We met our new future birth mom this week and I really liked her. She is so cute and funny. I wrote before that I was trying not to be nervous, like I was just going to make a new friend but DH had a better way of putting it. He said it was like a being set up on a blind date. We didn't know much about her, brought a small gift we had to guess she might like, and then had dinner while trying to make small talk and get to know each other. All the way home I kept asking DH "do you think she liked us? Do you think it went well?". And when we got home I cried to DH because this is just so hard sometimes. Its hard to be emotionally invested in something we have so little control over. But if I'm not all in emotionally I stand to lose a lot of good memories and joy to share with my child someday. The next day I kept waiting for the phone to ring hoping our facilitator would call and tell us what L thought of us. She said she really liked us and is happy her baby will grow up on a farm.
I'm suddenly remembering how hard adoption was. In retrospect it seems like adopting J was a piece of stress free cake. It wasn't although it was easy compared to other stories I've heard. But even when its easy, its still hard. Our meeting was pretty relaxed and I think everyone was as comfortable as possible given the situation. Our facilitator, I'll call her B, said I should bring a small gift. So I spent about $15, got L some lotion, body wash and a facial scrub. I included a coloring book, glitter crayons and a Minnie mouse book for the two girls she is parenting. I also got a cute little flower pot, put a packet of flower seeds in it and filled the rest with candy. She seemed happy and said her girls would love it. Its hard buying a gift for a stranger that wants to give you her baby. The whole situation is potentially awkward and strange if you think about it. But I just pray and try to go with the flow knowing this is the plan God has for us.
Yesterday when B called she told me that I should call L today and just say that I wanted to check in and it was nice meeting her the other night. I did not want to do it very badly, I'm not good at making phone calls or small talk. I warm up to people slowly, I'm just not overly friendly, more reserved usually. So I spent most of the day stressing over it and when I finally did it was weird. First she was confused about who I was, then acted like it wasn't really her, then when she realized who I was said oh sorry I saw your number and thought you were someone else. Then she didn't seem to want to talk, just get off the phone quickly. Maybe she was just busy or maybe she doesn't want to have that close of relationship. I don't know. This is so hard sometimes. It really is like dating, wanting the other person to like you but not knowing or being comfortable enough to ask what they are thinking or how they really feel, just guessing and over analyzing everything. All the time feeling pressured to be perfect because she has the power to take my dreams for the future away. Making the whole thing worse I facebook stalked her before I called. Of course a lot of her stuff is private but what I did see seems very different from the woman we met. Adoption is a roller coaster sometimes. We had ups and downs our first time around too. I just need to stop worrying about everything. We're taking J to the circus this weekend for the first time and I know he's going to love it. If everything else falls apart I still have DH and J. Not all my dreams for the future revolve around this new baby.
Father help me to remember that my future is in Your hands and no one else. You know the plans you have for me, I don't need to know them and I don't need to control them. I trust You. One step at a time. You have brought me this far and as hard as adoption can be, I know You chose this path for me for a reason. Give me the strength and courage to emotionally invest and grow this relationship with my new friend L into what you desire it to be.