Sunday, June 13, 2010

So excited about my job!

I've never been much for careers. Never had much drive or desire to work outside the home. I went to college because its what everyone else was doing, I got my business degree because my parents wanted me to, I worked at the daycare because it would be good practice, I started working at the post office because they asked me to and worked at the preschool because I wanted to serve the Lord. Never have I actually been super excited about working. Never did I think that when I grew up I'd want to be a postal employee. But I do, and I'm really excited about it. For the first time ever, I'm really excited about work and I can see myself in this job permanently, like 20 years from now. Up until now everything has been temporary and I've said "its just til I get pg, then I can quit and stay home." Now I find myself thinking, I hope I don't get pg soon cause I don't want to give this up! Huh? Did I really say that?! Right now my position is a temporary but possibly long term substitute. I don't get a raise until I get the actual regular position. Which I'm really hoping I will. I feel like I'm being tested, like they just want to see if they like me first. But I think good things will come of this and I'm so excited to go to work. A bigger office is more active and I stay busier which makes time go by faster and I actually like what I do. I'm the kind of person that likes to use the computers and I love sorting and organizing mail. Weird huh? But that's me. I like putting each letter and parcel in its special place. DH thinks its strange but we all have our things. I never wanted to work full time hours but if they offer it, I'll be happy to take it. I don't want to say its all about the money but finally they will pay enough where I consider it worth sacrificing my home time. I think my attitude is changing and I'm finally starting to accept my life for what it is, not what I want it to be. I'm finally excited for the future with no baby in sight. I've been asking myself this a lot lately, do I want what I can't have or do I truly feel I can't live without a child? Sometimes I think its become so much of wanting what I can't have that I can't even imagine changing my life to make room in it for a baby. I just want to get pg, if that actually happened, I'd be scared to death for the future. DH cautioned me about getting so excited and making plans based on my new job, he says God may just give us a baby now because my plans no longer include it. Well I'll accept whatever plan God has but I almost hope He'll hold off on the baby for a while now. This job could really help us get ahead financially and pay off some of our loans. Things are changing, in my life and in my heart. Some days I ache so bad for a baby, some days I re-live our miscarriage and other critical points of our IF struggle to the point that I just cry my eyes out and then there are days where I say "God, please don't give us a baby just yet, we have too much to do". I have been totally and completely in love with DH again these past few months and I'm so enjoying being a wife that I'm not sure I want to turn into a mother just yet.

Life is so much a matter of perspective and appreciating and making the most of what you have. That's where happiness is found. I recently had a birthday, yep 26 years old, and I was complaining about how I feel so old because all our friends are getting married and having babies. We've been married over 6 years and feel like we're middle aged and past the whole parenthood stage. We have much more in common with my parents and older people than we do people our own age. That makes me feel so much older than 26. My friend who is also 26, has two kids and she also feels old. She feels old for exactly the opposite reason. She feels old because most of her friends are still single and out partying every weekend. She feels old because giving birth twice and caring for two young kids takes a toll on your body. So she is sometimes jealous of me and my unattached and unburdened life, while I'm jealous of her and her family and ability to have kids. Isn't it funny how we both feel old but for opposite reasons? Isn't it funny how we always want what someone else has? Just a matter of your perspective. I'm trying to focus more on the blessings that God has given me, because there are many and I wouldn't trade my life with anyone. I especially wouldn't trade my dear hubby.

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