Lilypie - Third Birthday

Saturday, May 5, 2012

November 2011 - The Decision

Instead of a super long post about all that has happened the last few months I'm going to drag it out and get you all caught up a little at a time.  When I left off last October I intended to end this blog.  So many of you were bringing home your babies or had them on the way that I just couldn't deal with it anymore.  It was sucking me into this dark place where I felt sorry for myself and where I felt stuck because there was no baby in my future.  I thought DH and I were going to live happily ever after just the two of us, child free.  We even were looking at buying an acreage and put in an offer.  We were super excited about moving out of town and out of our current house.  But God had different plans.  In November, which is adoption month, He really started working on my heart.  As I was sorting the mail one day I noticed an article about adoption on the cover of a Christian magazine.  Okay so I know I'm not suppose to read anyone's mail but I couldn't help it, I turned to the page about adoption.  Boy I wish I hadn't.  I was so mad when I finished reading that.  It was about how infertile couples should not accept life without children.  God made us to have families and there are other ways to grow that family than by giving birth to babies.  Some do foster care, some do volunteer work in church or other kid's groups, some are regular babysitters and some adopt.  So here in this one little innocent article about adoption God was calling me out.  He was telling me that my vowing to live child free was not how I was created to live.  I was using it as a way of protecting myself and maybe I was acting a bit childish myself saying "if you don't give me children the way I want, then I'm not having any at all!"  Geesh, what a crybaby I am! 

So DH and I started talking about adoption again.  We had talked about it before and DH has always been open to it.  It was always me saying I wasn't against it but I just wasn't sure it was right for us.  There is so much scrutiny, I didn't want social workers looking over my shoulder judging me, it wouldn't be the same as having biological kids, it was soooo much paperwork and personal information involved, and it costs a lot of money.  It was just too much trouble to adopt.  But in the end I came around to the point where I agreed to start doing some research into agencies in our area.  I still wasn't on board with adoption but I agreed to take a baby step in that direction.  In the end the acreage didn't work out because the seller didn't want to take our offer and we weren't willing to pay her asking price.  We could have afforded it but then I would be tied to my job for several more years just so we could afford the payments.  I wasn't ready to give up my dream of being a stay at home mom someday so we chose to stay in the house we're in.  We decided to spend that money we had for the down payment on adoption instead. 

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