Friday, July 30, 2010

Life On The Other Side

I always thought that getting to the other side of infertility meant I would have a baby. Now I feel like I'm on the other side even though my arms are still empty. Its a weird place to be. I can't really relate to those who have babies but yet I no longer relate to those going through treatments and struggling with their infertility. Although I understand the pain I just don't connect with it anymore. I feel my world has become smaller because now I'm in a small group of complete as two, yet at the same time I feel so much more freedom. Freedom to openly love my niece and nephew without jealousy, freedom to say with sincerity we are no longer seeking children to fulfill us, freedom to plan my time and schedule as I choose and not depending on my cycle and the freedom to enjoy life without feeling like something is missing. Infertility does not define who I am anymore. I honestly feel like infertility is behind me. A year ago I would have despaired over accepting a childless life, now I'm embracing it.

I understand if I lose followers because I may be hard to relate to now days. I have to confess that I stop reading blogs when someone achieves pregnancy. Even those I've been following for a long time. While I'm happy for them, its just too hard to keep reading. I'm just not strong enough yet to read about someone else's pregnancy without letting jealousy over take me. My progress with my SIL is huge for me right now. We just went on a 4 day vacation with my family. I held my niece for hours every day we were gone and I'm so in love. She may not be mine but I've bonded with her in a way I never did the daycare kids. When we got home I actually missed having her around. Times like those I realize my desire to be a mommy is not gone and I've not given up. I've just accepted that I have time to wait. Time to wait for God to fulfill his plan for me. Time to enjoy what He's given me today and trusting that He will give me what I need when the time is right. Patiently waiting is not as hard as it used to be. I'm so happy with my new job right now that I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I was led here very specifically by God's guiding hand. I've wanted this job for 5 years, I never really pursued it but God has provided. His hand has been so clear the whole time, slow though it may have seemed. I may not know why but I'm very content to enjoy what I have and waiting for whatever He has in store. I know it will be worth the wait. I'm coming to understand just how slow God's timing is by our standards but just right by His. I still think He will give us a baby someday. I'm not always sure that's what I want anymore which is all the more reason to put it in His hands. So "While I'm Waiting" I will worship, I will praise, I will sing, I will dance, I will rejoice, I may cry, I might get jealous sometimes, my heart might break, we may have trials and my cup may runeth over but the important part is that while I'm waiting I will rejoice in the blessings AND sorrows I have today and tomorrow I will wake up and do the same; the next day I will do the same thing until one day I wake up with the Lord himself and on that day I will finally have what we are all waiting for.

Monday, July 19, 2010

This Little Light of Mine......

I hope I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Have you ever known anyone that you just know has Jesus in their heart? Not by the things they do or the things they say but just because you can see their little light shining? Its such a sweet little song for kids to sing but it took me 24 years to understand. About 2 years ago I met someone and it was the first time I knew what it meant to let your light shine. She wasn't a saint and far from perfect but there was just something about her that told you she had the love of Christ in her heart. Soon after that I also found my acupuncturist and noticed it in her too. Its been a while now since I've come across anyone like that. I'm surrounded by nice people who are good people and do good things but I just haven't seen it. Since I met this friend it has become my desire to let my little light shine for everyone. I never even knew I had a little light but with this new found peace and joy, I've also found my light. You suppose you can see your own light? How do I know if mine is shining? Or if its shining bright enough?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Happy To Be An Auntie

Tomorrow is my niece's baptism and I'm actually excited to spend some time with her. In fact I'm a little upset there will be so many people there and I won't get to hold her the whole time. Sometimes I think people feel sorry for me and let me hold babies for a long time just cause they know I can't have my own. No thanks, I'll pass on the pity but I'll take more time with niece. As Godparents we bought her this tiny little white bible with her name on it and its just so precious. I never thought I'd be here, this place where I'm okay with the fact that we won't have kids and that I can enjoy my SIL's kids. Wow, praise the Lord for being a changer of hearts. Surely if He can change my heart, he can change anyone's heart. There is hope that someday He will change DH's family's hearts as they are not Christians nor baptized.

I've been working a lot this week and still loving my new job. Sometimes I often come home happier than when I left. I think its that whole fake it til you make it thing because I have to be nice and cheerful to customers so I think it actually becomes real happiness after a while. Plus as I've said before I am really happy and peaceful these days. God is so good to us and His grace really is sufficient. How did it take me 26 years to find such a joyful place in my heart?

Monday, July 5, 2010

What's wrong with not having kids?

