Thursday, June 17, 2010

Check out this website

I read about it from a fellow blogger. They have something called "Daily Double Portions" and all you have to do is enter your email address and each week day they send you a short email, usually taking a bible verse or several and relating it to the infertility struggle. I've been a long time member of Hannah's Prayer, most of my readers probably are also members. HP has awesome message boards and is probably the one site I frequent the most. But Sarah's Laughter is a little different, they really focus on scripture. I suggest everyone sign up for their daily double portions. I also recommend the book written by the website founder Beth Forbus. Its called "Baby Hunger" and of all the infertility books I read, this one really spoke to my heart. There is just something so uplifting and positive about focusing on scripture. The book left me feeling really good about God's plan for us, whether it includes children or not.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Different Pages

DH and I are almost always on the same page. Often times, without even prior discussion, we agree on things. DH likes to joke to other people that we don't even read the same book, much less find ourselves on the same page. But that's just a joke b/c he thinks he's funny, in reality we usually agree. As regular readers of this blog know, I'm really coming to a place where I can be happy and excited for my future without children. I won't deny there are triggers that send me back into what I call "Rachel's world". I call it that because its the "give me children or I'll die" feelings. But more and more lately, I see DH and I being complete as two. We don't need children and often I question how bad I really wanted kids to start with. Then I feel guilty because there is a longing in my heart to be a mother. But then I think of all the ways it would stress me out and be an inconvenience. Then I feel horrible for thinking of a child in such a way, children are a blessing and truly a gift from God. Today DH was complaining how sore and tired he is, so I suggested he go to the gym and relax in the hot tub. He said he can't because its not good for his sperm. I said who cares about your sperm? Oops, I guess he found that comment a little hurtful and I explained that now is not a good time for us to get pg anyway because of my new job opportunity. We already talked about this and he knows how I feel but apparently he didn't take me seriously when I told him that I didn't really want to try to get pg anymore. And apparently he still does. My heart broke a little for him b/c I thought we were on the same page here. I thought he was okay living childless. It also breaks my heart that he would have to because he's made to be a daddy and I hate to deny him that. So I guess we will keep trying and if he wants to avoid the hot tub for the sake of his sperm then I'll pretend like I still care about his little swimmers. And if he wants us to still do an IUI around Christmas time then I'll do it for him. I have such a negative attitude, so sure that it won't work that I figure I might as well indulge him with an IUI, it will fail and I'll still be able to work at my new job. How awful I feel about thinking such things. But I love him dearly and I know how bad he wants to be a daddy so I'll keep trying for him. I really do desire to make him a daddy more than anything else. As for making me a mommy? Well either I'm trying to push it out of my heart to avoid disappointment or its really fading on its own - I'm not sure which yet.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

So excited about my job!

I've never been much for careers. Never had much drive or desire to work outside the home. I went to college because its what everyone else was doing, I got my business degree because my parents wanted me to, I worked at the daycare because it would be good practice, I started working at the post office because they asked me to and worked at the preschool because I wanted to serve the Lord. Never have I actually been super excited about working. Never did I think that when I grew up I'd want to be a postal employee. But I do, and I'm really excited about it. For the first time ever, I'm really excited about work and I can see myself in this job permanently, like 20 years from now. Up until now everything has been temporary and I've said "its just til I get pg, then I can quit and stay home." Now I find myself thinking, I hope I don't get pg soon cause I don't want to give this up! Huh? Did I really say that?! Right now my position is a temporary but possibly long term substitute. I don't get a raise until I get the actual regular position. Which I'm really hoping I will. I feel like I'm being tested, like they just want to see if they like me first. But I think good things will come of this and I'm so excited to go to work. A bigger office is more active and I stay busier which makes time go by faster and I actually like what I do. I'm the kind of person that likes to use the computers and I love sorting and organizing mail. Weird huh? But that's me. I like putting each letter and parcel in its special place. DH thinks its strange but we all have our things. I never wanted to work full time hours but if they offer it, I'll be happy to take it. I don't want to say its all about the money but finally they will pay enough where I consider it worth sacrificing my home time. I think my attitude is changing and I'm finally starting to accept my life for what it is, not what I want it to be. I'm finally excited for the future with no baby in sight. I've been asking myself this a lot lately, do I want what I can't have or do I truly feel I can't live without a child? Sometimes I think its become so much of wanting what I can't have that I can't even imagine changing my life to make room in it for a baby. I just want to get pg, if that actually happened, I'd be scared to death for the future. DH cautioned me about getting so excited and making plans based on my new job, he says God may just give us a baby now because my plans no longer include it. Well I'll accept whatever plan God has but I almost hope He'll hold off on the baby for a while now. This job could really help us get ahead financially and pay off some of our loans. Things are changing, in my life and in my heart. Some days I ache so bad for a baby, some days I re-live our miscarriage and other critical points of our IF struggle to the point that I just cry my eyes out and then there are days where I say "God, please don't give us a baby just yet, we have too much to do". I have been totally and completely in love with DH again these past few months and I'm so enjoying being a wife that I'm not sure I want to turn into a mother just yet.

