Friday, April 1, 2011
Hope's Not Giving Up
Okay so as hard as I've tried, I have to confess that I just can't give up hope. Believe me I've been trying. I don't want to have hope, it only makes the disappointment worse. But as silly as it seems there is still something in me that tells me someday we will have our miracle baby. Darn it hope, get out of my head! I want to be done with this and I want to put all our infertility struggles, dreams, disappointments, hopes, fears, and tears behind me and move on. Why can't I get that little voice out of my head that keeps saying, "maybe someday we'll be one of those stories of a couple that gets pregnant on their own after everything else failed." Ugh, I wish I didn't think like that. It is those kind of thoughts that will keep me forever tied to my dreams. I tried to walk away but it seems I'm still dragging those stupid dreams along behind me, trying to pretend they are not there. On a side note, DH is trying to find a new goat for our farm. So on the desk he has a piece of paper with some notes written on it about a goat we are thinking of buying. The goat's mother was named "Miracles". But on this piece of paper DH has the goats name and written next to it "out of miracles". Now DH meant it as in this goat was born out of a goat named miracles, but everytime I sit down at the desk and see it I think, "Yep, 'out of miracles', that describes why God won't give me a baby, especially since He just gave twins to a friend of mine." I almost feel like I'm trying too hard to be negative about this, its just not in my nature but the whole positive thinking thing hasn't worked out for me so far so I might as well try something different. But I'm starting to realize that my faith and my relationship with God won't allow for me to continue with the negativity. While I'm certain we are done with fertility treatments, I can't deny that I will always be hoping that God isn't quite out of miracles yet. Which is pretty much where I have been the past two years. Not much has been changed by this failed IVF after all except that the door to fertility treatments is firmly shut. I'm not sure what will happen with this blog since I don't have much to say or anything new in the way of infertility anymore. I could blog about my weight loss attempts but even I get sick of pretending I'm really going to lose weight only to give it up after a few weeks. You can read my other blog if your interested in our farm, garden, canning and cheese making attempts. I'm terrible at keeping it updated but hoping to make a real effort this summer. I keep them separate because friends and family read that blog, while this one is strictly private, to be shared only with my fellow anonymous infertiles. I don't know what's with blogger making the post all one paragraph, I tried but oh well. Sorry if its hard to read.