Ugh, really? again?

I found out today that another family friend is pregnant. I'm okay with that, I'm used to it by now and accepted it but here's the part that stings a little......she's pregnant with twin girls. DH and I have always dreamed of twin girls. Normally I'd be pretty hurt by this but its really this kind of thing that I've come to expect from my life. Its like being kicked when your down, like God is mocking me saying "hahaha, look at that! I gave someone else your heart's desire...again! Isn't it funny?! That oughta teach you". Now I know God is not like that, He is a loving God. I'm not saying He isn't doing this to me on purpose but its probably to teach me something or make me a better person, build character....you know some crap like that. But I'm just not in the mood for self improvement, I just don't even want to think about those things lately.

Moving Ahead

Well here I am a week after our failed IVF. Thank you all for your comments and support. I'm amazed at how much complete strangers can change things. I often wonder where DH and I would be in our infertility journey now if we didn't have access to the support and information available online.

AF has come and gone and I'm so relieved to have my body back under my own control and not the meds. I have not been a good wife to DH the past month and I'm ready to get back to normal. Really, my life is no different now than it was 3 months ago. I'm not really depressed but I don't have the same excitement for the future. I know what tomorrow will bring....same thing as yesterday. But that's okay, DH and I have a pretty good life together and a lot to be thankful for. I haven't blogged this past week because I just don't know what to say. Honestly I'm just not dwelling on our infertility enough to have anything to share about it. I'm not doing any soul searching, I'm not questioning God trying to figure out why I can't have a baby, I'm not asking my RE questions to figure out why this didn't work and where we go next. I'm not asking any questions at all because I already know there are no answers. I have no soul searching to do because it just seems like too much work that will only lead to confusion and heartache. I'm not questioning God because I know He will not give me any answers and I'm not questioning our RE because that door is firmly shut. After our first IVF almost worked, he told us our m/c was just a coincidence and with our situation we would most likely be successful with a second attempt. Well, he was wrong but at least now I can stop putting my hopes and dreams into IVF. No more wondering what would happen if we tried it one more time. I don't think I will ever set foot back into my RE's office. If I do, they should stamp me "hopeless case" and throw me out. Besides the fact that more IVF attempts would just be a huge waste of money, I'm starting to feel bad about creating life only to see it lost. We've sent 8 embies to heaven now and I feel responsible for that. True, they are much better off there than on this miserable planet but I still feel like maybe its time for me to leave the life creating up to the Creator Himself.

My head and my heart are conflicting lately. While I know God is faithful and loves me and has a plan, I just don't feel that way. What I believe and what I feel are opposite. I feel like God has forgotten me, not that He hates me or doesn't love me but just that He has forgotten and can't hear me. But in all honestly I don't do a lot of talking to Him anymore so I'm not surprised if He forgot about me. I believe He loves me, wants the best for me and knows the number of hairs on my head. I just don't feel that way. I also believe that He can and does do miracles, people who are told they will never have babies miraculously get pregnant all the time. But while I believe He can do a miracle like that for me, I don't believe He will. Sure miracles happen.....just not to me. I don't think that DH and I will ever have a family anymore. I always felt in my heart that we would but now I don't. But I think that's okay. DH and I are so comfortable in our selfish little world that I don't think we'd be good parents anyway.

As much as I have wanted to be stubborn and rebel and be angry against God, I just can't do it. I know the truth of who and what He is. I might be feeling hurt and disappointed but I can't ignore that He exists or that He is active in my life, just because He doesn't give me what I want. But I'm tired of trying to figure it out. I don't know what His plan is for me but if He wants me to do something He's going to have to make in painfully obvious because until I'm told otherwise I'm going to just keep waking up in the morning, going to work, and taking care of my DH. If I get to heaven someday and he says, "well Jen I'm disappointed, I had a plan for you to be/do something great but you wouldn't listen", all I can say is "yep, I'm disappointed too". But it is what it is. I feel so old, like my baby and family years have passed me by already. I'm not sure I even want a miraculous pregnancy when I'm 45, much less 100 like in the bible. I'm not even sure I want one when I'm 35.

I know this isn't a real positive post and I'm not exactly finding the joy in the storm. But I'm really not in a bad place about this. Yes, I'm disappointed but I'm putting my big girl panties on and moving on with my life. My life is no different than it was before, except I left my shattered dream of being a mommy behind and I'm still looking for a dream to replace it.

Beta In

It's negative. Just like I thought. I wish I could go back in time and make better decisions. The only thing I ever wanted to do was be a mommy. Now its pretty clear that its impossible. DH and I just can't make babies. All hope is gone. I always pick up the pieces and keep going. This time I'm not picking up the pieces, I'm just going to turn my back and walk away from our shattered dreams. But where am I headed now? What does my future look like without a family? What does God want me to do with my life since He won't let me be a mommy? I really hope the extent of His plan for me is not just selling stamps at the post office. I mean really, my life has got to have more purpose than that. I just have no idea what it is.

