First an update about Ellie.....she is reinforcing my thoughts that having children is just too much work! I don't know how mother's do it. I love her to pieces already but she cries all night when we put her in her kennel for bed. Finally after 2 hours DH usually gets up and sleeps next to her kennel and then she is quiet. I know its not helping the situation but we need to sleep too! Tonight we are going to try moving her kennel into our room. It won't help when we leave her home but if it helps at night I'll be happy enough. She's had a few accidents in the house but is doing really well with potty training. And other than the bedding in her kennel, she hasn't destroyed anything yet. So she isn't a terrible puppy but I just wish she would let us sleep at night. These past few days have me almost fearful of a surprise BFP. I'm afraid I would be a terrible mother. I'm just not sure I'm even willing to make the necessary sacrifices anymore. If taking care of a new puppy is so stressful, I can't imagine a real baby. I feel like the days of being young and excited about starting a family are past, like I'm too old for it even though I'm only 26. My life is going in a different direction now and I'm okay with it. There are still painful moments but the truth is I'm not sure I want a family. If my fairy Godmother came and said I could have one wish, I'm not sure I'd wish for a baby anymore. I don't know what I would wish for but I really don't think that would be it.
So its Easter weekend and we're getting together with my family. Now that I've been blogging for over a year its interesting to look back and see where I was a year ago. I'm in such a different place now. Last Easter I was bitter and angry towards my SIL because she was expecting my niece. Now while I still don't enjoy family get togethers, I don't hate them either. I'm just rather indifferent towards them.
We've been going to church services this week for Holy Week. I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of Easter and how important it is if your a Christian. Many people only go to church on Easter and Christmas but I really feel those people are missing something. Our pastor gave a very interesting sermon about how Easter and Christmas are not the most meaningful or miraculous days in the church year. On Christmas our Savior was born but what's the big deal really? Babies are born everyday and then He was just another baby, its the most natural thing in the world. The real miracle was the incarnation, where Jesus left His throne in heaven and came down and became one of us in Mary's womb. That is the miracle of Christmas, not that a baby was born. Easter is much the same way. The real miracle is Good Friday, not Easter Sunday. On Easter Jesus rose from the dead. Is that a miracle? Lazarus was raised from the dead too. That's a miracle but we don't celebrate the day Lazarus rose. The real miracle of Easter is that Jesus willingly died for us. He could have stopped the whole thing any time.....but He didn't. He knew He had to do it because He loves us so much. There would be no Easter without Good Friday. I can't put it as eloquently as our pastor did but it really makes you think.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
*sorry I don't know why blogger won't let me make paragraphs today.... Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. I keep thinking about how 7 is supposedly a complete and holy number. I don't feel complete. But our family of two is as complete as it was 7 years ago. I can't believe what we've been through the past seven years. I never would have imagined on my wedding day that this is where I'd be in 7 years. But here I am, beyond my control. Still happily married so I guess I can be thankful for that. Last night DH opened up to me, which is a rare occurance since he's a guy and totally not into sharing his feelings. He expressed many of the same things I feel, like just not being happy because there is no future for us without a family. Things seem to have no purpose when you have no family to provide for, nothing real and meaninful to look forward to, no responsibilities except to yourself. The future begins to look like one dreary day after the next. It broke my heart to hear DH talk like that. Sure I think those things all the time but to hear him actually say it sounded so depressing. I'm sorry that I can't make DH's dreams come true and that he feels like his life will always be missing something. It hurts to always be left out as we prepare for our last childless couple friends to soon announce that they are expecting. Who will we be friends with then? Who will we hang out with then besides my parents? It seems that all our friendships are temporary because we know that someday everyone will move on to parenthood without us and even though we will still be friends on some level, we just can't relate when we're in such different places. This was made very clear to me last week when we went out to dinner with my brother and SIL and our friends. Us girls were talking and all my SIL talked about was the kids. Of course because that's all people with kids do. But then my friend without kids went on about how when she has kids and proceeded to discuss all her dreams of parenthood with my SIL. I almost cried when I realized I couldn't participate in the conversation. I had nothing of value to add, I have no dreams for a family. Then they started talking about this other friend who is having twins. And my childless friend said how she would love to have twins. And I almost cried again because that used to be my dream. And I'm so envious of my friend and my SIL because one still has all her dreams in front of her to look forward too and my SIL has all her dreams coming true. Then I realized this will always be my lot in life. I will always be the outsider. Even when I'm old and gray, I'll be having coffee with my old lady friends and they will discuss their kids and grandkids and I will sit there unable to participate in the conversation. They will talk about their dreams for their grandkids when they grow up and I will have nothing to add of my own. Also this week another of my infertile blogger friends miraculously and naturally got pregnant. I'm thrilled for her as she has put her time in and is another example of God's faithfulness, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself. Once again there