Almost There

I'm so ready to have this over with. I'm not stimming as fast as they thought I would which is pushing everything back and making my work schedule a pain. I feel bad because I go to all the trouble to find someone to work and then I say oh nevermind, I don't need that day off after all. People are seriously getting annoyed with me not making up my mind. Now my ER is set for Wednesday, for real this time because I don't have to go back for any more monitoring. But now tomorrow I need to call and annoy everyone again by asking for Wednesday off. But oh well, its almost over. I do stims tonight and tomorrow morning then my trigger tomorrow night. It looks like I'm going to have about 9 mature follicles, some other small ones but they probably won't be mature. Here are my sizes for this morning: 18,17,17,16,16,15,15, 14, 13,12,8. The 13 should make it, the 12 probably not and then 8 definitely not. I was worried about the number of embryos we'd have but so far it looks like God is working it out just right, why was I worried in the first place? Of course He would take care of it!

My ET is going to be pushed into the week my sub is gone. If we do a 5 day it will be a week from tomorrow. The RE said we have to do a 3 day then so I get my two days bedrest but I think I will just pretend and go for the 5 day anyway. I seriously sit and read my book most days anyway, its hardly more work than sitting at home on my computer or the couch all day. If I can just get next monday off then tuesday I'll go back to work and just take it easy. I'll wait and see what our fert report looks like and if we have some good embryos to make it til 5 day. I'm so sick of work, if I didn't need the money to pay for all this I'd just quit. Work gets in the way of life, doesn't it? I feel like I'm not really living and enjoying life anymore, just a slave to the clock at work. No wonder there are so many unhappy people out there. I feel like all the stress of trying to work my schedule around this IVF is bad for our cycle. I'm trying to relax but its hard when I just can't plan my days off. But it is set for Wednesday now, they can't change that once I trigger.

DH may end up telling my parents what we are doing, he says they are starting to act suspicious so I said if they press him for more info when we go for ER this week to just tell them what's going on. But I really hope they just mind their own business. I've not had a lot of side effects and only some mild discomfort from the growing follies. The injections are going well too. The only major bruising I have is from that one shot that went terribly wrong. DH is practically a pro at this now! I still haven't caught that nasty cold/flu bug that's going around but I can feel that my body is stressed. Today I'm taking a nap and watching some tv. Yep, I'm going to be a bum today!

I'm so ready, Wednesday can't come fast enough!

Monitoring Tomorrow

Still no winner to my giveaway, maybe I made the questions too hard?

I'm on day 5 of stims today. I thought I'd be feeling a lot worse by now so I'm not really sure what to expect at my first monitoring appt. tomorrow. I'm hoping I'm ready to trigger because I'm so ready to be done with this but I just don't know what to expect. The bloating and fullness feeling definitely hit me last night. I guess that could be a good sign that I'm getting close to ready. My whole family has been really sick lately with a bad cold/cough. They think its influenza A but no one has been checked out for sure. Yesterday and today I had a touch of sore throat which is always the first sign. Please not now, I really can not afford to get sick right now. I'm drinking my tea, eating healthy, trying to get rest and acupuncture tomorrow will hopefully help. But how am I suppose to grow healthy eggs and fight off this nasty bug at the same time? I am going to the gym today, just for a half hour on the elliptical. They say that's good for your immune system and even though I'm on stims I think its okay to still use the elliptical as long as I take it easy. I did last IVF and I was fine. It might help with the bloating and fact that my pants are getting tight. And the fact that my jeans are digging into my terribly bruised belly does not make me feel good at all. I was doing so well with these shots and hardly had any bruises until two nights ago. I don't know what went wrong but it hurt much worse than normal, then left a knot followed by a huge bruise the next day. I have a couple other tiny bruises but if it weren't for that one nasty one I'd be doing pretty well. Last time I stimmed for 9 days, this time she thinks I'll be ready after 7 so I'm hoping to trigger Saturday night.

For those of you who like details, here's how its gone so far.
1.) Two weeks of BCPs starting on day 3 of my period (Feb. 1-14)
2.) Baseline appt. three days after last pill, no period yet, about 16 antral follies (Feb. 17)
3.) Two days later, start microdose diluted lupron, 5 units twice a day, period starts (Feb. 19)
4.) Start stims 2 vials Bravelle morning and night, continue lupron, 4 shots a day for two days (Feb 20-21)
5.) Change to 1 Bravelle and 1 Menopur morning and night, continue lupron, still taking 4 shots a day, period ends (Feb. 23)
6.) Day 5 of stims, starting to see side effects such as bloating and irritability
7.) First monitoring appt. day 6 of stims (Feb. 25)

100th Post Giveaway!

