Lilypie - Third Birthday

Monday, August 13, 2012

Reality

How has it been over two weeks since my last post?  I can't believe J is almost a month old already.  Most new mom's will post about how much they love their child and how being a parent is so amazing and maybe that's true for them.  Don't judge but I'm gonna be real here.  Life is so different and its definitely been hard to adjust.  I think that the this would have been much easier years ago.  I think couples need some time together after they are married before having kids right away but 8 years is way too long.  We are too set in our routine and our life together.  Its been a really hard change for me to make.  Although I'm surprised at how little sleep I can function on and what a huge difference an hour nap can make.  But I struggle with patience.  I feel like being a mom comes naturally as far as caring for J and his needs but to be totally honest, love and patience are not coming easy.  I know this may sound bad but I haven't loved J as instantly and intensely as I expected to.  Don't misunderstand - I do love him but there have been nights where he's been fussy and I've thought that maybe I'm just not good at this or maybe we should have just lived child free.  And maybe if the bparents changed their minds and wanted him back I would be okay with it.  Wow, I feel guilty just admitting that.  I've read about bonding and adoption issues but I didn't realize it was so real.  I keep thinking if I had given birth and had hormones running through me that bonding would be easier.  I've always loved babies but J came into our house and totally disrupted my life in a way that I knew I should expect but didn't quite realize.  This week has been better now that I'm accepting my new life and and getting to know J better.  I don't really want to give him back, I really do love him and want to keep him in our family.  Its just taking more time that I thought.  I guess cause I read all these blogs about women who have children after infertility or adopt and they all say its the greatest thing ever and so worth everything.   I feel so guilty for not being immensely happy or overjoyed with my new motherhood.  Let me be the first to say that its not all that great at first for everyone.  Sometimes it takes time to bond with a new little one and going from working 8 hours a day and then having free time in the evening and weekends to just working full time around the clock according to someone else's needs.....its just not that easy.   But this is still what I want, I just need to get over my selfishness. 

I keep thinking that maybe another part of the reason I haven't been able to bond with J as much as I thought I would is because bmom is still very present in our life.  In the past month, only one day has passed when she did not text me several times a day.  I love bmom but its like she is constantly reminding me that she is J's mom, not me.  I know its not her intention but it makes me feel like I'm still just babysitting someone else's child.  We had originally planned our first visit to be 3 weeks after J's birth when DH and I would be in their city for a wedding.  But bmom was having a hard time and so I offered to meet sooner if she thought it would help.  So when J was 10 days old we met them half way and spent the day together.  Everyone wonders what our meetings are like and I say its just like hanging out with friends.  No one understands how that can be in a situation like this but its true.  Even if J wasn't there we could still hang out and have fun together.  We couldn't have asked for better bparents.  The difference right now is that she needs lots of contact to heal and move on and I need space to bond and form our new family.  After our first visit she started texting me less.  Still every day but often only one or two texts instead of several or all day long.  Even though she said she cried all the way home and it was still really hard, I think it helped.  I've read other bmoms write that after the first visit the child they start to see the child more as the adoptive couple's child and less like their own.  We saw them again this past weekend when we went to the wedding.  Again it was just like hanging out with friends, we're so comfortable together.  However, as J is growing and his needs are changing I can see how bmom doesn't really know how to meet his needs.  In the hospital he was so easy because all he did was eat, then sleep.  Now he's awake more, he is having lots of gas problems which make him fussy and he often fights falling asleep when he's tired.  Normal baby stuff but to someone who doesn't know what that he likes his little bottom patted, likes to be held a certain way or bounced in a certain way, it can be frustrating.  And as his mommy I do know what he likes but I'm  not sure if I should sound bossy by telling her how to hold him and what to do or if I should just let her do her own thing with him.  But I found it very frustrating because she would always say he needs to eat and then feed him an ounce and let him fall asleep.  I don't want a snacker baby who needs to eat every hour and she wasted a lot of formula - very frustrating because J is on Nutramigen, one of the most expensive out there.  But I was so afraid of offending her and sounding bossy that I didn't say anything.  It was only for one night.  After we got home yesterday she texted me how good it was to see us and that they are so thankful that they can be part of our family.  I was surprised she said "our" family,  it made it seem like she is starting to see J as ours.  Which helps me to see things that way too. 

