I can honestly say that I have no desire to get pregnant or ever carry my own child. I'm convinced that adoption is the best way to go. I really thought I was over my bitterness towards pregnant women, especially now that I have my own baby, after all that was the goal right? But I will always carry the hurt of our infertility struggles, the loss of our baby by miscarriage and I'll always be a little bitter towards women who can conceive just because I'm jealous they can do something I can't. Even though its not something I want to do anymore. I know, real mature right? It was around Valentine's Day several years ago when we found out that we were pregnant after IVF. So every Valentine's Day I think about that and I think about our baby and the long and difficult time I had with the following miscarriage. I also think about our baby every October because that's when my due date would have been. Its just something that people who have lost babies remember, it might not always be a memory that I cry over but its something I always think about. Well this Valentine's Day the last of my friends without kids announced that they were expecting. Which I could have handled even though it was a total surprise since they had just lied to me and said they were still trying and not having any luck. But she announced it by texting an ultrasound picture the night before Valentine's Day. I was already thinking about our own loss and then I got an ultrasound picture of someone else's healthy baby reminding me of the day we went for our first ultrasound and were told that our baby had stopped developing and that we weren't going to have a baby after all. Every woman's worst nightmare, even worse after all we had gone through to get that far. So I cried... a lot. Thank God it was a text and I could easily respond a nice congrats while tears were streaming down my face. I may be healed enough to accept others pregnancy announcements but ultrasound pictures are still a painful knife to the heart. The timing on this announcement could not have been worse. When DH got home he asked why I was crying since I don't want to be pregnant anyway. I don't know, I thought I was past that too, I mean we have our child, what's my problem?! I think maybe I'm just jealous that they get to experience a joy and anticipation I will never get. With J we were never sure enough that we'd get to keep him to be that excited and announce it to everyone. Even after we brought him home there was always the chance that he'd get taken away. Now I'm still having a hard time being friendly to this friend. And my SIL is trying for their third child. I'm not past my infertility, probably never will be.
There are some things in this life that we can't fix and just have to live with. There are mistakes, feelings, pain and sins that we can't undo or make go away. We have to find a way to live with them and carry on. I wish we could all live perfect happy lives but then how shallow would we be? The most meaningful people in my life that I couldn't do without are the ones that are broken and walked through some pretty dark places. Those people have such a deeper understanding of life, who they are and their faith. I can't imagine how people who don't have the comfort of knowing Jesus live with themselves. He paid for my mistakes and my sins with His life so that I can be forgiven. The scars of past hurts will always be there but without the Healer I would never be able to get out of bed each morning and start a new day. There are so many things to be thankful for and He has blessed me with such amazing friends and family.
Thank you Lord for the dark places, for breaking me and putting me back together, for showing me the depth of my sinfulness and for making me realize how badly I need Your Son and just how important it was that He hung on the cross for my sins.