Life is so much a matter of perspective and appreciating and making the most of what you have. That's where happiness is found. I recently had a birthday, yep 26 years old, and I was complaining about how I feel so old because all our friends are getting married and having babies. We've been married over 6 years and feel like we're middle aged and past the whole parenthood stage. We have much more in common with my parents and older people than we do people our own age. That makes me feel so much older than 26. My friend who is also 26, has two kids and she also feels old. She feels old for exactly the opposite reason. She feels old because most of her friends are still single and out partying every weekend. She feels old because giving birth twice and caring for two young kids takes a toll on your body. So she is sometimes jealous of me and my unattached and unburdened life, while I'm jealous of her and her family and ability to have kids. Isn't it funny how we both feel old but for opposite reasons? Isn't it funny how we always want what someone else has? Just a matter of your perspective. I'm trying to focus more on the blessings that God has given me, because there are many and I wouldn't trade my life with anyone. I especially wouldn't trade my dear hubby.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

What a week!

I have been meaning to post an update all week but just haven't had time. First of all my appointment on Tuesday went well. I really like this new doctor, he was very warm and friendly and I felt comfortable with him. Sometimes when doctors even just shake my hand it makes me feel weird but I could have given this guy a hug and it wouldn't have been weird. He's very much the loveable grandpa. We have two main medical hospitals and clinic chains around here. One is Sanford, the other Avera. I have always been a patient of Sanford because we have one locally and its always just been assumed that its the superior one. Avera is just as big but it was formed by a catholic ministry and continues to stay true to catholic values. We're not catholic and I always felt Avera was inferior, so I always thought it wasn't really for us. But I loved it! The doctor asked how my DH and I were dealing with our IF spiritually and if we have found peace with God, if we've been through the anger at God phase and it totally surprised me. He wanted to make sure that our sex life hasn't suffered and that I make sure DH knows I love him and our IF is not his fault. What a refreshing change from the impersonal care I was getting at the RE. I would LOVE for this man to deliver my babies but if that's not possible he'll at least be my permanent ob/gyn. Except I'm afraid he's near retirement age, I pray not soon! He doesn't think I have endo and doesn't want to do a surgery unless he has reason to suspect it. I still think I might have endo but two doctors have told me now that I probably don't so I'll take their word for it. He also suggested we give IVF another but totally understands that it isn't an option for us. He said he is happy to do IUIs if that's what we want to do but agrees we should wait until the winter months when DH's numbers are up. He said in January we would probably have a 10-15% chance of success. Not great but when you consider fertile people have a 20% chance each month I guess our odds are pretty good. He said the general rule is 3-6 IUIs and then moving on or giving up. But he did 13 IUIs for his sister in law, because apparently he did it for free. It was the lucky number 13 for her! I don't see us doing 13 IUIs but I'd like to do 3-4 more. We already did 3 but it was at the worst time for DH's numbers so I don't really count it.

In other news, I got a new job! I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but I have been working part time for the post office for almost 6 years now. I work in our little small town office on Saturdays and whenever the postmaster takes a day off. Because its a little office, there is only one person there to sort mail, sell stamps and do all the postmaster stuff. So finally I got offered 20 hours a week at an office in the nearby bigger town, about 7 miles away. In this office I will be trained only as a clerk, so I will only sell stamps and accept packages. The good news is more hours and better pay. I'm excited! I never wanted full time so 20 hours a week is perfect and its half the driving time of the preschool. I'm sad to leave the preschool, the other teacher also got a new teaching job so the preschool is left with no teachers. They will be fine though, I'm sure the perfect teachers are out there waiting for an opportunity. The Lord will take care of the preschool. The post office might not be as rewarding but its still a sweet job and great for our financial situation. Over the past few months I've felt my passion for teaching fade with my passion for having children. I think I simple job with little to no stress, that I can forget about as soon as I walk out the door, is perfect for me right now.

There are still days when my heart aches for children but most days I am accepting our life as it is. I recently read "Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus and it really spoke to my heart. Its a biblical study of infertility and it left me feeling so positive and happy. Not necessarily feeling like God would give us a child but that it will be great no matter what His plan is. We are so blessed even without children. Its hard to compare our marriage to others, since who knows what happens behind closed doors but I feel like DH and I really have a special marriage. We really are one heart. We may argue about the little things but when it comes to morals and core values, we think the same and always agree. When it comes to daily living and loving our neighbors, we think the same. We might still argue about how to properly do the laundry or who has to cook or who works harder but the real things, the things that matter, those things we are one. Our marriage has become so much better over the years and I think I can thank infertility and God's divine plan for that. When I think of our first few years of marriage, yikes! I'm glad that's in the past! We were so immature! I can honestly look at every seriously difficult challenge in my life and see the blessings in it and how it all worked out for good. I may not be to the end of this infertility challenge yet so I can't say how it all turned out for the greater good but I am definitely starting to pick out the little blessings along the way.

So I'm in a good place right now, things are seeming pretty good. SIL is due to have the first baby girl in the family in only three weeks. Three weeks and I watch my SIL get effortlessly handed my biggest dream in life. Its going to hurt, probably hurt A LOT. I'll get through it I know, but its going to be a tough pill to swallow.