I know this post sounds negative.  I do love J and things are getting better.  But adoption is complicated.  I guess I always thought that once we brought our son home that parenthood would be everything I imagined and its very different.  But even on the hard days I know this is the plan God has for us, I have never doubted that.  So I just have to trust Him and know that this is what is best for me. 

6 comments:

  1. Thanks for such a real post. My husband and I are in the waiting phase of adoption right now. We have a similar story—many years of infertility, married for 8 years now. We live a life that is our own—free time in abundance. We often talk about whether having a child is really what we want. But we keep moving forward with the adoption. I have fear that I’ll regret it. But, I have fear that I would regret not being a mom too. It’s so hard. I guess there is no right answer. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I’m reading, I understand where you’re coming from, and I appreciate your honesty. I hope things continue to get easier for you. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you.

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  2. You are doing an awesome job and it gets easier. To be honest it takes a while to adjust whether your baby is your biologically or not. My husband and I just had a similar conversation saying that we loved our boys because they were our boys at first but now we love them because of who they are. Newborns can be very exhausting and give little back (not their fault just the truth). As they continue to develop and reveal their personalities it gets much easier. A smile and a hug can go a long way. When our boys were first home I felt like they didn't care who was taking care of them and that they didn't know me from a stranger. Slowly they started to need and want me and our connection was formed.
    Anyways, I hope you are getting lots of support and that you have an understanding and helpful partner.
    Take Care

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  3. "Newborns are exhausting and give little back"......that is exactly how I've been feeling but didn't know how to say it. Everyone says the good moments outweigh the bad with kids but so far I haven't really felt any good moments. Its not all bad but its just sort of neutral. Thanks for making me feel a little less guilty :)

    And I do have a great partner, DH is a way better daddy than I thought he'd be this early on!

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  4. Hang in there and know that these are all common feelings. Although I can't comment on the adoption piece, I do have two little ones and know how you feel. The newborn phase isn't very rewarding. You are so tired and still trying to adjust to your new life. When my husband and I were pregnant with our first my dad told us numerous times how our life would never be the same after our daughter was born. And boy was he right! But I can't imagine my life without my kids and feel like I have such a purpose in life now, being their mom. The newborn phase with both of them was tough. Some people love newborns and that stage of life but I looked forward to when they could interact with us. You won't believe how soon your little one will be smiling at you and getting excited when he sees his mommy and daddy. Just know that in time you will discover how rewarding being parents is. Right now you are putting in all of the work but not getting much back but in the near future you will get smiles and laughs and it will make it all worth it!

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  5. It isn't all strawberries and fluff. Don't feel bad at all for being a bit exhausted and wondering if this was the best choice. I haven't adopted, obviously, but it took me a while with Braelen to "bond" also. The whole bonding and hormones thing isn't always true either. When B was born I let everyone hold him in the hospital b/c I just didn't feel like he was "mine". Then I was crazy overwhelmed when we got home and just kept wondering what was wrong with me. However, eventually, all that passed. I kept wondering over and over if I was ever going to love Zahra because she was such a cranky, cranky baby. She didn't smile, like really, no exaggeration, until she was almost a year old. The journey of a mother is a lot more complicated than people really ever say. The mothering instinct keeps those little ones alive while the first year of their lives you learn to adore them. I adore, adore, my children and now wouldn't want things any other way. You are J's mommy and the longer he's around, the more you will feel that way. :)

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  6. I came across your blog and though I didn't adopt I also took awhile to bond with DD. Don't feel bad, it's normal for biological and adoptive moms. The day I came home from the hospital my dog was really depressed since the baby was getting all the attention and I cried to my mom because I was scared I wouldn't love my daughter as much as my dog... I felt like I was babysitting for a few weeks. Now I find it crazy that I ever felt that way. It gets better! My sister adopted 2 of her daughters and has 2 biological and she loves them just the same and the bonding with each took time!

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