Tuesday, August 26, 2014

3 More Weeks

Baby #2 is arriving in three weeks!  I can't believe how fast time is going by.  I finally got a few baby things out and washed them up two days ago.  I've been super stressed out about this adoption the past couple weeks.  I thought things were going great with L but then we got an email from the lawyer just letting us know that she is taking a lot of pressure from her family to keep the baby but that she was committed to her decision.  I would have preferred they kept that info to themselves because all it did was stress me out.  Later that week I could not get through on her phone and she didn't contact me before the doctor appointment that was scheduled.  So I went to meet her there and she never showed up.  That all added up to me freaking out that she was changing her mind about going through with this.  We straightened it all out and she got a new phone number.  Her appointment was rescheduled for this week.  I made DH take off work and go with me for moral support, in case she didn't show or acted awkward like she didn't want to see me.  I was actually feeling pretty angry towards her and wondering how she could use us to fully financially support her and then change her mind.  I know she has a right to her decision but it would still make me mad.  So I had a prayerful heart to heart with God.  I didn't ask him to make everything ok and make her follow through with this adoption.  I've found that prayers asking for a specific outcome usually end up with me frustrated at God for not answering the way I wanted.  So instead, I asked Him to give her peace and comfort during this time, ease her pressure from family and take care of the baby.  Then I prayed that I would put all my worthless feelings of anger, worry and judgement towards her aside and just be the friend she needs right now, just be there for her in whatever way she wants and just love her for who she is.  And that prayer was immediately answered, I felt so much better.   She did show up and was just as friendly and nice as always.  The next day she had to go back for an ultrasound and I went to see the baby.  We had a good talk and she has started opening up more about her family.  I feel like we have developed a better relationship that I have with J's bmom.  This time is different in so many ways. 

BTW-  Baby is healthy and looks good, they measured him about 5 lbs and 7 oz today and he has 3 weeks to grow yet. 

Something I've been thinking about this week is adoption loss.  Everyone worries about going to the hospital and walking out empty handed because the birthmom changed her mind.  It is real and although it hasn't happened yet to me, I feel for those who have experienced it.  These past couple weeks when I was sure she was going to change her mind, I started to feel like I did when I had my miscarriage.  I cried almost every day, developed my eye twitch that only happens when I'm super stressed and have been short on patience with everyone.  The worst part is always that its hard to talk about because no one understands.  People have asked me if I'm really that attached, its not like he's been growing in my belly, we can just move on to the next situation and a different baby right?  No people, no, I can not just let him go and wait for a different baby.  I've been thinking about him for 6 months, I've been making plans for him, imagining what he'll look like, thinking about him and J playing together in a few years, wondering what kind of man he'll grow up to be, I've seen him on the ultrasound, we named him.  He has a name, OUR name.  So if this doesn't work out, don't act like its no big deal.  If she keeps this baby, it will be a very big deal to me.  I respect her right to make her decisions and I can't imagine what she's going to feel if she does follow through with this adoption.  But my heart is all in this too.