Lilypie - Third Birthday

Sunday, June 6, 2010

What a week!

I have been meaning to post an update all week but just haven't had time. First of all my appointment on Tuesday went well. I really like this new doctor, he was very warm and friendly and I felt comfortable with him. Sometimes when doctors even just shake my hand it makes me feel weird but I could have given this guy a hug and it wouldn't have been weird. He's very much the loveable grandpa. We have two main medical hospitals and clinic chains around here. One is Sanford, the other Avera. I have always been a patient of Sanford because we have one locally and its always just been assumed that its the superior one. Avera is just as big but it was formed by a catholic ministry and continues to stay true to catholic values. We're not catholic and I always felt Avera was inferior, so I always thought it wasn't really for us. But I loved it! The doctor asked how my DH and I were dealing with our IF spiritually and if we have found peace with God, if we've been through the anger at God phase and it totally surprised me. He wanted to make sure that our sex life hasn't suffered and that I make sure DH knows I love him and our IF is not his fault. What a refreshing change from the impersonal care I was getting at the RE. I would LOVE for this man to deliver my babies but if that's not possible he'll at least be my permanent ob/gyn. Except I'm afraid he's near retirement age, I pray not soon! He doesn't think I have endo and doesn't want to do a surgery unless he has reason to suspect it. I still think I might have endo but two doctors have told me now that I probably don't so I'll take their word for it. He also suggested we give IVF another but totally understands that it isn't an option for us. He said he is happy to do IUIs if that's what we want to do but agrees we should wait until the winter months when DH's numbers are up. He said in January we would probably have a 10-15% chance of success. Not great but when you consider fertile people have a 20% chance each month I guess our odds are pretty good. He said the general rule is 3-6 IUIs and then moving on or giving up. But he did 13 IUIs for his sister in law, because apparently he did it for free. It was the lucky number 13 for her! I don't see us doing 13 IUIs but I'd like to do 3-4 more. We already did 3 but it was at the worst time for DH's numbers so I don't really count it.

In other news, I got a new job! I'm not sure if I mentioned it before but I have been working part time for the post office for almost 6 years now. I work in our little small town office on Saturdays and whenever the postmaster takes a day off. Because its a little office, there is only one person there to sort mail, sell stamps and do all the postmaster stuff. So finally I got offered 20 hours a week at an office in the nearby bigger town, about 7 miles away. In this office I will be trained only as a clerk, so I will only sell stamps and accept packages. The good news is more hours and better pay. I'm excited! I never wanted full time so 20 hours a week is perfect and its half the driving time of the preschool. I'm sad to leave the preschool, the other teacher also got a new teaching job so the preschool is left with no teachers. They will be fine though, I'm sure the perfect teachers are out there waiting for an opportunity. The Lord will take care of the preschool. The post office might not be as rewarding but its still a sweet job and great for our financial situation. Over the past few months I've felt my passion for teaching fade with my passion for having children. I think I simple job with little to no stress, that I can forget about as soon as I walk out the door, is perfect for me right now.

There are still days when my heart aches for children but most days I am accepting our life as it is. I recently read "Baby Hunger" by Beth Forbus and it really spoke to my heart. Its a biblical study of infertility and it left me feeling so positive and happy. Not necessarily feeling like God would give us a child but that it will be great no matter what His plan is. We are so blessed even without children. Its hard to compare our marriage to others, since who knows what happens behind closed doors but I feel like DH and I really have a special marriage. We really are one heart. We may argue about the little things but when it comes to morals and core values, we think the same and always agree. When it comes to daily living and loving our neighbors, we think the same. We might still argue about how to properly do the laundry or who has to cook or who works harder but the real things, the things that matter, those things we are one. Our marriage has become so much better over the years and I think I can thank infertility and God's divine plan for that. When I think of our first few years of marriage, yikes! I'm glad that's in the past! We were so immature! I can honestly look at every seriously difficult challenge in my life and see the blessings in it and how it all worked out for good. I may not be to the end of this infertility challenge yet so I can't say how it all turned out for the greater good but I am definitely starting to pick out the little blessings along the way.

So I'm in a good place right now, things are seeming pretty good. BUT....my SIL is due to have the first baby girl in the family in only three weeks. Three weeks and I watch my SIL get effortlessly handed my biggest dream in life. Its going to hurt, probably hurt A LOT. I'll get through it I know, but its going to be a tough pill to swallow.

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