Sunday, July 27, 2014

Why is open adoption hard to understand?

Here's a quick summary of what's new......James had his second birthday last weekend.  We spent the weekend with his birth parents.  We hadn't seen them for almost a year but everything went great.  I'm not even really sure what to say because its so much like visiting any other part of our family that its not really news worthy.  So many people don't understand open adoption or the relationship we have with them.  I heard so many times from friends and family "oh you have to go see them for his birthday?"  And the answer is no we don't have to, we are choosing to because we want to.  We don't just do it because we are suppose to or because its the right thing to do or because its the best thing for James.  We do it because we want to. The other question I've been asked a lot is "does he recognize them?"  Recognize them as what?  His mom and dad?  The people who conceived him?  How would he recognize them as anything other than extended family or friends we see occasionally?  Until he gets old enough to understand the adoption process he's not going to think of them as his first parents.  He might always have a special connection to them but for now he's so friendly with everyone that I couldn't really tell a difference.  They are not our enemy, I'm not threatened by them  or afraid that he will grow up wishing they were his parents instead of me.  There are so many people that think adopted children grow up longing for their birth parents and resenting their adoptive parents but I have personally met several adoptees and they all have said their adoptive parents are their parents in every way.  They even appreciate them more so because they were chosen and loved by them in a special way.  Seriously why do so many naive people, including family, act like I'm a second rate parent?  I won't even get started on that rant.

As far as baby #2 to goes, the drama continues.  They have helped her get food stamps and some other local assistance that has eased our burden of fully supporting her financially.  Although it is still costing us so much in birth parent expenses that its frightening.  We should still end up spending about the same as our first adoption though.  I was getting really upset feeling like she was only using this for the financial benefit but since having a talk with our facilitator and L herself, I do feel a little better about helping her out.  We just believe in the "hand up not a hand out" theory and it was really starting to feel like we were just giving her a free ride and that was upsetting to us.  We really do want to see her end up in a better place after she has the baby and now I feel like we're making a difference.  She recently got her own place and both her daughters are starting school this year so she should be able to find work after she has the baby.  The new dramatic twist is that the birth father is back in the picture and is apparently a dangerous guy with dangerous connections.  That was one of the reasons for her getting her own place, so he couldn't find her. He's not in favor of this adoption but I don't for see him contesting the adoption legally because he will not want to draw attention to himself.  But I have had night mares about him hunting us down looking for his child.   Night mares that always result in death.  So needless to say I'm a little freaked out by who he is.  DH made the mistake of giving my parents the details and now they are asking us to get out and let someone else have this child.  But how could I do that when I feel like God called us to this situation.  A good friend reminded me that maybe its just Satan trying to scare us away from this path.  That made a lot of sense to me since its been one thing after another causing me doubts.  Really if we adopt this baby it will become part of God's family and if we don't it will more easily be another soul for Satan to claim, so of course he's trying to stop us from adopting this baby.  At least that's what I tell myself. 

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