Saturday, April 23, 2011


First an update about Ellie.....she is reinforcing my thoughts that having children is just too much work! I don't know how mother's do it. I love her to pieces already but she cries all night when we put her in her kennel for bed. Finally after 2 hours DH usually gets up and sleeps next to her kennel and then she is quiet. I know its not helping the situation but we need to sleep too! Tonight we are going to try moving her kennel into our room. It won't help when we leave her home but if it helps at night I'll be happy enough. She's had a few accidents in the house but is doing really well with potty training. And other than the bedding in her kennel, she hasn't destroyed anything yet. So she isn't a terrible puppy but I just wish she would let us sleep at night. These past few days have me almost fearful of a surprise BFP. I'm afraid I would be a terrible mother. I'm just not sure I'm even willing to make the necessary sacrifices anymore. If taking care of a new puppy is so stressful, I can't imagine a real baby. I feel like the days of being young and excited about starting a family are past, like I'm too old for it even though I'm only 26. My life is going in a different direction now and I'm okay with it. There are still painful moments but the truth is I'm not sure I want a family. If my fairy Godmother came and said I could have one wish, I'm not sure I'd wish for a baby anymore. I don't know what I would wish for but I really don't think that would be it.

So its Easter weekend and we're getting together with my family. Now that I've been blogging for over a year its interesting to look back and see where I was a year ago. I'm in such a different place now. Last Easter I was bitter and angry towards my SIL because she was expecting my niece. Now while I still don't enjoy family get togethers, I don't hate them either. I'm just rather indifferent towards them.

We've been going to church services this week for Holy Week. I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of Easter and how important it is if your a Christian. Many people only go to church on Easter and Christmas but I really feel those people are missing something. Our pastor gave a very interesting sermon about how Easter and Christmas are not the most meaningful or miraculous days in the church year. On Christmas our Savior was born but what's the big deal really? Babies are born everyday and then He was just another baby, its the most natural thing in the world. The real miracle was the incarnation, where Jesus left His throne in heaven and came down and became one of us in Mary's womb. That is the miracle of Christmas, not that a baby was born. Easter is much the same way. The real miracle is Good Friday, not Easter Sunday. On Easter Jesus rose from the dead. Is that a miracle? Lazarus was raised from the dead too. That's a miracle but we don't celebrate the day Lazarus rose. The real miracle of Easter is that Jesus willingly died for us. He could have stopped the whole thing any time.....but He didn't. He knew He had to do it because He loves us so much. There would be no Easter without Good Friday. I can't put it as eloquently as our pastor did but it really makes you think.

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