Tuesday, June 7, 2011

What's New?

Its been over a month since I've updated this blog, time goes by so fast it seems. So what's new? Well I have to say not much. I always hate when people ask that question because it seems there is nothing new, at least that other people would care about. It seems all I do these days is go to work, come home, take the dogs for a walk and then work around the house and garden until my early bedtime. Then I get up the next day and do the same thing. I just don't live an exciting dramatic life. Honestly, its pretty lame. But there is some comfort and stablility in the routine lameness that is my life.

Lately it seems I have seen so many of my online infertile friends move on. Move on to pregnancy or adoption. I purposely stay away from reading blogs of those who are just beginning their infertility journey because it hurts to see them move on so quickly. But now seeing my fellow infertility veterans move on leaves me wondering if my role is set. Perhaps I will be that small percent that never has children biologically or through adoption. Am I okay with that? Most of the time yes but it doesn't make the feelings of being left out go away. But it makes sense that I would eventually come to this point of the road. First my real life friends moved on without me, then countless cyber friends and now several of my good old trusted veterans. Of course I'm happy for them, I wouldn't wish for any of them to be left behind with me. I just can't help feeling sorry for myself. But before the pity party goes on too long, I come to my senses and realize I don't really care that much to have children anymore. So maybe I'm moving on to. The only reason I don't feel great about that is because I didn't exactly choose the path of living childless. If I could have kids I would. And then comes the question, why don't you just adopt? Well I don't know why exactly but anyone who can have children doesn't seem to understand its not that simple. Adoption is a calling and I just don't feel it. And I feel guilty because all these children need good homes and I just don't feel God calling me to give them one. Its not like I would say no if He dropped one on my doorstep and asked me to give the child a home but I just don't feel led to actively pursue adoption. And while I'm sitting here in this childless stand still, I'm very aware that time is going by and I'm not getting any younger. So I just turned 27 last week and I KNOW its not that old. Plenty of people don't even get married until they are my age and I probably have a good 5-10 year window of opportunity here before I'd really consider myself too old to have children. But I feel so much older, I already feel too old to have children. I know I've blogged about that before but I just don't know how to explain it.

There is some comfort in the fact that my life does seem to be going according to God's plan. I've said several times over the past year how my career opportunities keep getting practically handed to me without my asking. That is true again. I was specially selected to go to a training that will hopefully help me get a new position that will open the way to further advancement which = more money, benefits and stability. The postal service is going broke and making a lot of changes to try to save themselves. Changes which include a lot of people losing their jobs. But not me, I didn't ask for this yet here it is and it would be stupid to say no. But I've never wanted a career. I've only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. When I was talking to my mother about this she said that God is helping me out again by giving me this new opportunity. And I said, well I don't know why because I didn't ask for it and I don't even want to work. But I know this is part of His plan and the best thing for me to do is to keep going where He leads me and be thankful for blessings and opportunities that I receive. Everyone has to make a decision at some point between giving family or career a higher priority. I always have and always will choose family. I would give up my career in a second to have my little family. But I guess I'm one of the few that has had that decision made for me. As each month passes, I feel more and more certain there are no babies or surprise pregnancies in my future. It looks more and more like I will live the rest of my days childless. Half the time DH and I don't even have sex when I'm fertile anymore. But when your chance of conception rounds down to 0%, does it really matter?

But God has a plan and I believe I'm following it. Its just hard to accept a plan that is so opposite of my own. I have faith though that His plan will ultimately make me happier than anything I could have planned for myself. Until then I just keep plugging along, taking it one day at a time. Not really unhappy but not exactly living life to its fullest either.

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