Sunday, April 17, 2011
7 Years Ago Today
*sorry I don't know why blogger won't let me make paragraphs today.... Today is our 7 year wedding anniversary. I keep thinking about how 7 is supposedly a complete and holy number. I don't feel complete. But our family of two is as complete as it was 7 years ago. I can't believe what we've been through the past seven years. I never would have imagined on my wedding day that this is where I'd be in 7 years. But here I am, beyond my control. Still happily married so I guess I can be thankful for that. Last night DH opened up to me, which is a rare occurance since he's a guy and totally not into sharing his feelings. He expressed many of the same things I feel, like just not being happy because there is no future for us without a family. Things seem to have no purpose when you have no family to provide for, nothing real and meaninful to look forward to, no responsibilities except to yourself. The future begins to look like one dreary day after the next. It broke my heart to hear DH talk like that. Sure I think those things all the time but to hear him actually say it sounded so depressing. I'm sorry that I can't make DH's dreams come true and that he feels like his life will always be missing something. It hurts to always be left out as we prepare for our last childless couple friends to soon announce that they are expecting. Who will we be friends with then? Who will we hang out with then besides my parents? It seems that all our friendships are temporary because we know that someday everyone will move on to parenthood without us and even though we will still be friends on some level, we just can't relate when we're in such different places. This was made very clear to me last week when we went out to dinner with my brother and SIL and our friends. Us girls were talking and all my SIL talked about was the kids. Of course because that's all people with kids do. But then my friend without kids went on about how when she has kids and proceeded to discuss all her dreams of parenthood with my SIL. I almost cried when I realized I couldn't participate in the conversation. I had nothing of value to add, I have no dreams for a family. Then they started talking about this other friend who is having twins. And my childless friend said how she would love to have twins. And I almost cried again because that used to be my dream. And I'm so envious of my friend and my SIL because one still has all her dreams in front of her to look forward too and my SIL has all her dreams coming true. Then I realized this will always be my lot in life. I will always be the outsider. Even when I'm old and gray, I'll be having coffee with my old lady friends and they will discuss their kids and grandkids and I will sit there unable to participate in the conversation. They will talk about their dreams for their grandkids when they grow up and I will have nothing to add of my own. Also this week another of my infertile blogger friends miraculously and naturally got pregnant. I'm thrilled for her as she has put her time in and is another example of God's faithfulness, I just can't help but feel sorry for myself. Once again there is someone who wasn't suppose to get pregnant and did. I hear that story all the time. Everyone knows someone like that. But that story will never be told about me. It seems there are never stories about people who weren't suppose to get pregnant and never did. But that is my fate. That will be my story. There are no miracles in my future. I can't even picture myself as a mother anymore. When I'm around my niece and nephew I have no desire to be with them, no desire to play with them, I don't think they are cute, I don't want to hold and cuddle them, I don't want to make them laugh or smile......I just don't care. My mothering instinct is lost, buried or dead. Its okay though, its easier that way. I know this sounds depressing but I'm really not that unhappy with my life. When I think about the future maybe it is a bit sad and lonely but I don't think about the future much. I wake up and do the job God gave me to do today. Be a wife, be a daughter, be an employee and do the best I can at each of them. Despite our lack of family DH and I are still happy together. Its been the two of us for 7 years and will likely just be the two of us for the next 70 years but there is no reason we can't be happy. We love each other and we love God and that's enough for today. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow.