Lilypie - Third Birthday

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Can I get my straight jacket in pink?

I haven't updated for a while.  Life has been stressful.  A couple weekends ago we were at a wedding, J didn't get a nap and by 9pm showed a side of him I have not seen before.  It was pure 2 year old evil.  And I lost it, like really lost it.  There were tears, screaming, bad words, hyper ventilating, and that was just from me.  Add a two year old tantrum and poor DH had his hands full.  Although I did wait until we were in the car and J was asleep to have my tantrum.  Sometimes when life is so busy and stressful, I don't even realize its getting to me until I break.  It definitely takes a special man to stand by me through all the crazy and still love me.  Although a brief stay at the asylum does sound like a nice get away sometimes. 

A few weeks ago I went to an ultrasound appointment with L and we got to see the baby.  I feel like I should say it was awesome to see the baby but I didn't really feel any sort of attachment, it still felt like someone else's baby.  She hasn't had any doctor appointments but I was glad I got to go and hear for myself that everything is looking good.  And we found out if James is having a baby brother or sister, which I will reveal later :)  Sorry!  We also found out her due date isn't until late September.  Which is fine except that means we are paying a couple extra months of her expenses, which are getting ridiculously high already.  With our first adoption we used an agency with a flat fee, so we were hoping to save money doing it this way.  And we should still save around 10k but the financial risk is huge this time.  We paid the agency after placement so if J's birth parents had chosen to keep him we would not have been out our money.  This time if she chooses not to place we will be out 16k.  I would be super worried if she hadn't already gone through with an adoption before, it gives me some peace of mind although I'm still very worried.  We've had a lot of drama with her in and out of jail and other circumstances.  I've been losing a lot of sleep over this the past several weeks.  And just when I think everything has calmed down there is a new twist.  Last week the law firm actually offered us the chance to get out now and get all our money back and I was seriously tempted.  But I do believe that this is God's plan for us so we will stay the course and hope we don't end up broke with no baby in the end.  It really should not even be legal to have someone pay your bills for 7 months and then keep the baby and they are just out their money, it really is robbery.  But we agreed to take the financial risk so we will just keep praying it all works out. 

Besides all that drama, life with a two year old is a whole different kind of drama that makes me seriously wonder what is wrong with me for wanting another child.  Yesterday James fell and hit his head, it was pretty ugly and I was worried about him.  But he was fine, just kept on playing like it was no big deal.  A couple hours later he had a total melt down, like he was seriously dying because the wagon wouldn't stay hooked to his tractor.  Two year old logic leaves me completely confused.  Potty training is an ongoing battle, some days I feel like he has it mastered and the next I think we've made no progress.  And no matter what we're doing, if its mommy's idea, there is no way he's going to do it.  5 minutes later when its his idea, its the coolest thing ever.  Even his kisses are painful, they usually start with banging his head into mine, followed by licking my face,then a nose rub that may or may not involve snot and then a hug that comes with a complimentary shoulder bite.  Yep, he's a sweetheart!