Monday, March 29, 2010

Am I Still Waiting?

I've been thinking seriously on my blog title lately. I'm not so sure I'm "waiting" for anything anymore. Sure I have my days but its not like my life is ceasing to continue until I get the desire of my heart. And some days I'm not so sure that a baby is the desire of my heart, nor should it be. Isn't Jesus suppose to be the desire of our hearts? On a message board recently someone posted about "IF points". The purpose of this little game is to remind yourself that there are positive aspects of living a child free life. Everytime something comes up that would be more difficult if you had children, infertility gets a point. So yesterday when I saw my very pregnant SIL lugging around a huge diaper bag and a kid, I thought "I'm glad I don't have all that weighing me down" so there's a point for IF. I think DH and I could live happily ever after just the two of us. We have freedom to do what we want when we want, go where we want whenever, spend our money on whatever we want. It might not be so bad living childless. So I'm not "waiting" for God to give me the child I ask for, He's giving me so much else instead and I need to focus on that. BUT that doesn't mean I wouldn't give it all up in a second to have a baby. I'm just trying to make the most of what I do have right now. Life is still pretty good and I am thankful for that.

If anyone is interested in reading my farm/homemaking blog, send me an email and I'll give you a link. I prefer to keep it separate from this one for personal reasons.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Easter Celebration

Today we celebrated Easter with my family. My SIL didn't show up until we were almost ready to leave but I instantly felt bitter as soon as she walked in with her big old pregnant belly. This morning in church someone I went to school with sat behind us with her two kids and big old pregnant belly. DH's cousin who is much younger than us had a baby girl on Friday. DH's brother who doesn't even have a serious girlfriend will be a daddy in a few months. Its one of the those days. Bitterness, anger, pain, frustration, why isn't it me? Will it ever be me? *Sigh* This kind of thinking gets me nowhere.

On a somewhat related note, our church is looking for "mentors" or people to get to know the new members in our chuch and be there to answer questions for them and encourage them to attend regularly and be active members. Our church is predominantly old, DH and I are probably that youngest members that attend regularly. This year DH was nominated to be an elder, which he happily accepted because he's always happy to serve. Several of the new members are our age so we felt like we should be their mentors. We're stable and somewhat mature in our faith, DH is in a leadership position, we're ideal candidates to be their mentors and friends. My problem is that most of these young couples have kids and I don't necessarily want to befriend people my age and younger with kids. Is that terrible of me or what? But we're going to do it, I'm going to get over myself and my pain and serve God and my church in the way I feel called to do. Reluctant obedience is better than not obeying Him, right? Who knows, with a little prayer maybe I could even serve with a joyful heart.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I'm bad at this

Wow, I'm not a very good blogger! Nearly another month has passed and I've hardly written. I've decided to make this blog my IF and personal feelings only. All of my farm related posts I'll be adding on to our website. The reason is because people in real life want to keep up with our farm stories but I don't want them reading the personal stuff. I can barely keep up with one blog, how will I manage two? Soon it will be summer and I won't be working at the preschool so hopefully I'll have more time.

I'm really trying to get back into working out and losing some more weight. I've been working on the couch to 5k running plan this week. I've done it several times before but then I get lazy. Since the weather is nice I've got the work out part down but I'm still having a tough time getting back to eating healthier. I have such a sweet tooth I just can't control it most days. And now with all the Easter candy....yikes!

One day about a week ago my brother and SIL had us over for dinner. We suspected there was a reason because there is ALWAYS a reason with them. Turns out they are writing a will and want to put in it that DH and I get the kids if God forbid, anything ever happened to both of them. BUT they aren't really comfortable with it because we hardly ever see them even though they are less than 5 miles away. I feel good that they would consider us their best option and guilty because they are right, we don't spend much time with them. I wouldn't want to leave my child to someone who is practically a stranger to him either. But its SO hard for us to be around their happy little family. When they found out about our IF they always said if there is anything they can do to let them know. I can't imagine what they could possibly do except stop making me watch their happy little family continue to grow. I sort of wonder if they think they are "helping" by making us play with my nephew more. You all know how people say "well if you ever need a kid fix, you can have mine for a while!". Like babysitting someone else's kids is suppose to heal all the pain and longing we infertiles suffer. Fertile people will NEVER understand how playing with their kids only makes us feel worse. We did agree to make more of an effort to spend time with our nephew and soon to be niece. It sucks but its the right thing for us to do. There are times to protect myself from pain (i.e. babyshowers) and times to get over myself, grow up and do what's best for someone else (in this case my nephew).

DH is now taking herbs also. His is "Jing Qi" made by Golden Flower Chinese Herbs. Our acupuncturist has apparently diagnosed him with Kidney Yin Deficiency. So I was doing some research on TCM and this particular diagnosis. I'm amazed at how many symptoms DH has! From what I've read he needs to drink more water, eat less spicy food, have more sex and keep "the goods" cool. He's been taking the herbs for about 3 weeks now and I asked if he's noticed any difference. He did say that he doesn't have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night as much. So maybe the herbs will help correct his yin deficiency and help his sperm quality. We know now that his numbers are not impossible to change, there is hope for normal numbers. But I don't want to get my hopes too high because a while ago DH was going for acu every two weeks and it didn't seem to help, although he was taking clomid at the time and that was disasterous for his numbers.

Our plan is to try these herbs for three months and get another SA done at the urology lab. I've said for a long time that our RE is an IVF salesman and I'm convinced his lab is super strict so that he can further his IVF sales. So we'll have an SA done at a different lab and see if there is a difference. Depending on the results we are considering doing another IUI at another clinic. This would require a 3 hour drive but if they will work with me we could hopefully drive down for the day 12 u/s and day 14 iui. We could make it a mini vacation and stay for a couple days. My body has always been right on schedule and predictible when on meds. We'll see how the SA turns out first though. DH has usually has much worse counts when the weather heats up. If the SA is bad we will just wait until next winter. January seems forever away but time goes by fast. And who knows, God could bless us with a miracle at any time!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I'm Still Here

Wow its been a long time since I've posted! I have been really busy with our remodeling project, our animals and my new job. The weather is starting to get nice so I've taken every opportunity to get out and walk the dog. No recent weight loss, my diet has been suffering also. Though I haven't gained so that's good. We found out today that my SIL is having a girl. It was the last thing I was holding on to, the dream that I would give our family the first little girl. I thought since I am the little girl that I had that right. I was preparing for this because I knew God wasn't through breaking me yet. It has always felt like a competition between me and my SIL. Looks like she won the final event. I'm disappointed but also feel relieved the game is over. Of course when the baby gets here my heart will break in a million pieces all over again. Thank goodness Dr. Jesus is on stand by. The only One that can truly put it back together better than before it was broke. He's so much more than a band aid! I was determined not to cry over this but as soon as DH called I fell apart. Looks like its time for me to do some work in the ol' spiritual garden. I better roll up my sleeves, get some dirt on this tear stained face and make room for my faith to grow, painful though it may be.