I always thought that getting to the other side of infertility meant I would have a baby. Now I feel like I'm on the other side even though my arms are still empty. Its a weird place to be. I can't really relate to those who have babies but yet I no longer relate to those going through treatments and struggling with their infertility. Although I understand the pain I just don't connect with it anymore. I feel my world has become smaller because now I'm in a small group of complete as two, yet at the same time I feel so much more freedom. Freedom to openly love my niece and nephew without jealousy, freedom to say with sincerity we are no longer seeking children to fulfill us, freedom to plan my time and schedule as I choose and not depending on my cycle and the freedom to enjoy life without feeling like something is missing. Infertility does not define who I am anymore. I honestly feel like infertility is behind me. A year ago I would have despaired over accepting a childless life, now I'm embracing it.
I understand if I lose followers because I may be hard to relate to now days. I have to confess that I stop reading blogs when someone achieves pregnancy. Even those I've been following for a long time. While I'm happy for them, its just too hard to keep reading. I'm just not strong enough yet to read about someone else's pregnancy without letting jealousy over take me. My progress with my SIL is huge for me right now. We just went on a 4 day vacation with my family. I held my niece for hours every day we were gone and I'm so in love. She may not be mine but I've bonded with her in a way I never did the daycare kids. When we got home I actually missed having her around. Times like those I realize my desire to be a mommy is not gone and I've not given up. I've just accepted that I have time to wait. Time to wait for God to fulfill his plan for me. Time to enjoy what He's given me today and trusting that He will give me what I need when the time is right. Patiently waiting is not as hard as it used to be. I'm so happy with my new job right now that I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I was led here very specifically by God's guiding hand. I've wanted this job for 5 years, I never really pursued it but God has provided. His hand has been so clear the whole time, slow though it may have seemed. I may not know why but I'm very content to enjoy what I have and waiting for whatever He has in store. I know it will be worth the wait. I'm coming to understand just how slow God's timing is by our standards but just right by His. I still think He will give us a baby someday. I'm not always sure that's what I want anymore which is all the more reason to put it in His hands. So "While I'm Waiting" I will worship, I will praise, I will sing, I will dance, I will rejoice, I may cry, I might get jealous sometimes, my heart might break, we may have trials and my cup may runeth over but the important part is that while I'm waiting I will rejoice in the blessings AND sorrows I have today and tomorrow I will wake up and do the same; the next day I will do the same thing until one day I wake up with the Lord himself and on that day I will finally have what we are all waiting for.
Tonight at Joppa, our speaker spoke partly on Hebrews 11 and partly on being a people who live desperately for Jesus. As I was reading your post, a part of Hebrews 11 jumped out at me:
ReplyDelete"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance. And they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them." -Hebrews 11:13-16.
I appreciate your openness and honesty, Jen. All the while working with you at the daycare, I had no idea you were struggling so much with all of this. You are strong...perhaps stronger than you know. I can clearly see God working in every aspect of your life. "So we fix our eyes on Jesus, the Author and Perfector of our faith..."
You are amazing! :)