Lilypie - Third Birthday

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Different Pages

DH and I are almost always on the same page. Often times, without even prior discussion, we agree on things. DH likes to joke to other people that we don't even read the same book, much less find ourselves on the same page. But that's just a joke b/c he thinks he's funny, in reality we usually agree. As regular readers of this blog know, I'm really coming to a place where I can be happy and excited for my future without children. I won't deny there are triggers that send me back into what I call "Rachel's world". I call it that because its the "give me children or I'll die" feelings. But more and more lately, I see DH and I being complete as two. We don't need children and often I question how bad I really wanted kids to start with. Then I feel guilty because there is a longing in my heart to be a mother. But then I think of all the ways it would stress me out and be an inconvenience. Then I feel horrible for thinking of a child in such a way, children are a blessing and truly a gift from God. Today DH was complaining how sore and tired he is, so I suggested he go to the gym and relax in the hot tub. He said he can't because its not good for his sperm. I said who cares about your sperm? Oops, I guess he found that comment a little hurtful and I explained that now is not a good time for us to get pg anyway because of my new job opportunity. We already talked about this and he knows how I feel but apparently he didn't take me seriously when I told him that I didn't really want to try to get pg anymore. And apparently he still does. My heart broke a little for him b/c I thought we were on the same page here. I thought he was okay living childless. It also breaks my heart that he would have to because he's made to be a daddy and I hate to deny him that. So I guess we will keep trying and if he wants to avoid the hot tub for the sake of his sperm then I'll pretend like I still care about his little swimmers. And if he wants us to still do an IUI around Christmas time then I'll do it for him. I have such a negative attitude, so sure that it won't work that I figure I might as well indulge him with an IUI, it will fail and I'll still be able to work at my new job. How awful I feel about thinking such things. But I love him dearly and I know how bad he wants to be a daddy so I'll keep trying for him. I really do desire to make him a daddy more than anything else. As for making me a mommy? Well either I'm trying to push it out of my heart to avoid disappointment or its really fading on its own - I'm not sure which yet.

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