A Better Me, A Better Mommy

In a recent post I wrote about becoming a new version of the old me.  And if your a long term follower you'll know that I'm always trying to lose weight and get fit and I always lose motivation faster that I do weight.  When J started eating table food I realized that I had to get committed and be serious about it for real this time, as a lifestyle change not a short term weight loss goal.  I'm not sure how much I believe that obesity is genetic vs poor lifestyle choices but J's bmom is bigger and so is her sister.   There is nothing wrong with a healthy chubby baby but a chubby 6 year old is not healthy.  So whether or not he's inherited big genetics from his birthfamily, we definitely don't need to be adding poor lifestyle choices to it.  We need to be the example.  The best way to make him eat his vegetables and play active games outside is to show him that's what mommy and daddy do.  Although J does still watch more tv with daddy than I would like, we're working on that. 

I've always been the kinda girl that thinks I have to go to the gym to get a good workout.  I've tried doing stuff at home but other than a run with the dogs I've always lost motivation.  When we brought J home that was the end of my gym membership.  Even if I had the time to go to the gym, no way did I have the energy.  I had the Insanity DVDs from a friend and never used them.  So in January  my New Year's resolution was do to the first 30 days of the program.  All 6 days of the week for 4 weeks, doesn't sound so bad right?  Well it was brutal but I did it!  Then I decided to keep going and do the entire 60 day program and I'm proud to say I did it!  Lost 14 lbs and gained muscles I didn't know I had.  All the crunches and gym exercises in the world never gave me core muscles like I have now, even when I was at my lowest weight ever I didn't have these muscles.  Turns out I love doing home workouts!  Did I mention how much easier it is to chase and carry around a 9 month old when your in shape?!   Now I'm doing the Turbofire program which is way more fun than Insanity but I'm not losing weight as fast and I have a long way to go yet.  But I'm not discouraged, its a lifestyle change and not all about being skinnier.  I'm so much happier and have so much more energy and patience for J when I get a good sweat every day. 

I've also been drinking Shakeology, which is a health shake made by the creators of the Insanity and Turbofire workouts.  I didn't love the taste at first but its definitely grown on me and now I love it!  It has all the vitamins and nutrients I need and covers all my servings of fruits and veggies so everything else I eat is just a bonus.  I'm a huge fan of Beachbody products.  I generally think anything on an infomercial is a scam but Beachbody lays everything out there for you and if you follow their program and nutrition guide, you'll get the results they promise.  And there is a money back guarantee on all their products, even if you use them. 

I signed up to be a coach so I can help others and get the awesome discounts.  So if anyone is interested check out my website, www.beachbodycoach.com/jenlindsey or the Shakeology site www.myshakeology.com/jenlindsey. 

I'm giving out free Shakeology samples, so if you want one, email me your address:  behealthybehappy@outlook.com

Shaking Off That Mommy Feeling

Today is our 9 year wedding anniversary.  I can't believe all that has changed from the person I was 9 years ago.  And if you had told me I'd be married for 9 years before becoming a mom I probably would have cried.  I'm so glad God doesn't show us our future, really its better left a mystery.  We celebrated our anniversary last weekend by renting a hotel room about an hour from home and leaving J with his aunt for his first ever sleep over.  He was an angel, apparently didn't miss me at all!  He even slept all night for them.  I had a hard time leaving but once we got away I forgot about it and had a nice night.  When we were driving to the hotel, it just didn't feel right to leave the dogs and our baby with someone else and go away alone.  I felt guilty, I felt like it wasn't worth it and I just couldn't shake the feeling that I was missing something.  When we got to the hotel I sat next to DH and said "now what?  its weird just the two of us".  But we found stuff to do ;)  We went to dinner at a new place, relaxed in the hotel hot tub, and had a few drinks and dancing at the nightclub next to our hotel.  We enjoyed our night away and it was good for J too.  I want him to be the kind of kid that is happy to stay at grandma's house or auntie's house and not cry for mommy all night.  Everyone always comments how good he is and DH said to my mom that maybe Jen is doing something right and my mom says no you guys just got blessed with a really good baby.  Really, my own mother can't even give me any credit?  Funny how when kids behave badly parents get all the blame but when you have a good kid, your just lucky!

