Dreaming

In the storm of infertility there is so much bad news, hurt, despair, and hopelessness. But every once and while some joy and hope will peak through the clouds like a tiny ray of sunshine bringing warmth. Now that I've pretty much got things worked out with my schedule I'm feeling less stressed. And I'm imagining that this might work. I start to think that I shouldn't get my hopes up it will only suck more when they are crushed but I don't want to be that way. I want to enjoy this time, this time of joy and hopefulness. I've been day dreaming about my belly growing, telling our parents we're pregnant, decorating a nursery, how our lives will be different with a baby around, holding that baby in my arms, our family growing. How happy everyone will be for us. Last time we did IVF and got pg we never really rejoiced in it. It seemed unreal. So this time I'm attempting to not try to control everything but to also be happy about every moment I can. Right now I'm in the stage of this process where its easy to dream and think happy thoughts about how this will turn out. Sure I know I may come crashing down from this happy high but I want to enjoy it as long as I can. I must also confess that in my state of daydreaming, I looked up when my due date would be if my ER is Feb. 28. Normally I would hate myself for being so weak and giving in to such a silly notion but just this once I want to pretend I'm a normal woman about to conceive and start a family.

So far we have managed to keep this a secret from everyone. Last week when DH went to the RE with me to provide his frozen sample, my family asked a lot of questions. He said he had a doctor's appointment. So of course everyone assumed it was the RE and wanted to know how his tests turned out. He just said same as always nothing's really different. So hopefully they will let it rest now. But I'm not sure what will happen when we have ER. If DH doesn't have to work that morning we can sneak away without anyone knowing or if its on Sunday I'll just say we didn't go to church because I have the flu. The ET won't be a problem since my parents will be away that weekend. They are the hardest to keep the secret from since we see them everyday and DH works for them. We have not told anyone IRL what's going on this time or that we are even actively trying to conceive anymore. I'd like to keep it that way. Last time everyone knew and wanted to know how IVF turned out so we told them, then two weeks later had to tell them there was no baby after all. I prefer to grieve privately, not have all our friends and family know our business. Especially since those fertiles don't really get it.

Lupron started today and tomorrow the real stims start. I'm having some spotting today, I'm not expecting much of a period and the nurse said not to worry if I don't even get anything at all. I'm feeling much less stress and more excited. Its easier knowing what to expect this time around. DH is excited too and positive this is going to work this time. My head says lets be realistic but my heart says let's dream and be positive! There will be plenty of time for grief later if this doesn't work, why waste the time now when I can choose to be happy instead. Besides, it will be devasting if it doesn't work regardless of how happy I am about it now so I might as well be as happy as I can be.

By the way this is post #99, the next one is going to be a give away! The winner will be determined by the first person to comment with the correct answers to some sort of trivia quiz.