Monday, April 4, 2011
Today I was at work in my little post office and this older lady comes in and was going on about stories from her childhood for 45 minutes. I grew up in this little town and I've always known this little old lady from church. She is very outspoken about her faith and her relationship with Jesus. Her life seems to center around Him. So after she went on for almost an hour and I smiled and nodded a lot she says "Oh your so sweet, I just know the Lord has something really special for you, I just know it." Just the way she said it, left me feeling rather uncomfortable, I mean what do you say to that? Then before she finally left she repeated it again and said "I'll let you know when I figure it out". My first thought was thank the Lord, He finally sent me a messenger. Then I realized she is just a batty old lady, she may be sweet but I seriously doubt that she has any insight into what my future holds. But the whole conversation still has me feeling uneasy. Of course I assume if what she said has any truth to it, it would have to be related to my infertility. Although she's never said I do believe she is aware of it because I'm rather certain that my gossiping grandmother has told everyone in town, especially since DH and I are celebrating 7 years of marriage this month and the "when are you having children" questions have stopped from most people in town. Or people think its safe to assume if we wanted or were able to have kids we would have by now. But then I thought well, why do I assume if God has something special in store for me that it would be related to my infertility? God could have a plan for something special in my life that has nothing to do with babies. And then I sadly and selfishly thought, oh well it can't be that special then. I can't imagine how childish and hurtful I must be to God. I pretty much feel like if I can't have the gift I want, when I want it then He can just keep whatever He has in store for me. I feel guilty just typing that. Brutal honestly is harder to take in when its staring back at me from the computer. But it is what it is. I'm still trying to deal with everything that goes along with another failure and pretending not to feel the way I do isn't going to help.