is someone who wasn't suppose to get pregnant and did. I hear that story all the time. Everyone knows someone like that. But that story will never be told about me. It seems there are never stories about people who weren't suppose to get pregnant and never did. But that is my fate. That will be my story. There are no miracles in my future. I can't even picture myself as a mother anymore. When I'm around my niece and nephew I have no desire to be with them, no desire to play with them, I don't think they are cute, I don't want to hold and cuddle them, I don't want to make them laugh or smile......I just don't care. My mothering instinct is lost, buried or dead. Its okay though, its easier that way. I know this sounds depressing but I'm really not that unhappy with my life. When I think about the future maybe it is a bit sad and lonely but I don't think about the future much. I wake up and do the job God gave me to do today. Be a wife, be a daughter, be an employee and do the best I can at each of them. Despite our lack of family DH and I are still happy together. Its been the two of us for 7 years and will likely just be the two of us for the next 70 years but there is no reason we can't be happy. We love each other and we love God and that's enough for today. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Today I was at work in my little post office and this older lady comes in and was going on about stories from her childhood for 45 minutes. I grew up in this little town and I've always known this little old lady from church. She is very outspoken about her faith and her relationship with Jesus. Her life seems to center around Him. So after she went on for almost an hour and I smiled and nodded a lot she says "Oh your so sweet, I just know the Lord has something really special for you, I just know it." Just the way she said it, left me feeling rather uncomfortable, I mean what do you say to that? Then before she finally left she repeated it again and said "I'll let you know when I figure it out". My first thought was thank the Lord, He finally sent me a messenger. Then I realized she is just a batty old lady, she may be sweet but I seriously doubt that she has any insight into what my future holds. But the whole conversation still has me feeling uneasy. Of course I assume if what she said has any truth to it, it would have to be related to my infertility. Although she's never said I do believe she is aware of it because I'm rather certain that my gossiping grandmother has told everyone in town, especially since DH and I are celebrating 7 years of marriage this month and the "when are you having children" questions have stopped from most people in town. Or people think its safe to assume if we wanted or were able to have kids we would have by now. But then I thought well, why do I assume if God has something special in store for me that it would be related to my infertility? God could have a plan for something special in my life that has nothing to do with babies. And then I sadly and selfishly thought, oh well it can't be that special then. I can't imagine how childish and hurtful I must be to God. I pretty much feel like if I can't have the gift I want, when I want it then He can just keep whatever He has in store for me. I feel guilty just typing that. Brutal honestly is harder to take in when its staring back at me from the computer. But it is what it is. I'm still trying to deal with everything that goes along with another failure and pretending not to feel the way I do isn't going to help.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Okay so as hard as I've tried, I have to confess that I just can't give up hope. Believe me I've been trying. I don't want to have hope, it only makes the disappointment worse. But as silly as it seems there is still something in me that tells me someday we will have our miracle baby. Darn it hope, get out of my head! I want to be done with this and I want to put all our infertility struggles, dreams, disappointments, hopes, fears, and tears behind me and move on. Why can't I get that little voice out of my head that keeps saying, "maybe someday we'll be one of those stories of a couple that gets pregnant on their own after everything else failed." Ugh, I wish I didn't think like that. It is those kind of thoughts that will keep me forever tied to my dreams. I tried to walk away but it seems I'm still dragging those stupid dreams along behind me, trying to pretend they are not there. On a side note, DH is trying to find a new goat for our farm. So on the desk he has a piece of paper with some notes written on it about a goat we are thinking of buying. The goat's mother was named "Miracles". But on this piece of paper DH has the goats name and written next to it "out of miracles". Now DH meant it as in this goat was born out of a goat named miracles, but everytime I sit down at the desk and see it I think, "Yep, 'out of miracles', that describes why God won't give me a baby, especially since He just gave twins to a friend of mine." I almost feel like I'm trying too hard to be negative about this, its just not in my nature but the whole positive thinking thing hasn't worked out for me so far so I might as well try something different. But I'm starting to realize that my faith and my relationship with God won't allow for me to continue with the negativity. While I'm certain we are done with fertility treatments, I can't deny that I will always be hoping that God isn't quite out of miracles yet. Which is pretty much where I have been the past two years. Not much has been changed by this failed IVF after all except that the door to fertility treatments is firmly shut. I'm not sure what will happen with this blog since I don't have much to say or anything new in the way of infertility anymore. I could blog about my weight loss attempts but even I get sick of pretending I'm really going to lose weight only to give it up after a few weeks. You can read my other blog if your interested in our farm, garden, canning and cheese making attempts. I'm terrible at keeping it updated but hoping to make a real effort this summer. I keep them separate because friends and family read that blog, while this one is strictly private, to be shared only with my fellow anonymous infertiles. I don't know what's with blogger making the post all one paragraph, I tried but oh well. Sorry if its hard to read.