Let's Try This Again

I have so much good intention of keeping this blog updated, even if no one reads it, its good for me to write down my feelings.  I should have blogged more last fall about my struggle to become mommy.  Even if the mothering part comes natural I think it takes everyone time to change into that role in their own minds.  It wasn't easy to make the overnight change from the infertile wife with babies in heaven to the infertile wife with a real live baby to be mommy to.  With the stress and exhaustion of having a newborn to care for with a husband always at work, I got sort of lost.  I didn't feel like mom yet but I was responsible for a child and no longer felt young and carefree either.  Trying to find myself and adjust to my new future wasn't easy.  I did some dumb things, I put added strain on our marriage and I looked for answers in the wrong place.  Spending my time in church caring for J and not listening didn't help either at time when I needed to be closer to God and rely on my faith.  But now that I feel like I'm back to being a new version of the old me, I can see that God has used that to help me and my relationship with DH grow in a way I didn't expect, just like He always does with challenges in my life.  J is almost 9 months old and we are all in such a good place.  He is so much fun at this age, I'm well adjusted to being his mommy and love him more than I thought I could. 

 

So here's what else has been going on the last few months...... We've been to two speaking events about adoption.  The first was a training at our agency and we spoke to other adoptive couples just beginning their journey.  It was almost one year to the day that I was sitting in that same training just starting our journey.  I never would have imagined that a year later I would be standing up front with my six month old sharing our story.  The second event was at a crisis pregnancy center adoption night.  They had a rep from another agency, a lawyer, an adult adoptee and us.  We spoke about our open adoption experience and what our relationship with the birthparents is like.  I was nervous about this one, even though we weren't there to convince anyone to choose adoption.  Of course no one heard what I said because J was giggling and smiling at everyone, he totally stole the show!  Given my bitterness towards pregnant women (more on that in a second), I was surprised that I just felt an overwhelming love for these young women.  They have chosen to give their babies life despite difficult circumstances, even if they choose to parent instead of adoption.  I can't explain why I felt the way I did around them but it had to be a God thing.  I don't really feel like I made a difference in anything I said but I know God put us there for a reason that night and I may never know whether I had any impact on anyone.  Or the reason we were there could have been for us to meet the lawyer.  We talked to her for a while after and she convinced me to go the private route when we adopt our next child.  I'm glad we went with the agency the first time but if we can save $10k next time, we're willing to try going through the lawyer.  She said that we can say how much we are willing to spend and they will not present us to situations that would cost more.  And even though they are part of a nationwide network we can choose to only adopt locally if we want.  I thought if we went privately that we'd have to find our own birthmom but they take profile books to show to the birthmoms that get referred to them through doctors and places like this crisis pregnancy center. 

I can honestly say that I have no desire to get pregnant or ever carry my own child.  I'm convinced that adoption is the best way to go.  I really thought I was over my bitterness towards pregnant women, especially now that I have my own baby, after all that was the goal right?  But I will always carry the hurt of our infertility struggles, the loss of our baby by miscarriage and I'll always be a little bitter towards women who can conceive just because I'm jealous they can do something I can't.  Even though its not something I want to do anymore.  I know, real mature right?  It was around Valentine's Day several years ago when we found out that we were pregnant after IVF.  So every Valentine's Day I think about that and I think about our baby and the long and difficult time I had with the following miscarriage.  I also think about our baby every October because that's when my due date would have been.  Its just something that people who have lost babies remember, it might not always be a memory that I cry over but its something I always think about.  Well this Valentine's Day the last of my friends without kids announced that they were expecting.  Which I could have handled even though it was a total surprise since they had just lied to me and said they were still trying and not having any luck.  But she announced it by texting an ultrasound picture the night before Valentine's Day.  I was already thinking about our own loss and then I got an ultrasound picture of someone else's healthy baby reminding me of the day we went for our first ultrasound and were told that our baby had stopped developing and that we weren't going to have a baby after all.  Every woman's worst nightmare, even worse after all we had gone through to get that far.  So I cried... a lot.  Thank God it was a text and I could easily respond a nice congrats while tears were streaming down my face.   I may be healed enough to accept others pregnancy announcements but ultrasound pictures are still a painful knife to the heart.  The timing on this announcement could not have been worse.  When DH got home he asked why I was crying since I don't want to be pregnant anyway.  I don't know, I thought I was past that too, I mean we have our child, what's my problem?!  I think maybe I'm just jealous that they get to experience a joy and anticipation I will never get.  With J we were never sure enough that we'd get to keep him to be that excited and announce it to everyone.  Even after we brought him home there was always the chance that he'd get taken away.  Now I'm still having a hard time being friendly to this friend.  And my SIL is trying for their third child.  I'm not past my infertility, probably never will be. 