Okay folks, here is post #100 and the promised giveaway. I'm not rich so no fancy prizes here but I will give you a choice of two very good books. The first is the infertility companion, written by two Christian doctors. It is said to be medically reliable and biblically sound. I read it a while ago but it was very good back when I had all those questions that needed answers.


The second choice is for those who already read that one or are not fertility challenged. It is called Passion For The Heart of God and is about the Great Commission. Whether that means missionaries in other countries or your neighbors right at home. Its a very good read about reaching all the peoples of the world and really opened my eyes to why God does some of the things the way He does.

Now....you didn't think there wouldn't be a test did you? So the first one to email me with the correct answers to these questions will win the book of their choice, mailed to them free of charge. Hint, all questions were blogged about at some point in the last 100 posts.

1. What are the names of my two goats?

2. Who is my all time most favorite Christian band (went to their concert)?

3. Where do I work?

4. What did God use to finally get me over my negative feelings toward my SIL?

5. Is there anything that you specifically enjoy reading in my blog or has anything I've written really touched your heart?

Good luck, I'll post an update when we have a winner!

Dreaming

In the storm of infertility there is so much bad news, hurt, despair, and hopelessness. But every once and while some joy and hope will peak through the clouds like a tiny ray of sunshine bringing warmth. Now that I've pretty much got things worked out with my schedule I'm feeling less stressed. And I'm imagining that this might work. I start to think that I shouldn't get my hopes up it will only suck more when they are crushed but I don't want to be that way. I want to enjoy this time, this time of joy and hopefulness. I've been day dreaming about my belly growing, telling our parents we're pregnant, decorating a nursery, how our lives will be different with a baby around, holding that baby in my arms, our family growing. How happy everyone will be for us. Last time we did IVF and got pg we never really rejoiced in it. It seemed unreal. So this time I'm attempting to not try to control everything but to also be happy about every moment I can. Right now I'm in the stage of this process where its easy to dream and think happy thoughts about how this will turn out. Sure I know I may come crashing down from this happy high but I want to enjoy it as long as I can. I must also confess that in my state of daydreaming, I looked up when my due date would be if my ER is Feb. 28. Normally I would hate myself for being so weak and giving in to such a silly notion but just this once I want to pretend I'm a normal woman about to conceive and start a family.

So far we have managed to keep this a secret from everyone. Last week when DH went to the RE with me to provide his frozen sample, my family asked a lot of questions. He said he had a doctor's appointment. So of course everyone assumed it was the RE and wanted to know how his tests turned out. He just said same as always nothing's really different. So hopefully they will let it rest now. But I'm not sure what will happen when we have ER. If DH doesn't have to work that morning we can sneak away without anyone knowing or if its on Sunday I'll just say we didn't go to church because I have the flu. The ET won't be a problem since my parents will be away that weekend. They are the hardest to keep the secret from since we see them everyday and DH works for them. We have not told anyone IRL what's going on this time or that we are even actively trying to conceive anymore. I'd like to keep it that way. Last time everyone knew and wanted to know how IVF turned out so we told them, then two weeks later had to tell them there was no baby after all. I prefer to grieve privately, not have all our friends and family know our business. Especially since those fertiles don't really get it.

Lupron started today and tomorrow the real stims start. I'm having some spotting today, I'm not expecting much of a period and the nurse said not to worry if I don't even get anything at all. I'm feeling much less stress and more excited. Its easier knowing what to expect this time around. DH is excited too and positive this is going to work this time. My head says lets be realistic but my heart says let's dream and be positive! There will be plenty of time for grief later if this doesn't work, why waste the time now when I can choose to be happy instead. Besides, it will be devasting if it doesn't work regardless of how happy I am about it now so I might as well be as happy as I can be.

By the way this is post #99, the next one is going to be a give away! The winner will be determined by the first person to comment with the correct answers to some sort of trivia quiz.

