Some of you may have noticed that this blog has been hard to access lately. I've always kept it sort of a secret from people I know in real life because I'm a private person and I am not quick to open up and share with people until I know they can be trusted. I have shared this blog with only a few trusted friends. Several months ago I made a mistake trusting it to someone I shouldn't have and I've made it private recently in hopes that person would stop reading and forget about it. But I don't just write this as a journal for my own feelings, I want others to be able to relate to our adoption, infertility and life struggles and hopefully something I write will be meaningful to them. That won't happen if no one can access it so I'm putting it back out there anyway and I won't censor what I write just because I'm afraid of who is reading it.
Here's whats been on my heart and in my prayers lately. Hate. Its not usually a feeling that I find overwhelming. I'm generally pretty positive but recently its been trying to take its hold on me. Life has been hard, we're financially struggling, J is acting like a two year old, gave up on my best friend and DH is constantly stressed and in a negative mood. I've been praying for my own attitude and asking God how to deal with people when all I want to do is treat them they way I think they deserve. Anger, hate, indifference, self centeredness - those are the easy roads to take. The easy emotions to feel and express. But God keeps telling me to take the hard road - forgiveness, love, compassion, patience. Why God? They don't deserve it!
Somewhere I read that hurting people are the ones that hurt others. When someone one hurts you, its not their fault, they really just need love. Last night I was reminded of Jesus and Peter. Peter loved Jesus whole heartedly, gave up everything to follow Him. And in the moment of truth, when it all mattered Peter said he didn't know Jesus, turned his back and left him out in the cold. And he didn't just do it once, he did it three times. I imagine Jesus was pretty hurt that a trusted friend would betray Him like that. But maybe Peter was just scared and hurting too. I bet Peter felt like a real jerk and a pretty bad friend, like He failed and let Jesus down when He needed him the most. After He had risen, Jesus not only forgave Peter but He gave him a chance to make up for it in a way by asking Peter three times if he loved Him. And Jesus wasn't all bitter and angry and act like "how can you say you love me now when three days ago you denied it?". Instead he trusted Peter and sent him out to be a fisher of men because He knew Peters heart.
I may not know another persons heart but God did command me to love my neighbor so maybe I shouldn't judge how people deserve to be treated and just love them anyway.