I just want to thank everyone for their prayers the past few days. I could definitely feel them working. I had a terrible day Friday when the baby was born, just feeling sorry for myself. The next morning I woke up feeling so much better thanks to all your prayers. We didn't see the baby until Sunday morning when they were all settled back in at home. I think not going to the hospital helped. She's an adorable little thing but as I was holding her it just wasn't the same as when my nephew was born 18 months ago. The longing and heartbreak just wasn't there this time. I sat there for a long time trying to decide if I really want a baby or not. I do but at the same time I don't. I like my life with DH the way it is and I'm not so sure I want it to change. On the other hand I really have a mommy's heart and I can't deny that. When I think of living a life without children I can accept it and even look forward to it now but it makes me sad that that is the new reality. I almost cried because I wasn't that jealous of my SIL having a new baby. Thursday I cried because I was jealous. What a confusing mess of emotions I am these days as I come to a new level of faith and understanding. I really feel I am ready to let go of my mommy dreams but I still feel like I'm mourning the loss of them.

With a new baby in the family we are once again getting the questions about what we are doing to have a baby and of course the "why don't you adopt?" questions. I'm feeling pressured to have kids again now just because my SIL is. Why do DH and I have to have kids? Everyone acts like we are not normal or like we're just giving up because we had a m/c a year and a half ago. One and 1/2 years ago, wow time does fly! But its not giving up, its moving on and no one seems to understand that. What's wrong with not having kids? Its not like we chose this path all our own, its just the way God has led us. Its not like I expect fertiles to understand but they could at least keep their mouths shut. I know they mean well but let it go already, I have. Its not something I get to choose like everyone else in the world. We tried everything we could, enough is enough. And why don't we just adopt? Because it just doesn't feel right for us at this time. Why isn't that a good enough answer? Children do not define who DH and I are and it does not determine the completeness of us. We are Complete as Two, until God decides otherwise.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Proud To Be An American

Happy Birthday America! All my life I always said "sure I'm proud to be an American, I guess" but I never really understood it or felt it until recently. For anyone who wants to read a good book, I strongly suggest "5000 year leap, the miracle that changed the world". It is awesome and opened my eyes to what America really was intended to be. And boy have we messed it up over time. Our founding fathers had so much insight and when you learn what good Christian men they were it will blow you away. Nothing like what we were taught in school or what culture tells us today. Discover the truth for yourselves. Our pastor gave an awesome sermon today regarding our county and how God has blessed us with our constitution and bill of rights. If only we go back and look at the original documents and back to the basics of how our government was intended to be and so many of our problems would be solved. I used to not care about politics or government but once my eyes were opened to what is going on, how can you not care about it?! If we just sit back and let corruption in Washington D.C. go on like it is, then our freedom is gone for sure. Lots of people think that can't and won't happen but if you pay attention and use a little common sense its obvious just how close we are to loosing our freedoms and way of life.

Last winter I started watching the "American Heritage Series" with David Barton. It is amazing the history we were never taught about the faith and biblical principles our country was founded on. I noticed the other day that one of those churchy channels on direct tv is playing the series right now. Check out Educate yourself, you'll be amazed what you'll find! Appreciate America for what it truly was and was intended to be, not for what it has become.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Last night as I was getting settled in bed I heard on the radio, "God does not bring rain without greener grass."

SIL had her baby today, its harder than I thought and I haven't even been to the hospital to see them yet. Last time with her #1 I still thought we were going to eventually have our own kids. This time I know we're not and it hurts even more. My heart is breaking while at the same time I'm filled with bitterness and jealousy. Praying the Lord will help me rid myself of these evil emotions and replace them with joy and thanksgiving.

Today its raining. Hoping to see greener grass soon.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

The new WHO standards

I just had to post this for anyone else with MFI. There are new WHO standards for semen analysis out. They are now have lower levels considered normal. If they keep lowering them DH will be normal soon! This is based on studies and averages so I'm going to guess that men are generally having decreased fertility over time. Anyway this only leads me to more frustration. Even at DH's lowest point, he's still not that far from normal SO WHY CAN'T I GET PG!?! Not that I'm sure I want to, like I said earlier I just want to be able to. Okay I'm lying to myself, I would like to have a baby. There I said it, I'm trying to accept life as two but in my heart I'd still love a baby. Ask me again when I'm not PMSing and surrounded by babies being born and I may change my answer. Here's the link to Dr. Liccardi's blog if your interested in reading more about the new WHO standards.

The Moment I Have NOT Been Waiting For....

....has arrived. My SIL is going to the hospital tonight and by noon tomorrow the first grand-daughter will be here and she won't be mine. So far I'm doing okay and trying to be strong. I'm still convinced I don't want kids but as soon as I hold her, I'll remember that I do want a little girl more than anything and my heart will break. DH's brother is about to have a baby girl too and the other night I got really upset (PMS most likely) and just started bawling. When DH was trying to talk to me and make me feel better I said "I don't want to have a baby, I just want to be ABLE to!" The truth comes out I guess cause there it is. So many people get to choose these things but not me. My SIL is even choosing her baby's birthday by voluntary induction (which I don't agree with and question the doctor as she's not due for several days and is having no problems). But I can't even choose whether or not I get to have a baby, much less on what day. (Sigh) .... life is so unfair. I could sure use some prayers to get me through this week.