Sunday, April 7, 2013

Let's Try This Again

I have so much good intention of keeping this blog updated, even if no one reads it, its good for me to write down my feelings.  I should have blogged more last fall about my struggle to become mommy.  Even if the mothering part comes natural I think it takes everyone time to change into that role in their own minds.  It wasn't easy to make the overnight change from the infertile wife with babies in heaven to the infertile wife with a real live baby to be mommy to.  With the stress and exhaustion of having a newborn to care for with a husband always at work, I got sort of lost.  I didn't feel like mom yet but I was responsible for a child and no longer felt young and carefree either.  Trying to find myself and adjust to my new future wasn't easy.  I did some dumb things, I put added strain on our marriage and I looked for answers in the wrong place.  Spending my time in church caring for J and not listening didn't help either at time when I needed to be closer to God and rely on my faith.  But now that I feel like I'm back to being a new version of the old me, I can see that God has used that to help me and my relationship with DH grow in a way I didn't expect, just like He always does with challenges in my life.  J is almost 9 months old and we are all in such a good place.  He is so much fun at this age, I'm well adjusted to being his mommy and love him more than I thought I could. 

So here's what else has been going on the last few months...... We've been to two speaking events about adoption.  The first was a training at our agency and we spoke to other adoptive couples just beginning their journey.  It was almost one year to the day that I was sitting in that same training just starting our journey.  I never would have imagined that a year later I would be standing up front with my six month old sharing our story.  The second event was at a crisis pregnancy center adoption night.  They had a rep from another agency, a lawyer, an adult adoptee and us.  We spoke about our open adoption experience and what our relationship with the birthparents is like.  I was nervous about this one, even though we weren't there to convince anyone to choose adoption.  Of course no one heard what I said because J was giggling and smiling at everyone, he totally stole the show!  Given my bitterness towards pregnant women (more on that in a second), I was surprised that I just felt an overwhelming love for these young women.  They have chosen to give their babies life despite difficult circumstances, even if they choose to parent instead of adoption.  I can't explain why I felt the way I did around them but it had to be a God thing.  I don't really feel like I made a difference in anything I said but I know God put us there for a reason that night and I may never know whether I had any impact on anyone.  Or the reason we were there could have been for us to meet the lawyer.  We talked to her for a while after and she convinced me to go the private route when we adopt our next child.  I'm glad we went with the agency the first time but if we can save $10k next time, we're willing to try going through the lawyer.  She said that we can say how much we are willing to spend and they will not present us to situations that would cost more.  And even though they are part of a nationwide network we can choose to only adopt locally if we want.  I thought if we went privately that we'd have to find our own birthmom but they take profile books to show to the birthmoms that get referred to them through doctors and places like this crisis pregnancy center. 

I can honestly say that I have no desire to get pregnant or ever carry my own child.  I'm convinced that adoption is the best way to go.  I really thought I was over my bitterness towards pregnant women, especially now that I have my own baby, after all that was the goal right?  But I will always carry the hurt of our infertility struggles, the loss of our baby by miscarriage and I'll always be a little bitter towards women who can conceive just because I'm jealous they can do something I can't.  Even though its not something I want to do anymore.  I know, real mature right?  It was around Valentine's Day several years ago when we found out that we were pregnant after IVF.  So every Valentine's Day I think about that and I think about our baby and the long and difficult time I had with the following miscarriage.  I also think about our baby every October because that's when my due date would have been.  Its just something that people who have lost babies remember, it might not always be a memory that I cry over but its something I always think about.  Well this Valentine's Day the last of my friends without kids announced that they were expecting.  Which I could have handled even though it was a total surprise since they had just lied to me and said they were still trying and not having any luck.  But she announced it by texting an ultrasound picture the night before Valentine's Day.  I was already thinking about our own loss and then I got an ultrasound picture of someone else's healthy baby reminding me of the day we went for our first ultrasound and were told that our baby had stopped developing and that we weren't going to have a baby after all.  Every woman's worst nightmare, even worse after all we had gone through to get that far.  So I cried... a lot.  Thank God it was a text and I could easily respond a nice congrats while tears were streaming down my face.   I may be healed enough to accept others pregnancy announcements but ultrasound pictures are still a painful knife to the heart.  The timing on this announcement could not have been worse.  When DH got home he asked why I was crying since I don't want to be pregnant anyway.  I don't know, I thought I was past that too, I mean we have our child, what's my problem?!  I think maybe I'm just jealous that they get to experience a joy and anticipation I will never get.  With J we were never sure enough that we'd get to keep him to be that excited and announce it to everyone.  Even after we brought him home there was always the chance that he'd get taken away.  Now I'm still having a hard time being friendly to this friend.  And my SIL is trying for their third child.  I'm not past my infertility, probably never will be. 

There are some things in this life that we can't fix and just have to live with.  There are mistakes, feelings, pain and sins that we can't undo or make go away.   We have to find a way to live with them and carry on.   I wish we could all live perfect happy lives but then how shallow would we be?  The most meaningful people in my life that I couldn't do without are the ones that are broken and walked through some pretty dark places.  Those people have such a deeper understanding of life, who they are and their faith.   I can't imagine how people who don't have the comfort of knowing Jesus live with themselves.   He paid for my mistakes and my sins with His life so that I can be forgiven.  The scars of past hurts will always be there but without the Healer I would never be able to get out of bed each morning and start a new day.  There are so many things to be thankful for and He has blessed me with such amazing friends and family. 

Thank you Lord for the dark places, for breaking me and putting me back together, for showing me the depth of my sinfulness and for making me realize how badly I need Your Son and just how important it was that He hung on the cross for my sins. 

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