There are some things in this life that we can't fix and just have to live with.  There are mistakes, feelings, pain and sins that we can't undo or make go away.   We have to find a way to live with them and carry on.   I wish we could all live perfect happy lives but then how shallow would we be?  The most meaningful people in my life that I couldn't do without are the ones that are broken and walked through some pretty dark places.  Those people have such a deeper understanding of life, who they are and their faith.   I can't imagine how people who don't have the comfort of knowing Jesus live with themselves.   He paid for my mistakes and my sins with His life so that I can be forgiven.  The scars of past hurts will always be there but without the Healer I would never be able to get out of bed each morning and start a new day.  There are so many things to be thankful for and He has blessed me with such amazing friends and family. 

Thank you Lord for the dark places, for breaking me and putting me back together, for showing me the depth of my sinfulness and for making me realize how badly I need Your Son and just how important it was that He hung on the cross for my sins. 

Its Official!

James Aaron is officially ours, we had our court hearing this morning for the finalization.  Now I can post pics of him online, no more agency rules to follow!  Here are a few from the past 5 months, I can't believe how fast that time has gone by! 

Coming Soon....

Where as the time gone, have I really not updated this blog since J was 7 weeks old?!  Finalization is Monday so J will officially be introduced to the blogging world soon.  He's already been on facebook although it is technically against our agency rules.  I know some people make a big deal about the court date that finalizes it all but while I'm excited to have it all done with and official, it kinda feels like just another step in the process.  I have never been worried that J wouldn't be ours forever.  Some of our family is excited and feel like they can finally relax but they don't know J and A like we do.  We had another visit around Thanksgiving.  Hopefully I can get back to posting regularly but don't hold me to it, I said "hopefully" :) 

7 Weeks

J is 7 weeks old now and I'm finally getting used to being his mommy.  We have definitely been bonding the last couple weeks.  We have left him with relatives for a few hours here and there from the start but this weekend was the first time I actually was sad to leave him and missed him while DH and I were out.  I'm being much more patient during his crabby times and he's having less of them as I get better at anticipating his needs.  I don't have a lot of time to reflect on things like I did before him but I have occasional moments when I can't believe after all our years of infertility that this is the amazing little boy God wanted me to have.  I think its a lot like marrying DH.  On our wedding day someone said to me that I was the calmest bride they had ever seen.  That's because I knew without a doubt that DH was the man God wanted me to marry.  Even in the rough times after we were first married, I may have been mad at DH and wished I wasn't married to him but I never doubted that I was exactly where God wanted me to be, which left me no options other than working it out and changing my own attitude and bad habits.  I know without a doubt that J is the child God meant for us to have, even when I'm frustrated and in tears myself while J is screaming his sweet little head off.  Its not easy but I know I'm right where God wants me to be.

I haven't really written much about J yet but he really is a good baby.  We have done a bedtime routine from the beginning and he is very consistent now.  Around 7pm we put his pjs on, go to his nursery, turn the music on and have a bottle.  At first I was insistent that he sleep in his crib and we were using the rock n play for naps during the day.  Our bedtime routine was taking hours and by the time he'd finally be out for the night we were both exhausted.  So I gave in and let him sleep in the rock n play but now its only for night and he doesn't take naps in it during the day.  I realize that I cause a lot of my own problems by my own self imposed rules but I feel like it will pay off later.  We only use his room upstairs at night and I think it has helped him to associate it with bedtime because he has never seemed to have his days and nights mixed up.  Now he takes naps downstairs in the pack n play, on the floor, in the swing, on the couch or in the bouncy.  His daytime naps are a lot shorter than they were when he was napping in the rock n play but at least now our bedtime routine is only 1/2 hour instead of 5 hours.  I know a lot of people keep their kids up late but early bedtime is my sanity saver.  Once J is out for the night he doesn't wake up until midnight so I can get some work done, go to bed early or even watch a movie with DH.  I usually go to bed early and DH does the midnight feeding.  Occasionally he will sleep from 7pm-2am.   He's pretty consistent though and usually wakes at 12am, 3am, 5am and is up for the day with DH at 7am.  Even though I'm still getting up with him a lot he always eats and goes right back to sleep and I'm snuggled back in my bed within 1/2 hour. 

