I think it is completely irresponsible of my RE not to do an HSG. Because of our male factor he's always been selling us IVF so of course it wouldn't matter if my tubes are open. But since my bloodwork has always come back normal he's never looked too deeply into my side of things. But I think I have endo. Ever since I was in high school deep in the back of my mind I've wondered. But I assumed my symptoms were just normal AF. But now after posting on a message board and talking to other girls with endo, I'm feeling pretty sure I have at least some mild endo. And that would make sense if I didn't have "perfect" reproductive organs because DH's numbers aren't always that bad, in fact they are almost normal during the winter months. So I was asking myself, why in almost 4 years have we not once gotten pg on our own? Seems even serious male factor people get lucky eventually. I told myself maybe it was because of DH's 0% morph, or maybe it just wasn't God's plan. Now I know it isn't his morph because this other lab said he was normal. Although I can't rule out the maybe it isn't God's plan theory, maybe I do have some issues. So I think I'm going to talk to an ob/gyn at another clinic and see what she says about me having endo and possibly doing a lap. I have to switch clinics or anyone I talk to will just refer me back to the RE. I'm feeling positive about this, I think I do need a lap to remove some endo. I don't know why I didn't consider this sooner. Its expensive and insurance will cover it but first I need to meet my 3k deductible. So because we have 4th quarter carry over, my plan is to see a new ob/gyn within the next month and if she thinks its warranted, schedule a lap for October. Then regardless of how that turns out, we can pursue treatments again, DH's numbers will start going up and my deductible will be met making treatments and meds cheaper (not totally paid for but cheaper). I do think at some point we need to say enough is enough and stop spending money on trying to get pregnant. But I think this lap is important for me to do for general health reasons, not just fertility reasons. And I'm serious about my goal to lose weight this summer. I'm the kind of person that always needs to have a plan, so here's my plan, I feel much better now. Eat healthy and lose weight this summer, lap in October, possible TTCN or treatments in Dec. Jan. & Feb. If we're still unsuccessful by March then it will be time to get a new plan.

No IUI for us

We decided its just not worth the money for us to try an IUI right now. I'm super disappointed. I was looking forward to doing something again. My two fellow infertile friends at work are both starting treatments soon which also made me feel worse. One is going to take clomid soon b/c her sister just got pg using it. The other has been seeing a local doctor that works with this Creighton method doctor in Omaha. It seems he's pretty famous for his success. She says they work with male infertility too. I'm skeptical because I don't see how charting my cycle is going to help DH's sperm swim any better or be any smarter. But she convinced me to at least give this local doctor a call and see what she has to say. I'm willing to go for a consult although I remain unconvinced they can do anything for us. On this Omaha clinic's website they claim they have helped couples with as low as 50,000/ml sperm counts get pg naturally. That just doesn't seem possible to me but I'm willing to listen to what they have to say. DH says we've tried everything else, why not check this off the list too?

Speaking of trying everything, I have to admit another thing we haven't tried is getting completely drunk. It seems this works for a lot of people. DH was talking to someone today who had only around 10,000/ml count and they got pg on their own one weekend when they were completely trashed. Someone from work who has struggled with IF, had one IVF baby and the other two were surprises from a drunken weekend. Can that really work? Maybe its worth a try although getting drunk isn't really my thing. I usually fall asleep before DH can even get me home, much less make love to me. The last couple days DH has been trying to make me feel more positive by reminding me of all the these people we know who weren't suppose to get pg but did. Its not working to pull me out of my negative mood. I just tell him, "yeah well some day people will say we weren't suppose to get pg.....and we didn't." Some sunshine might help relieve me of this bad mood, its been rainy and cold all week.

Finally Results!

And now I'm more confused than ever. First for a positive, my theories about Dr. H's lab look to be correct. This lab evaluated DH's morph at 47% normal according to WHO standards, compared to Dr. H 0% normal kruger. I could expect some variation in labs and I understand Dr. H's lab is more trained in this but how can one lab say we have absolutely no normal sperm and another lab say we have above normal sperm (30% considered normal). It doesn't make sense unless Dr. H's lab is super strict so that he has some evidence to support his IVF sales. There is also the possiblity that DH's herbs have helped but I seriously doubt they would have made that big of difference. So good news about the morphology at least.

Now for the bad part that has me more confused. They found a lot of bacteria and WBC, abnormal color, appearance and liquification. I'm not at all concerned because DH was pretty sick last week and that's all evidence of an infection the body is fighting. The part that has me worried and confused is that count was back to 5mil/ml, which is pretty typical for DH. So I'm wondering if he's just back down now because this is the norm for him or if it was just low because he was sick. So do we do an IUI hoping its just cause he was sick or do we not do it because its probably just him getting back to his normal levels? Motility was 33%, which is also typical of him, he's usually in the 30s but it has helped to up his vitamin C. I'm feeling frustrated because I still don't know what we should do and I was really looking forward to trying an IUI again. We will definitely be doing one in January of next year but that seems so far away. This SA gave us no real answers. I wish we would have done an IUI in January of this year when DH's count was so much higher instead of listening to Dr. H and his whole IVF sales pitch. And then I wonder if DH's morph isn't that bad and his count was normal why didn't we get pg on our own? I'm not buying that DH's morph is normal just because this non-expert lab said so but I don't think its as bad as Dr. H says either.

Oh yeah and its Mother's Day tomorrow and I'm PMSing. The combination of all this makes for a great weekend. I'm not in the best mood. I put way too much of my heart into hoping for a successful IUI and now its not looking good and I'm sad. I was doing so well convincing myself I didn't care if I had a baby or not. I'm trying to shake this negative attitude but with Mother's Day tomorrow I'm having a hard time. I hate mother's day, just a yearly reminder that there is a special club I'll never be a member of. *sigh*

There is just one thought that's been bugging me. Last Sunday I was flipping though channels and there was one of those Sunday morning preachers on and I stopped for a second. Usually I'm skeptical and don't give them much credit but this one had my attention. He was talking about faith and when people say its "a sign from God" or "its not meant to be." He was making the point about how people give up at the littlest challenge and say "oh its not meant to be or God would have made it easier." Really got me thinking about my situation and how often I do that. He used the example of the men who were taking the crippled man to Jesus and lowered him through the roof because it was so crowded around Jesus that day. They didn't say "its too crowded, we can't get to Jesus, it must be a sign that your not meant to be healed." They had faith that if they could just get in the room with Jesus, the man would be healed and they fought and struggled with crowds and hoisting this man up to the roof and cutting a hole and lowering him down. That doesn't sound like an easy task. They didn't take their difficulties as a sign that it wasn't meant to be. But then I'm confused more because sometimes we do need to listen for God's voice telling us not to go forward, that he has a different path. And sometimes he tells us by making the path we want to take difficult. This Sunday morning TV preacher at least gave me something to think on this week. Unfortunately I haven't come to any conclusions either way.

Is my phone working?

Still no one has called with our SA results. I've been doing good so far, I rarely even think about it but everyday I try to be home by 5:00 to check the machine in case they left a message and I can call back. I'm tempted to call again but then I think the poor nurse doesn't want me to harass her. But then I think what do I care if she's annoyed with me, I'll likely not talk to her again and never actually meet her. I'll give them til Friday afternoon. She said sometime this week so by Friday afternoon its fair for me to call again. I'm frustrated with the timing of my cycle anyway becuase if everything stays on schedule and we do IUI it would be on the last day of preschool. Graduation day for our oldest class going off to school next fall. I absolutely can't miss that day. I doubt my RE would do an IUI in the afternoon for me. I'm praying AF will show early this month moving it up a few days, something I never ask for!