Reality

How has it been over two weeks since my last post?  I can't believe J is almost a month old already.  Most new mom's will post about how much they love their child and how being a parent is so amazing and maybe that's true for them.  Don't judge but I'm gonna be real here.  Life is so different and its definitely been hard to adjust.  I think that the this would have been much easier years ago.  I think couples need some time together after they are married before having kids right away but 8 years is way too long.  We are too set in our routine and our life together.  Its been a really hard change for me to make.  Although I'm surprised at how little sleep I can function on and what a huge difference an hour nap can make.  But I struggle with patience.  I feel like being a mom comes naturally as far as caring for J and his needs but to be totally honest, love and patience are not coming easy.  I know this may sound bad but I haven't loved J as instantly and intensely as I expected to.  Don't misunderstand - I do love him but there have been nights where he's been fussy and I've thought that maybe I'm just not good at this or maybe we should have just lived child free.  And maybe if the bparents changed their minds and wanted him back I would be okay with it.  Wow, I feel guilty just admitting that.  I've read about bonding and adoption issues but I didn't realize it was so real.  I keep thinking if I had given birth and had hormones running through me that bonding would be easier.  I've always loved babies but J came into our house and totally disrupted my life in a way that I knew I should expect but didn't quite realize.  This week has been better now that I'm accepting my new life and and getting to know J better.  I don't really want to give him back, I really do love him and want to keep him in our family.  Its just taking more time that I thought.  I guess cause I read all these blogs about women who have children after infertility or adopt and they all say its the greatest thing ever and so worth everything.   I feel so guilty for not being immensely happy or overjoyed with my new motherhood.  Let me be the first to say that its not all that great at first for everyone.  Sometimes it takes time to bond with a new little one and going from working 8 hours a day and then having free time in the evening and weekends to just working full time around the clock according to someone else's needs.....its just not that easy.   But this is still what I want, I just need to get over my selfishness. 

I keep thinking that maybe another part of the reason I haven't been able to bond with J as much as I thought I would is because bmom is still very present in our life.  In the past month, only one day has passed when she did not text me several times a day.  I love bmom but its like she is constantly reminding me that she is J's mom, not me.  I know its not her intention but it makes me feel like I'm still just babysitting someone else's child.  We had originally planned our first visit to be 3 weeks after J's birth when DH and I would be in their city for a wedding.  But bmom was having a hard time and so I offered to meet sooner if she thought it would help.  So when J was 10 days old we met them half way and spent the day together.  Everyone wonders what our meetings are like and I say its just like hanging out with friends.  No one understands how that can be in a situation like this but its true.  Even if J wasn't there we could still hang out and have fun together.  We couldn't have asked for better bparents.  The difference right now is that she needs lots of contact to heal and move on and I need space to bond and form our new family.  After our first visit she started texting me less.  Still every day but often only one or two texts instead of several or all day long.  Even though she said she cried all the way home and it was still really hard, I think it helped.  I've read other bmoms write that after the first visit the child they start to see the child more as the adoptive couple's child and less like their own.  We saw them again this past weekend when we went to the wedding.  Again it was just like hanging out with friends, we're so comfortable together.  However, as J is growing and his needs are changing I can see how bmom doesn't really know how to meet his needs.  In the hospital he was so easy because all he did was eat, then sleep.  Now he's awake more, he is having lots of gas problems which make him fussy and he often fights falling asleep when he's tired.  Normal baby stuff but to someone who doesn't know what that he likes his little bottom patted, likes to be held a certain way or bounced in a certain way, it can be frustrating.  And as his mommy I do know what he likes but I'm  not sure if I should sound bossy by telling her how to hold him and what to do or if I should just let her do her own thing with him.  But I found it very frustrating because she would always say he needs to eat and then feed him an ounce and let him fall asleep.  I don't want a snacker baby who needs to eat every hour and she wasted a lot of formula - very frustrating because J is on Nutramigen, one of the most expensive out there.  But I was so afraid of offending her and sounding bossy that I didn't say anything.  It was only for one night.  After we got home yesterday she texted me how good it was to see us and that they are so thankful that they can be part of our family.  I was surprised she said "our" family,  it made it seem like she is starting to see J as ours.  Which helps me to see things that way too. 

I know this post sounds negative.  I do love J and things are getting better.  But adoption is complicated.  I guess I always thought that once we brought our son home that parenthood would be everything I imagined and its very different.  But even on the hard days I know this is the plan God has for us, I have never doubted that.  So I just have to trust Him and know that this is what is best for me.