We've had a lot of trouble finding a formula that agrees with him.  He has so much gas and has from the start.  When he came home from the hospital he was on Similac Sensitive but that made him constipated.  Our pedi said to give him corn syrup twice a day.  That helped him to go but I did not want to have my 2 week old baby hopped up on sugar.  I asked if I should switch formula and they said no just keep up with the corn syrup for a week and then call them back if he wasn't better.  But I tried switching to enfamil newborn anyway.  This made him more regular but he was still having really bad gas pains all the time.  I never did call our pedi back.  Instead I took him to see our chiropractor.  We met her because she actually works on animals also and we take our older dog to see her.  She showed me how to do a tummy massage that literally deflates him instantly.  She also suggested holding him to my chest and bouncing on an exercise ball.  I'd never heard of this but it has been our lifesaver!  If he is gassy we bounce for a few minutes, then I burp him and repeat.  If he doesn't burp and is just fussy, I cradle him while bouncing and he is always out within 15 minutes, never fails!  And its a good core workout for me :)  Our chiro also said that I should put him on Nutramigen by enfamil and he improved instantly.  But its super expensive and after a few weeks as he ate more we decided we just can't afford to keep him on it.  So we started mixing it with Enfamil Gentlease and that's been working well for us.  He's on his last can of Nutramigen and then will just be on the Gentlease.  I plan on eventually switching him Enfamil Infant as he gets older and his tummy can digest it better. 

Another thing we love is our moby wrap.  He likes the stroller and car rides too but loves the moby the most.  We take the dogs for a walk everyday.  Having him in the moby frees up both hands so I can walk both dogs.  People probably laugh and say I have my hands full walking with a baby and two big dogs but we manage.  For my sanity we need to get out of the house.  We have walked up to 3 miles at a time.  When its super hot outside we walk on the treadmill.  A little exercise goes a long way for me, I go crazy and get depressed if I just sit around the house all day.   

He is smiling a lot at random times and I think he's starting to smile at us.  Its still hard to say if its in response to us or if its just cause we're right there while he's happy.   But he's adorable when he's happy and when he's sleeping.  Not so adorable when he's screaming but we love him anyway.  It is getting easier as we all adjust to each other.  Bmom still texts me a lot although its not every day anymore.  Sometimes I don't respond to her.  I feel bad but I just need to bond with J without bmom in my head all the time.  We love her and she will always be part of our family but its hard to think of J as mine when she is always texting and asking for pictures or asking how "her" little boy is doing.  I am looking forward to seeing them again but I don't feel like I'm ready yet.  Its been about a month since we had our last visit.  They are talking about coming here next visit.  In some ways I don't mind having them here since they are good friends but at the same time it feels like they would be intruding on our family in a way that I'm not ready for.  Like I said, I'm still trying to wrap my head around our new little family of 3 and with bmom and bdad always inserting themselves, it gets confusing.  I'm happy we have an open adoption and wouldn't want it any other way but at this point I still just feel like I need some space from them.  We will probably visit them early November and if they don't come here before that I would be okay with it.  But I could never say that to them.  I can see ways that she is moving on and healing so I think it will get easier for all of us as time goes by. 

I can't wait to post pictures on here!  We have to wait until finalization which will happen the end of October.  I still have not had any professional pictures taken but I'm trying to set that up to happen soon.  I want to do it before he gets too much bigger.  I also love how everyone takes pictures of their little one each month with a onesie or sign that says how old they are.  I've not found time to do that and now I feel like since I didn't do it from the beginning I don't want to start now.  Oh well, we still have lots of cute pictures. 

