Tuesday, April 29, 2014

My Little J Is Growing Up!

I can't believe it was almost exactly two years ago that we were just finding out that J was on the way.  Time really does go by too fast.  Since we got the news about a new baby coming soon, I got to thinking about how it will affect J.  He will turn 2 right before this baby arrives and there have been a couple transitions I've been thinking about making.  Moving out of the crib and potty training.  Potty training has been on my mind for a long time and I just have not wanted to do it.  Even though I feel like he's been ready.  We started with the transition to a toddler bed around Easter.  It was so much easier than I thought.  J has always gone to sleep on his own, we read a few books then put him in his crib.  Sometimes he would cry a few minutes but unless he wasn't feeling good he would go right to sleep.  In the mornings he would play in his crib until I got him out of bed.  I actually put a gate on his door because he is upstairs and the steps are so steep I don't want him falling down them when he gets up.  The first night I sat next to his bed until he fell asleep.   I think I was more of distraction.  It took about an hour and half but he didn't cry.  Just wanted to play.  The next night I tucked him in and left.  He got out of bed, cried for a few minutes and when I went to check on him he was back in his bed sound asleep.  In the mornings he gets up and sit in his chair to read his books.  The nights really depend on how tired he is and he's been sick so sometimes I do spend more time than usual putting him to bed.

Since that went so well I decided we should get started on potty training this week.  My strategy is get rid of the diapers and just stick with it.  Except at night we will still use an overnight diaper for a while.  So yesterday was day 1 and we went through 12 pairs of underwear.  But I think he did good, a lot of those were just leaks and we would run to the bathroom and finish.  He goes when I ask him too and when he has an accident he says "oh no, potty!"  I think recognizing those things is half the battle so I feel like if we stick with it he can totally do this.  We are half way through day two and he only had 2 accidents this morning.  I'm happy with that and hoping that's a good sign that he's figuring it out.  Even though he's doing really well its exhausting for me.  I was so tired of running to the bathroom and changing his clothes yesterday.  I am determined to be committed to it this time, we've tried a couple times before but I gave up.  This time I think he's ready, he seems willing and I just have to have patience and keep at it.  The sooner we can make some of these transitions the easier it will be when the new baby comes home.   

Friday, April 25, 2014

My Blind Date

We met our new future birth mom this week and I really liked her.  She is so cute and funny.  I wrote before that I was trying not to be nervous, like I was just going to make a new friend but DH had a better way of putting it.  He said it was like a being set up on a blind date.  We didn't know much about her, brought a small gift we had to guess she might like, and then had dinner while trying to make small talk and get to know each other.  All the way home I kept asking DH "do you think she liked us? Do you think it went well?".  And when we got home I cried to DH because this is just so hard sometimes.  Its hard to be emotionally invested in something we have so little control over.  But if I'm not all in emotionally I stand to lose a lot of good memories and joy to share with my child someday.  The next day I kept waiting for the phone to ring hoping our facilitator would call and tell us what L thought of us.   She said she really liked us and is happy her baby will grow up on a farm.  

I'm suddenly remembering how hard adoption was.  In retrospect it seems like adopting J was a piece of stress free cake.  It wasn't although it was easy compared to other stories I've heard.  But even when its easy, its still hard.  Our meeting was pretty relaxed and I think everyone was as comfortable as possible given the situation.  Our facilitator, I'll call her B, said I should bring a small gift.  So I spent about $15, got L some lotion, body wash and a facial scrub.  I included a coloring book, glitter crayons and a Minnie mouse book for the two girls she is parenting.  I also got a cute little flower pot, put a packet of flower seeds in it and filled the rest with candy.  She seemed happy and said her girls would love it.  Its hard buying a gift for a stranger that wants to give you her baby.  The whole situation is potentially awkward and strange if you think about it.  But I just pray and try to go with the flow knowing this is the plan God has for us.  

Yesterday when B called she told me that I should call L today and just say that I wanted to check in and it was nice meeting her the other night.  I did not want to do it very badly, I'm not good at making phone calls or small talk.  I warm up to people slowly, I'm just not overly friendly, more reserved usually.  So I spent most of the day stressing over it and when I finally did it was weird.  First she was confused about who I was, then acted like it wasn't really her, then when she realized who I was said oh sorry I saw your number and thought you were someone else.  Then she didn't seem to want to talk, just get off the phone quickly.  Maybe she was just busy or maybe she doesn't want to have that close of relationship.  I don't know.  This is so hard sometimes.  It really is like dating, wanting the other person to like you but not knowing or being comfortable enough to ask what they are thinking or how they really feel, just guessing and over analyzing everything.  All the time feeling pressured to be perfect because she has the power to take my dreams for the future away.  Making the whole thing worse I facebook stalked her before I called.  Of course a lot of her stuff is private but what I did see seems very different from the woman we met.  Adoption is a roller coaster sometimes.  We had ups and downs our first time around too.  I just need to stop worrying about everything.  We're taking J to the circus this weekend for the first time and I know he's going to love it.  If everything else falls apart I still have DH and J.  Not all my dreams for the future revolve around this new baby.  

