All this time I thought that I was healing emotionally. I was spending all this time with my niece and nephew and not feeling bitter, angry, jealous or overly negative about my situation. I really felt like I had accepted it and moved on. I wasn't even dreading the holidays. Until yesterday.....
We went out of town to see DH's family. His brother had a baby this summer but we hardly ever see them. When we did see them this summer I was completely okay and enjoyed meeting my new little niece. Yesterday on the way home I just started crying. DH's two cousins had their little baby girls there also and all the old feelings came back to me. I don't know if its my stress and frustration over possibly actively TTC again or what but I was so bitter and jealous all day. I cried for two hours all the way home. DH said he knew I was upset because I didn't hold or play with any of the babies all day. The pain I thought was healed hit me so hard and raw like it just happened, like the past two years of peace and joy were all just a dream. Two years ago about this time we were preparing for IVF. The IVF that led to losing our baby and with it the hopes of us ever having children. Somehow I found hope again the past two years and now with the holidays and possibly going back to the RE, I feel as though I am in the same hopeless broken place I was two years ago.
As broken as I was yesterday and despite all the tears my heart still whispered "don't lose faith, you will be a mother someday". I just know that is the truth, even when the future looks completely dark.
P.S. Mary, if your reading this I really missed you yesterday. The inlaws are so much more bearable with you there!
I just have to say that GOOD FOR YOU for being strong all this time. GOOD FOR YOU for not having those bitter irritating feelings that we have while fighting IF.... but DO NOT beat yourself up when you DO have those feelings because IF is a .... to deal with those crazy mixed up emotions that we suffer. I am an IF Grad and I still feel like I have to have another baby ...like I have to fight the good fight... like.... I'm jealous all the time of those with little ones. I know I am extremely grateful for what I do have, and I love being cheerleader now that we're done having babies, but I'm just trying to point out that even when you have those kids you fight for, those feelings are hard to escape. So as someone who fought the good fight for 15 years.... through 14 miscarriages and 4 miracles... I still stumble on those feelings once in awhile.
ReplyDeleteSo ... you may be beating yourself up, but... I say... GO YOU!!
ICLW