Reality

How has it been over two weeks since my last post?  I can't believe J is almost a month old already.  Most new mom's will post about how much they love their child and how being a parent is so amazing and maybe that's true for them.  Don't judge but I'm gonna be real here.  Life is so different and its definitely been hard to adjust.  I think that the this would have been much easier years ago.  I think couples need some time together after they are married before having kids right away but 8 years is way too long.  We are too set in our routine and our life together.  Its been a really hard change for me to make.  Although I'm surprised at how little sleep I can function on and what a huge difference an hour nap can make.  But I struggle with patience.  I feel like being a mom comes naturally as far as caring for J and his needs but to be totally honest, love and patience are not coming easy.  I know this may sound bad but I haven't loved J as instantly and intensely as I expected to.  Don't misunderstand - I do love him but there have been nights where he's been fussy and I've thought that maybe I'm just not good at this or maybe we should have just lived child free.  And maybe if the bparents changed their minds and wanted him back I would be okay with it.  Wow, I feel guilty just admitting that.  I've read about bonding and adoption issues but I didn't realize it was so real.  I keep thinking if I had given birth and had hormones running through me that bonding would be easier.  I've always loved babies but J came into our house and totally disrupted my life in a way that I knew I should expect but didn't quite realize.  This week has been better now that I'm accepting my new life and and getting to know J better.  I don't really want to give him back, I really do love him and want to keep him in our family.  Its just taking more time that I thought.  I guess cause I read all these blogs about women who have children after infertility or adopt and they all say its the greatest thing ever and so worth everything.   I feel so guilty for not being immensely happy or overjoyed with my new motherhood.  Let me be the first to say that its not all that great at first for everyone.  Sometimes it takes time to bond with a new little one and going from working 8 hours a day and then having free time in the evening and weekends to just working full time around the clock according to someone else's needs.....its just not that easy.   But this is still what I want, I just need to get over my selfishness. 

I keep thinking that maybe another part of the reason I haven't been able to bond with J as much as I thought I would is because bmom is still very present in our life.  In the past month, only one day has passed when she did not text me several times a day.  I love bmom but its like she is constantly reminding me that she is J's mom, not me.  I know its not her intention but it makes me feel like I'm still just babysitting someone else's child.  We had originally planned our first visit to be 3 weeks after J's birth when DH and I would be in their city for a wedding.  But bmom was having a hard time and so I offered to meet sooner if she thought it would help.  So when J was 10 days old we met them half way and spent the day together.  Everyone wonders what our meetings are like and I say its just like hanging out with friends.  No one understands how that can be in a situation like this but its true.  Even if J wasn't there we could still hang out and have fun together.  We couldn't have asked for better bparents.  The difference right now is that she needs lots of contact to heal and move on and I need space to bond and form our new family.  After our first visit she started texting me less.  Still every day but often only one or two texts instead of several or all day long.  Even though she said she cried all the way home and it was still really hard, I think it helped.  I've read other bmoms write that after the first visit the child they start to see the child more as the adoptive couple's child and less like their own.  We saw them again this past weekend when we went to the wedding.  Again it was just like hanging out with friends, we're so comfortable together.  However, as J is growing and his needs are changing I can see how bmom doesn't really know how to meet his needs.  In the hospital he was so easy because all he did was eat, then sleep.  Now he's awake more, he is having lots of gas problems which make him fussy and he often fights falling asleep when he's tired.  Normal baby stuff but to someone who doesn't know what that he likes his little bottom patted, likes to be held a certain way or bounced in a certain way, it can be frustrating.  And as his mommy I do know what he likes but I'm  not sure if I should sound bossy by telling her how to hold him and what to do or if I should just let her do her own thing with him.  But I found it very frustrating because she would always say he needs to eat and then feed him an ounce and let him fall asleep.  I don't want a snacker baby who needs to eat every hour and she wasted a lot of formula - very frustrating because J is on Nutramigen, one of the most expensive out there.  But I was so afraid of offending her and sounding bossy that I didn't say anything.  It was only for one night.  After we got home yesterday she texted me how good it was to see us and that they are so thankful that they can be part of our family.  I was surprised she said "our" family,  it made it seem like she is starting to see J as ours.  Which helps me to see things that way too. 

I know this post sounds negative.  I do love J and things are getting better.  But adoption is complicated.  I guess I always thought that once we brought our son home that parenthood would be everything I imagined and its very different.  But even on the hard days I know this is the plan God has for us, I have never doubted that.  So I just have to trust Him and know that this is what is best for me.