Beta Tomorrow

I'm getting up early tomorrow to get my beta drawn before work. I haven't peed on any more sticks but I still feel a negative coming. Right after the transfer I *felt* pregnant for a while. Like I just knew my little ones were in there and I felt a connection to them. That only lasted about a week. Now I don't feel pregnant at all. The hot flashes are not as bad but I am completely exhausted, not sleepy tired but just bodily tired. Besides making me so tired the PIO is becoming literally a pain in the ass. I'm getting the same itchy red bumps as I did last time. And it doesn't look good to be walking around scratching your butt all the time! Although I have no bruises this time thanks to my expert shot giver. I still have a tiny bit of hope, where it came from I don't know but I have a tiny bit of hope that my beta might be positive. But I'm afraid of low numbers and slow doubling rates like last time. I'd rather take a negative than have another miscarriage. There is no way I'll have a high number or else I would have gotten a positive HPT earlier this week. I have a long day at work tomorrow, I'm hoping if I'm mentally prepared for a negative I will be able to keep it together and not break down in tears until I get home.

BFN Again

I'm accepting my fate, no more POAS. I'm done. We're done.....with everything. DH and I are not meant to make babies, it just can not be done. Now I just wish Friday would hurry up and get here so I can get my beta results and stop the PIO and Vivelle patches. I told DH last night this cycle was a BFN. I just couldn't keep it from him, I needed him to be there for me. This is such a huge disappointment.

9dp3dt

Well I POAS this morning and after a very vivid dream where I clearly got a positive, I woke up to a very negative stark white test. I'm really devasted b/c I got my BFP on this day last time. I really thought this IVF was going to work for us. I know its early and things could still turn around but I'm just not feeling too good about it right now. I'm still having occasional killer cramps and the last two days have added in such hot flashes that I can not even sleep well at night because I keep waking up sweaty. Looks like I can thank the PIO and AF for that. I only have one more FRER test and an expired test left. I think I will use the expired one tomorrow just to satisfy my urge to pee on something and save the good one for Wednesday. If its not positive on Wednesday I think its safe to say this cycle was a huge failure and not pee on anymore sticks. Please say your prayers for us. If this turns out to be a BFN we're giving up on TTC. We've spent more money than we should and we are starting to feel like we just can't make babies no matter what we do. Its a really hard thing to get used to.

2ww Panic

Today I'm having my first wave of what I call the two week wait panic. What if this doesn't work?! So far I have been feeling really good physically and emotionally. Today not only I'm starting to worry this didn't work but the progesterone is catching up with me as well. I'm completely exhausted. The PIO is going suprisingly well. No sore bum, no bruises, no itchy rash.

I had some really sharp cramping a couple days earlier this week but now its back to just the usual pre-AF cramping. Nothing really different or special going on. Its a little discouraging and makes me feel like this cycle will end up like all the others before it. I know that doesn't mean anything and there is no way to know until I test. I was going to POAS Monday but the closer it gets the more afraid I get and I just might chicken out. My biggest concern though is how I will tell DH if its negative. He was perfectly happy to just move on and avoid revisting the hurt of a failed IVF. He only went along with this because he knew how much I wanted to do it. What was I thinking? I could have been happy continuing on with the way things were so that we could avoid another $10k worth of disappointment. But I'm talking myself into being negative. I need to stop and go back to thinking about this working. I need to go back to mentally planning my nursery and my life with babies. Being negative now will not do any good.

No Frosties :'(

I'm bummed but not surprised. From the beginning I have been trusting God to give us the right number of embryos and to take care of them according to His will. I guess this is it. No frosties for us, no second try if this cycle doesn't work out, done, over, that's it. I feel bad for the embies we lost. We've sent 6 little embies to heaven now and I'm praying these other two stick around in my belly for the next 9 months. Realistically I know that there could be a whole huge mess of disappointment in my near future. But I'm so positive about this cycle. I really think its going to work out for us. I've been really happy lately, even if these embies don't stick around I'm their mommy for now. They are tucked away nice and warm and loved and I have to cherish that right now. Last time it was all about waiting to see those two pink lines, this time I'm holding onto the joy of embies growing inside me as long as I can. This may be as close as I ever get to having our own babies. As the message board lingo goes, I'm PUPO -- Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. And that's how I'm gonna live the next two weeks.

Its Finally Over!

