Worst. Auntie. Ever.

My SIL had their 3rd baby a few weeks ago.  Most of you know that a lot of my posts have centered around her and my jealousy.  I thought I was over it now that I have J.  But I'm not really.  Its different but its still there.  When she first got pg again I made my usual "must be nice to get pg so easy"  comments to DH but I didn't give it too much thought.  Throughout her pregnancy I didn't really think much about it, at this point it kind of seems like she's always got a pregnant belly and was nothing new.  I've had a little baby fever myself so I was a excited to have a new baby to snuggle and love on.  I was excited to be an auntie again.  Until my new little niece arrived.  Then I felt the need to be distant.  We stopped by the hospital and I held her but we only stayed less than 10 minutes.  I just didn't get that new baby love feeling, I think its because I'm jealous that it seems so easy for everyone but me.  They don't even appreciate the freedom they have to choose how many children they want to have and when they have them.  Then they tell me that I have it so easy because I don't have to be recovering from giving birth while taking care of a newborn.  But nothing about adoption is easy and it is definitely not under my control or choice.  We have to trust every step of finding our children to God.  That's not a bad thing, its just not an easy thing like deciding you want another baby and then getting pregnant and having one.  After that short visit at the hospital I didn't visit my new niece for 10 days and they only live 5 min. away.  When I finally did visit I held her for about 1/2 hour.  When she was baptized DH and I were her sponsors but didn't even get in on the family pictures and I didn't hold her at all that day.  I feel bad.  I'm not a good auntie at all.  Or a good SIL.  When we brought J home my SIL was always here bringing food. playing with J, offering to babysit. 

I haven't actually shed any tears of jealousy or hurt over this third baby of theirs so in that way its different.  I'm not openly anger and bitter like before.  I just don't care.  Maybe I should make more of a fuss.  Maybe I'm being too self centered and too wrapped up in my own problems.  Its just seems like I get less emotionally invested in things these days.  I don't know if I'm growing up, growing cold hearted or just growing too busy giving all my energy to J.