Our secret is out

DH and I have always been private people, especially when its come to our journey to have a family.  A few reasons being that I don't consider my reproductive organs or sex life anyone's business, how and when we build our family is a personal decision and my grandma goes to coffee in our small little town which is gossip central and she can not under any circumstances keep a secret.  The main reason I've wanted to keep our adoption a secret is because I'm still afraid of failure.  I do have confidence in our agency and in this match being successful but there is always a chance that it won't.  When we did our first IVF we told everyone we were doing it.  So of course everyone wanted to know if it was successful and we couldn't lie so we told them it was.  Everyone was so excited and a couple weeks later we had to tell them that we lost the baby.  It is one thing to suffer that loss privately but for me it was worse that our family knew.  For some people that extra support might be helpful but to me it felt like I was a failure and like it was my fault they were all disappointed.  This is so much bigger because our whole church, everyone at work, all our family and all our friends know about our plans to bring a baby home in a few weeks.  I can't imagine disappointing them all with a failed adoption, even though I understand its not my fault. 

This weekend our  little town had a big celebration and while at this celebration my grandma deliberatly let it slip to people who didn't already know that we're bringing our baby home in a month.  She waited until we had gone home.   I'm pretty mad about it.  Its not like its still a secret but I'm still trying to limit the speed at which this gossip was traveling. What I'm mostly upset about was that she told someone special to me that I was waiting to tell myself.  I just haven't seen this person in a quiet setting for a while.  I know she's excited but its not her news to share, its my announcement and I should decide who and when to share it with the world. 

At first when telling people I felt so excited immediately followed by regret, thinking how painful it will be to disappoint these people if it didn't work out.  Now I'm past that regret but I still don't feel real comfortable with everyone's happiness for us.  How wrong is that?  I feel like there is always that pity there because we couldn't have bio children or like they think this adoption was our second choice.  Everyone says "oh you must be so happy, you guys have waited so long, you'll be great parents".  I'm not sure if I'm paranoid and reading into it or if I'm sensing that people are really thinking about our infertility.  I already feel  like a mother bear to our little baby and like I should attack anyone who even suggests he is second best.  I have to confess that I have even asked God not to let me get pregnant - ever.  I may have taken a while to come around to adoption but my heart is all in it now, it is not second best or my second choice or something I have to do to grow our family.  This is how I want my family to be built, I just didn't know it.  I don't want a copy of DH and me, I want everyone in our little family to bring something different to the table that will strengthen and grow everyone else.  Different genetics, different looks, different personalities, different likes and dislikes, different perspectives and what ever other joys our children will bring.   Not that we wouldn't welcome and a love a bio child, but I kinda wish I could undo all those years of praying I would get pregnant, I'm sort of afraid God might answer that prayer now that I've changed my mind about what I want.  So I'll leave it up to Him, obviously He knows better than me.  So glad I listened when he called me to adoption.  One more quick fun fact - Last November is when I had a change of heart about adoption, practically over night.  Last November is also when our little baby was conceived (I did a reverse due date calculator).  I really feel like God woke me up to adoption and said "hey Jen, your baby is on its way so you better get your act together!"  His timing is always perfect!  When we first applied I told DH and our SW that I felt like our baby was already on its way, they laughed and told me not to get my hopes up too high.  DH said the same when I started buying baby stuff right away.   How awesome is our God's timing?  So happy to have Him in my life!