Embryo transfer complete. The stress of drugs and appointments is over. Now I just sit back, relax and get knocked up. I pray its that easy. Today we did a day 3 transfer of an 8A (perfect!) and an 8B (still pretty good!). Last time we transfered on day 3 an 8B and 6B, so we're doing better than last time and look how close we came last time. My RE wasn't there but I liked his fill in RE too. He assured us that our blighted ovum was likely a random event and our chances are not increased this time. I'm feeling very hopeful for this. Afterwards I said to DH, "oh crap, what if we really have a baby this time?!" It has become so much about the process that I seldom even consider the end goal. A take home baby...wow...I still can't imagine that would actually happen to us. I've seen so many of my online friends move on to pregnancy and babies after infertility that I really feel like I'm the last one left and my time will never come. So if this is it, I'm sorry for my readers who feel left behind, I totally know the feeling. If this isn't it.....well that's just going to really suck! We are watching our remaining 3 embies for freeze. I doubt they will make it but I'm hoping. They were 6B, 6C and 4C.

I went to acupuncture last night and again after the transfer this morning. She only did 4 points today, one on each hand and one on each leg. That doesn't seem like much. I know its not necessarily the more the needles the better and I totally trust her but only four? Well what do I know? I'm suppose to be on bedrest today and tomorrow. I've been on the couch all afternoon but tonight we have to babysit my niece and nephew for a few hours. I don't think that counts as bed rest but I plan on taking it easy and making DH do all the work. Tomorrow I should be able to chill at home all day.

Beta is scheduled for March 18. That's 14dp3dt or 17dpo. I'm not suppose to cheat and take a test at home. Yeah right! If they are going to make me wait that long I'm totally gonna cheat. I'll be POAS by 9dp3dt for sure! Please pray for our two little embies, that they are snuggling in tight for the next nine months!

Fertilization Report

I'm a little bummed about it. Out of our 13 eggs we have 5 embryos currently growing. 2 eggs were immature, 3 didn't fertilize normally, and 3 had no genetic material in them. What the heck does that mean? Did I just make that many bad eggs? So now I'm feeling like this will never work and like DH and I just can't mix our DNA to make babies. But then I remember that I prayed for just the right number of embryos and maybe this is it. Maybe this is just my prayers being answered and I have to have faith. This is to be my new motto, "You just have to have faith".

I'm two years older and wiser than when we did our first IVF and I can't get over how dumb we were. We limited fertilization to 4 eggs and ended up with 3 embryos, one of which was dying by our 3 day transfer. An impending sign of what the other two would soon do also. I can't believe we risked so much money and emotional havoc on 3 little embryos. I guess maybe we had faith that God would give us our babies on the first try. Now I'm afraid our 5 little embies this time share the same fate. But I can't think like that, I have to be positive. People with issues far worse than ours still have babies. This whole cycle I've been too busy with work and life to really think about what we're doing. When I have thought about it I don't know what to think so I just go back to not thinking about it. But I'm a little freaked out now, thinking what if we didn't think and pray about it long enough, what if we rushed this decision and wasted a ton of money? We are paying for all of this out of pocket and its going to make things tight for a while til we get our bank account built back up again. I'm so scared this won't work. I'm suddenly remembering last time and how painful miscarriage after IVF was both emotionally and physically. I swore I would never put myself through it again but here I am. How the heck did I get here again? What was I thinking? There was one monitoring appointment where I practically starting bawling and told them to forget it, I wanted to quit. I had that same feeling on the way to the retrieval yesterday. Then I tell myself to put on my big girl panties and do what I gotta do. While I'm still not feeling positive I've got little embies growing and they need me to give them a chance at life. I want to finish this now, no matter how it turns out. Whether right or wrong the decision has been made and I have to follow through. There is nothing we are facing this time that we didn't already survive once so I'm sure it will all work out. I just have to have faith. We came so close last time with only 3 embryos, maybe we'll get our take home baby this time, maybe just maybe this will be it.

They scheduled me for a 3 day transfer since we have only a few embryos. I'm going to acupuncture Friday night and again after my transfer Saturday. I don't know if it does much good but it seemed to help last time. Maybe it will at least make me feel better since my retrieval yesterday. I'm no wimp when it comes to pain but I could hardly walk yesterday. Still a lot of discomfort today but at least I can move around and I went to work.

I just have to have faith, I just have to have faith.......

Egg Retrieval Done!

We got 13 eggs and I think that's a good number. Not too many, not to few. Here is the awesome news, DH's morph was 4% today! He's never been above 2% before so I feel so much more hopeful about our embryos doing well this time. I feel more crampy and uncomfortable today than last time but I think that's expected since we got more eggs. I've been having a lot of mixed feelings about this cycle but right now I'm feeling pretty positive and hopeful. Now we wait for the fertilization report tomorrow!