Baseline

Today I had my baseline and some questions answered. The u/s lady only counted 3 antral follicles on my left and 13 on my right. I guess 16 is a good number although what's up with my left side? I hardly had any there last IUI either. I think my left side is pretty lazy. I didn't talk to my RE since he was out this morning but already had the plan written up. I'm just going to give up control and we get what we get. Since I didn't have a huge antral follicle count I'm not too worried about getting more than 10-15 mature eggs. And we will likely fertilize them all but Nurse J said we could wait and talk to the embryologist after the ER and then decide what we want to do. We decided to wait until Sunday to start stims so that I can avoid a possible appointment on Saturday when I can't get out of work. Now my first monitoring appt. will be next Friday and she thinks I'll be pretty close to ready by then. I might have to go back Sunday but she thinks we'll trigger Saturday for a Monday ER. Now I still need to find a way to get someone to work for me that Monday. ET is taken care of now matter what day it falls on. Wow, I guess when I write it all out, it makes me feel better. If I can just get someone lined up for Monday the 28th just in case. I can always cancel and go to work myself if it doesn't end up to be on that day. I feel a little better now. I'm going to acupuncture on Monday. Its a holiday so I have the whole day off and while I hate to drive the 45 min. to SF just for the acupuncture appointment, I know that I really need the stress relief. Working full time and doing IVF just does not work out. I told Nurse J today that if she could just guarantee me that this was going to work, I'd quit my stupid job right now so that it wouldn't get in the way.

But I need to keep my job because holy crap does this cost a lot of money!! We had to pay for the IVF itself which was $10,118 up front, then my meds were $1450 and that's not even all of them! I'll have at least another $500 yet. And besides all that we have another $2,000 bill coming for my HSG and IUI last month. If we are spending all this money for nothing again, its going to be a sad sad day for us. But the good news is my insurance deductible is pretty much met now so anything not related to IVF will be covered.

Everything is going to work out just fine. Its in God's hands and I trust Him. I just need to relax.

I Need To Relax

I'm a planner, I like to be on a schedule where everything is predictable and controlled. I'm starting to freak out about this IVF. ER is likely a Sunday or Monday so I wanted to take Monday off just so I didn't have to worry about it. Then ET would be Friday or Saturday. I wanted to take Friday off so I could relax, I still have to work 2 hours Saturday but have someone on standby just in case ET was that day. But today my one and only sub informed me that she can't work Monday or Friday that week. Well that's just great. Now I have to wait and see what day I will need off for sure, then at the last minute beg and plead with someone who has no idea how to run my office, while being indiscreet about why I can't just reschedule my "appointment" for another day that my sub can come. My RE is so not flexible, everything has to be on their schedule.

But the stress doesn't end there. I begin to worry about how many eggs should we go for? Should we limit fertilization again? Should we freeze eggs? Should I just trust my RE to do what he does best? What if I get OHSS? What if we freeze 10 embryos and end up pg with twins? We will not abandon our embryos but we do not want 10 kids. What if we fertilize 10-15 embryos and none of them survive til day 5 transfer? What if none of them survive to freeze? What if we have to cancel because I can't get out of work? What if we spend all this money and end up with nothing again? What if we have another miscarriage? What if we have a baby that isn't healthy? What if we have twins that don't make it to term? What if we have twins that die from preterm or complications shortly after birth? Or DH's worst fear...what if I give birth to a healthy baby but then die from a blood clot a week later like our otherwise healthy neighbor girl/friend did? What if everything goes perfectly and we end up with a take home baby and I can't handle being a mommy?

What if I just stopped worrying about all these things and trusted God to control everything?

Isn't worry a lack of faith? I just need to relax and put this in his hands. That's what I said I was going to do but that's not what I'm doing. I'm freaking myself out when I should be relaxing and preparing my body to accept life. This is so hard. I just need to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is my baseline. That's all I need to think about right now. Everything will be okay, God will take care of everything according to his plan.

Blogger Awards

Thanks to Mrs. Unexpected for the stylish blogger award!! My very first! Here are the rules.....

1. Thank and link back to the person who gave you the award.

2. Share 7 things about yourself.

3. Award 15 other bloggers.

4. Contact the bloggers and tell them about the award.

Seven (random) things about me.....

1. If I had the space and money I would totally run a German Shorthaired Pointer Rescue.

2. My dream in life is to have our own little acreage to grow and raise our own food, be a stay at home mommy and eventually homeschool our children.

3. I wear the same old comfy hoodie around the house practically every day, whenever I get home from work I immediately put it on, even in the summer.

4. If I could only eat one thing for the rest of my life, it would be chocolate chip cookie dough.

5. Besides the RE, I never go the doctor, never had any broken bones, stitches, cavities or needed glasses (except now I think I might).

6. I am a planner and practically have a nervous breakdown when DH throws me off my schedule and makes us late for stuff.

7. My parents are our best "couple" friends.

I'm giving this award to......

1.) Lori at Reflections of Something

2.) Jenn at Baby Magnesi

3.) Mrs. Hammer at ....Expect Miracles.....

