The Moment I Have NOT Been Waiting For....

....has arrived. My SIL is going to the hospital tonight and by noon tomorrow the first grand-daughter will be here and she won't be mine. So far I'm doing okay and trying to be strong. I'm still convinced I don't want kids but as soon as I hold her, I'll remember that I do want a little girl more than anything and my heart will break. DH's brother is about to have a baby girl too and the other night I got really upset (PMS most likely) and just started bawling. When DH was trying to talk to me and make me feel better I said "I don't want to have a baby, I just want to be ABLE to!" The truth comes out I guess cause there it is. So many people get to choose these things but not me. My SIL is even choosing her baby's birthday by voluntary induction (which I don't agree with and question the doctor as she's not due for several days and is having no problems). But I can't even choose whether or not I get to have a baby, much less on what day. (Sigh) .... life is so unfair. I could sure use some prayers to get me through this week.