Father help me to remember that my future is in Your hands and no one else.  You know the plans you have for me, I don't need to know them and I don't need to control them.  I trust You.  One step at a time. You have brought me this far and as hard as adoption can be, I know You chose this path for me for a reason.  Give me the strength and courage to emotionally invest and grow this relationship with my new friend L into what you desire it to be. 

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Big Day For Our Family!

Today is a big day for our little family.  First of all we had our home visit to finish our homestudy.  I have been cleaning and organizing like a mad woman for the past week and J has been working like crazy to undo all my efforts.  Since this is our second homestudy I understand that they don't care how clean the house is.  But I care, I don't want her thinking we live like pigs around here.  Even though we totally do, the house is always a mess and I hate dusting.  This home visit was good motivation for me to do some spring cleaning so I'm glad that can be crossed off the to do list now.  The meeting went great, this social worker is so much better than the last.  I felt like with our first homestudy, the agency social worker didn't like us or was always judging us.  This one is so friendly, seems to understand and have a lot in common with us and is just over all more pleasant.  So now our homestudy is done, we just have to wait for it to be written and approved which will take no longer than 30 days. 

In even bigger more exciting news.....we have already been matched with a expectant mom!  The facilitator we're working with has been showing our profile since early February.  With our first adoption I blogged about the process after the fact, so this time I'm trying to share it as we go.  Last Monday we got an email about a situation.  It sounded perfect for us.  While this is not the first situation that sounded good it was exactly what we were hoping for.  Local, actually a price we can afford, no drug or alcohol use, she has already had 4 healthy children and she has made an adoption plan before so this is not her first experience with adoption either.  Tonight we have our first meeting with her.  When we had our first meeting with J's birthparents I was so nervous.  I wanted nothing more than to get in the car and go home.  This time I have been more relaxed and laid back.  But I'm a little nervous.  I believe 100% that God's hand is in this so I completely trust that this will work out as He intends.  If we can't be ourselves then its not a good match anyway so I have no reason to be worried about impressing her.  Every thing worked out perfect with J's adoption and I know this one will too.  I'm excited and nervous but I keep telling myself I'm just going to make a new friend tonight.  Nothing to worry about :)

This is happening so much sooner than we planned.  I thought working privately with a small facilitator that getting a match would take longer.  We know people who worked with this group and waited a year and half with no match before moving on to work with someone else.  I thought we would just put our profile out there and patiently wait while we saved some money and if it never happened then J was meant to be an only child.  One thing this adoption seems to have in common with our first is that God just keeps giving me a little nudge, saying "just take this one step right now, don't worry about where the road leads".  So I take it one step at a time and before I know it I have one kid and now maybe two.  But its a good thing, I'm really excited about having another baby.  We only plan on two so this will make our family complete, at least I think so according to my plan.  Who knows what God's plan is for our family!

Friday, April 18, 2014

The Easy Roads

Some of you may have noticed that this blog has been hard to access lately.  I've always kept it sort of a secret from people I know in real life because I'm a private person and I am not quick to open up and share with people until I know they can be trusted.  I have shared this blog with only a few trusted friends.  Several months ago I made a mistake trusting it to someone I shouldn't have and I've made it private recently in hopes that person would stop reading and forget about it.  But I don't just write this as a journal for my own feelings, I want others to be able to relate to our adoption, infertility and life struggles and hopefully something I write will be meaningful to them.  That won't happen if no one can access it so I'm putting it back out there anyway and I won't censor what I write just because I'm afraid of who is reading it.
Here's whats been on my heart and in my prayers lately.  Hate.  Its not usually a feeling that I find overwhelming.  I'm generally pretty positive but recently its been trying to take its hold on me.  Life has been hard, we're financially struggling, J is acting like a two year old, gave up on my best friend and DH is constantly stressed and in a negative mood.  I've been praying for my own attitude and asking God how to deal with people when all I want to do is treat them they way I think they deserve.   Anger, hate, indifference, self centeredness - those are the easy roads to take.  The easy emotions to feel and express.  But God keeps telling me to take the hard road -  forgiveness, love, compassion, patience. Why God? They don't deserve it! 
Somewhere I read that hurting people are the ones that hurt others.  When someone one hurts you, its not their fault, they really just need love.  Last night I was reminded of Jesus and Peter.  Peter loved Jesus whole heartedly, gave up everything to follow Him.  And in the moment of truth, when it all mattered Peter said he didn't know Jesus, turned his back and left him out in the cold.  And he didn't just do it once, he did it three times.  I imagine Jesus was pretty hurt that a trusted friend would betray Him like that.  But maybe Peter was just scared and hurting too.  I bet Peter felt like a real jerk and a pretty bad friend, like He failed and let Jesus down when He needed him the most.  After He had risen, Jesus not only forgave Peter but He gave him a chance to make up for it in a way by asking Peter three times if he loved Him.  And Jesus wasn't all bitter and angry and act like "how can you say you love me now when three days ago you denied it?".  Instead he trusted Peter and sent him out to be a fisher of men because He knew Peters heart. 
I may not know another persons heart but God did command me to love my neighbor so maybe I shouldn't judge how people deserve to be treated and just love them anyway.