4.) Hillary at Making Me Mom

5.) Michelle at In Pursuit of Parenthood
6.) Heather at Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up
7.) The Coach's Wife at The Gameplan: How To Make A Baby
8.) Marion at Keeping My Eyes on Jesus
9.) Ashley at On the Lanai
10.) Sas at Can I Walk With You
11.) NLY at Suspended In God's Grace
12.) J at A Long Road Ahead
13.) Shocks at Infertility Sucks
14.) Jay at The 2 Week Wait
15.) Megan at Bottoms On and On a Break

And now an update.....

Its well over two weeks since I posted. I just haven't felt up to it. I'm still saddened by losing Katie but time is healing. My parents found a new puppy already and he is super sweet and loveable. But he doesn't replace Katie and I still find myself missing her. Missy still doesn't seem depressed and is making friends with the new puppy quickly. To CDJ, who left a comment on my last post.....I have thought about the new heaven and earth thing and how I could see my dog again. It also occured to me that if God loves us and our pets make us happy why couldn't He let us have them in heaven. But then I think about how in heaven earthly things won't matter and we will all be so happy to be with Jesus and praise Him with the angels, who's going to care about a dog they had on earth? I guess I'll just have to wait and see when I get there.

I'm also feeling really sick of working all the time. The days get so long and boring. DH and I were discussing the differences between farming and working a "town job". I've grown up around farming and it goes back in many generations, its in my blood. With farming you are a slave to your work and you can't just go home and forget about it but there is some flexibility in schedule. I am tied to the clock with very little work to do. Its just not the way I was raised and I'm finding I don't like it. Its not exactly my job that I hate, if I have to have a full time job I'd def want this one. But I don't want a full time job, I want to stay home and raise my children. For a long time I used that as an excuse thinking "well I'll quit this job when I get pregnant." The past couple years I gave that way of thinking up. Now I'm back to thinking that way. Praying I get pregnant so I have a legitimate excuse to quit working full time. Of course that's not the only reason but I think about it a lot lately.

IVF #2 is well on its way. I want to do it but I'm not feeling any excitement like the first time. I just want it to be over and me to have a little baby in my arms. I'm not as innocently hopeful about a take home baby this time. In fact, I have serious anxiety over it resulting the same as last time. But I also feel like this might be it for us, like this time we will get our take home baby. I have a lot of mixed feelings. I'm stressed about getting the necessary time off work, how DH is going to get away from his boss (my dad) without explaining why and how I will not have enough time for as much acupuncture this time. When I asked DH he said to stop worrying because no matter what I do or don't do its only going to work if God decides its our time.

So here's the details. We are doing the lupron microflare protocol, which I'm unsure about since I'm a good responder. I have some worries about OHSS but trying to trust my RE knows what he's doing. I took BCPs for two weeks. I take nothing Tues and Weds this week. Thursday I start Lupron and have my baseline. Saturday I start stims. Not sure when my monitoring will be but tentative ER is Feb. 28 with hopefully a 5 day transfer.

Our insurance deductible is not met yet this year so we are paying all meds out of pocket and of course IVF is out of pocket too. Last time we got a loan, this time we are blessed enough to pay it all up front and forget about it. We decided not to go with ARC's one cycle plus plan. We figure in our specific case its cheaper to just pay for the services we recieve instead of paying a set amount. Our last IVF we got refunded $2000 for services we didn't use. It was a painful reminder last time paying on a loan for a baby we lost. This time we can forget about the $10k+ regardless of outcome.

That's all for now, I hope to be a more active blogger as this IVF continues. And CDJ.....I don't mind stalkers, its okay.....really.

Saying Goodbye

Death is so hard to understand. I feel somewhat more peace about people deaths because I know that Jesus is waiting to take them to heaven where I'll see them again someday. But dogs are different. Dust into dust and that's it. I don't believe in animal heaven since animals don't have souls in the spiritual sense. But God did definitely create animals with amazing abilities and personalities that many people seem to lack. Dog is man's best friend for a reason. Saying goodbye to Katie and understanding why this happened is so hard. Last weekend after crying all day and praying for a miracle she actually started doing better. In fact Tuesday night we went to see her and took Missy along. She didn't look good but they said she was starting to eat and recovering slowly but right on track for her situation. But then her internal organs started to fail and last night my parents put her to sleep. We went to say goodbye this morning and we'll bury her when the ground thaws enough. It almost seems it would be easier to understand if she had been sick or ran over. But to die because she ate strange things and we can't understand why. And why did God make her better for a few days and give us hope just to have her die anyway? I'm not really trying to understand it because if there is anything infertility has taught me its that "why?" is a stupid question that hardly ever has an answer. I know some people may think well it was just a dog, get over it already. But Katie was so much a part of our family and our life for the past 8 years that it just seems like nothing we do will be the same without her.