Holiday Spirit

Instead of apologizing like I always do for my lapse in blog updates, I'm going to pretend like I didn't just let another 7 months didn't go by without a single post.  I've been reading some of my old posts and its interesting how life has changed since I started this blog 3 years ago.  All those posts about wanting a baby so bad and then being happy childless look so different now.  I'm glad I can look back on it and see how God does answer prayers.  Now I have a 1.5 year old and all those blog posts I wrote with tears running down my face seem so far away.  But I can see how important infertility has been, I've learned a lot of lessons that apply to so many other situations in life.  My faith used to be such a huge part of who I was.  Somehow since J came to live with us and I became a mommy, I've begun to rely less on God and more on myself.  Its hard to listen in church while dealing with a child and the days get so busy I don't have much time to sit and reflect on spiritual things the way I used to.  And relying on myself has not been working out that great, life is way harder that way.  I need to work on this.

Christmas is a few days away and I'm lacking the usual Christmas spirit.  Which is crazy because I have a toddler who gets excited about nearly everything and isn't the joy of watching your children enjoy Christmas suppose to be better than any other time of year?  Yet our house has no signs of the holiday season, no tree, no lights, no Christmas cookies, no nothing.  This morning as I sat in church trying to listen to the sermon about the real reason for Christmas, I was reflecting on why I don't get into the spirit of the season more.  I used to love Christmas, I used to get excited to buy everyone gifts and celebrate with our family, I even used to decorate the house!  So what happened?  I can't blame our infertility for everything but the fact is that it changed me so much as a person and made me grow up and become a realist in so many ways that I have to go back to that.  I just don't look at life the same way anymore.  I don't believe in the magic of Christmas because its just another day, a day when we are suppose to remember the magic that happened 2000 years ago not buy each other more crap we don't really need and that won't really make us happy.  But so many people over look that and in some ways I think I boycott Christmas because of it.  As for gift giving, my dear friend says it best in one of her blog posts, The Best Gifts Are The Ones You Never Even Knew You Wanted.

Here's another reason for my lack of Christmas spirit.  Several years ago DH and I had a huge fight with my family over Christmas Eve.  We wanted to go to church even though it would make us late for dinner with my family.  They told us we couldn't go to church.  We went anyway.  Tons of drama, awful things were said, it took days for things to cool down and no apologies were ever made.  Every year since then we go to church on Christmas Eve and everyone accepts it but there is tension like DH and I commit some sort of unspeakable crime each year.  Its become better now that my niece and nephew are in the Christmas Eve program so we all go to see them but Christmas is never the same.  My own family, who raised me to put Jesus first in my life,  threatened to disown me if I ruined their Christmas by going to church first.  Its crazy!   I put up a fight, DH stood by my side but my Christmas spirit died that year.  I resent all the misguided souls who believe the spirit of the season means holiday shopping, gifts, treats, decorations, family dinners and being nice to each other for a couple weeks in December each year and just maybe attending church for possibly the first time all year.  The spirit of season is Jesus you fools and you should all be in church remembering that!  Then I feel like a bad person.  There is nothing wrong with any of those things and there is nothing wrong with celebrating Christmas in whatever way your family chooses to celebrate it.   Perhaps as J gets older we will celebrate more, I don't know.  But I do know my kid will be the one in school telling all the others that Santa isn't real. 

Don't interpret this as negativity towards Christmas.  I do love Christmas, after all where would we be without it?  And the world definitely needs a season each year where people think of others first and are joyful.   But even Christmas fails in comparison to the Easter season.  Its amazing and miraculous how God chose to have His Son come into this world but even that sweet little baby in the manger fails in comparison to the man that hung on the cross for my sins.  And believe me, I got some sins.  So I apologize to those who feel I drag them down at Christmas with my lack of festive spirit but I'm a realist and I'm just looking at the big picture.  The miracle may have started when Jesus was born and came into this world to save my soul but the miracle wasn't complete until He hung on the cross, conquered hell and left this world.  And that's something we should celebrate 365 days a year with the Holy Spirit, a joyful and giving heart, kindness towards others, forgiveness and appreciation for family.

P.S.  J is the most awesome kid ever, here's an update in pictures :)