Lilypie - Third Birthday

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Saying Goodbye

Dear friends,

I know I don't blog much these days but I do check in with all of you. Lately it seems to just stir up sadness from the past. I'd like to say that I've accepted my childless life and mostly I have but I didn't choose to accept, I accept it because there is no other choice. And I'm not who I used to be. I avoid kids and when I can't avoid them I look at how much trouble they are and tell myself I'm glad I won't ever have any. But in moments of weakness I admit I'm not glad and my heart still longs for it. But I no longer feel that our future includes children. Did I give up or surrender? Its hard to differentiate, maybe those two aren't as different as I thought. While we were trying for a baby I always felt that there was a miraculous pregnancy in my future. Now seeing so many of you get that or having successful adoptions, I just don't feel that way anymore. You'd think your stories would give me hope for my own but it doesn't. It only reminds me of how bad I wanted it and what I gave up.

But overall DH and I are very happy. The future has some changes for us that I'm excited about. And I can be happy without children. I know I have everything I need. But it does take work to block that mommy instinct that still longs for my own baby to hold. I may fight that for the rest of my life but I have babies waiting for me in heaven. In my effort to block that unfulfilled longing for children I'm ending this blog. I don't have much to say anymore and even if I try to turn this blog into something else it will forever be an infertility blog full of struggle and pain. There will be no announcing of a miraculous pregnancy and my journey to parenthood. The journey ends here. The pain of our struggle will not go way with this blog but I need to cut the strings to as many reminders as I can.

So thank you to everyone who followed us on our journey. Congrats to so many of you who got your babies and congrats to all of you who with the courage to continue the fight. Your support has meant so much to me in a world where only cyber friends can understand what we go through. God bless!

Love, Jen