I'm not good at waiting

DH had his SA yesterday. The lab lady that scheduled the appointment totally lied to me. She said that they did have a collection room and I was like, so DH won't have to use the bathroom and she said no. Well when we get there the lady said he could use their bathroom in the lab or go down the hall. Great. So we went down the hall, luckily it was a single bathroom with a lock and the halls were practically deserted at 7am. I'm amazed DH was able to provide a sample at all in such an awkward place. We are so spoiled using Dr. H's room with music, couch, dim lights, everything he needs to make it easier. So he didn't provide a good sample but it will at least give us some idea. I was determined not to get anxious waiting for results. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter, its just a number. Dr. H's office always calls within a couple hours and lets me know the results. I knew the urologist wouldn't be as fast. But I still broke down today and called. The nurse said she can't give me the results because Dr. W (the urologist) has the chart on his desk and won't get to it til sometime next week. So I ask if she can send me a copy. She says sure, but not til she gets the chart back. I was trying very hard to be nice to her but I've become a very demanding patient and wanted to scream "just go get the stupid chart, I wanna know NOW!". But I will politely wait until sometime next week because I chose to go somewhere besides Dr. H where I know I at least get good speedy results. I'm remembering now why I didn't like this urology clinic in the first place. Oh well, its good for me to wait, patience is a virtue I really need to work on.

Another SA

I didn't want to do it this way but DH convinced me. The weather is rainy this week so I called the urologist back to schedule an appointment since DH won't be so busy working. She said we can use the lab in another town and that they do actually have a room they use for collection. When I called they said they didn't but maybe that person didn't know about these things. Plus they can do it at 7am so we can both get to work on time without making explanations for taking time off. So DH is having another semen anaylsis on Thursday morning at a general lab, not at all connected to Dr. H. I always get nervous about these things because we just never know what kind of results we'll get. But on the other hand I don't really care a whole lot anymore. Regardless of the results, it is what is. Good or bad, its not going to change anything. We might stop buying him the herbs and we won't do an IUI if its bad. If the results are good we might keep taking the herbs and try IUI. But it doesn't change the fact that God is in control and we'll have a baby when He wants us to. I do feel this SA is the right thing to do right now. Everything worked out so well and fell into place that I feel God must have had a hand it in. I fear we will get results that lead us not to do an IUI, that's not what I want but I need to keep my ears and heart open for direction. DH's counts this time of year are usually lower, so I'm expecting something like 5mil/ml, 30% motility and 1% morph. In January we had 15mil/ml, 39% motility and 0% morph. Maybe the herbs are helping. It has certainly helped to correct some of the other symptoms he had for kidney yang deficiency. Hoping for the best but preparing for the worst, praying God's will regardless of outcome.

So much for a second opinion

It seems that my Dr. H has a monopoly around here. Not only is there not another fertility doctor for 200 miles, its nearly impossible to find a decent lab to do a semen analysis. A few years ago we had one done at the urology lab but now they moved to a new building and don't have a lab onsite. They send all of their patients for semen analysis to Dr. H's lab. It seems everyone in the whole stupid city sends them to Dr. H and its not even that small of a city! So I called the next closest major hospital. They use the same urology clinic, their urologist travels a couple days a week. They do actually do semen analysis on site but there is no collection room, except the public bathroom. We can't give the sample at home and bring it in because we live over 30 minutes away. DH is not crazy about using the public bathroom to do that kind of business. So now I'm not sure what we will do but I am very frustrated with the way Dr. is always our only option and only opinion. DH wants to have another SA done, even if its with Dr. H's lab b/c he always wants to know where his numbers are. I kinda think we should just do the IUI without another SA. Its taking a chance since DH's numbers are usually down this time of year but SAs are such a hassle and its nearly impossible for DH to get away from work this time of year. I'd almost rather take the chance not knowing what DH's numbers are. Besides they are just numbers, we can't put our faith in numbers. Whether we do an IUI with 1 mil sperm (like in the past) or 10 mil (which we could have had in Jan.), its all up to God whether or not its successful. We will be much better off putting our faith in him. I just started this cycle so I have the next four weeks to really pray and seek His will in this. Right now I feel led to just go for it, but that could be me being selfish because we haven't tried anything in over a year. Its so hard to listen to God's voice when my own desires are screaming so loud. But I have always felt like God is going to give me twin girls someday, maybe IUI will be how He makes it happen. DH doesn't believe its God's plan but I feel it in my heart, some day, some how I'm going to have two little girls, twins or not.

Omaha Doctors

I heard from both the clinics in Omaha. One said we definitely need IVF so we won't be going there. The other had a very nice friendly nurse call to talk to me and she said our count and motility are great for IUI but because of our 0% morph we probably need IVF. But if we could get the morph to 4-5% we could have an excellent chance with IUI. But as much as I liked this nurse their prices are a couple hundred bucks higher than our clinic here. So while I would love to find a new doctor it looks like we may be sticking with the one we have. In about a month DH will have another SA done at the urologist this time and then when we get the results, WE will make a decision about whether or not to do IUI. If WE decide we want to do it, I'll call the clinic and say I want to do an IUI and they most likely won't even look at DH's last SA or our records, the nurses will just say sure come on in on day 3. Dr. H won't even know we're doing IUI until the day of. Besides I'm sure he'd rather have our money on a wasted IUI than not have any of our money since I'm definitely not giving him another 10 grand for IVF. And I really truly believe this is one of those doctors that care about money and success rates.

Thank You God for my Infertility

Wow, who would have thought I'd ever say that? I really do mean it though. Tonight we went to a Tenth Avenue North & Casting Crowns concert. I've seen Casting Crowns before and I've also seen Michael W Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman, Jeremy Camp, Natalie Grant and few other lesser knowns. I have to say that God doesn't use the others to touch my heart the way he uses Mark Hall of Casting Crowns. He makes me cry every time. Of course I am an emotional person. In the bible people reacted many differnt ways when they met Jesus. Without a doubt I can tell you that if your ever looking for me in heaven, I'll be among those at His feet weeping. I just know it, I'm a crier. Two years ago Casting Crowns was at Lifelight Music Festival(www.lifelight.org). We were about a year into our IF and I was really struggling with it. I don't remember what they said but something about praying to surrender things and I did and tears just began rolling down my face. God changed my heart and my outlook that day. That was the day I began to taste freedom from the IF weighing me down. It still had a grip on me though and I think last summer when I read Beth Moore's Breaking Free that I truly did surrender it all and break free from it. That said I do still have my days of course but they get further and far between as time passes. So tonight they were playing "At Your Feet" from their latest album, one of my favorites and mid song they asked everyone to pray with them. And he prayed asking God to help us lay everything at His feet and he started naming all these different things, pain, anger, bitterness, jealousy etc. All I could think was AMEN, cause I'm guilty on all charges. Then there was a long time where they just played softly and everyone prayed to themselves. Here come the tears. I'm always amazed at the power and overwhelming peace of praying in a place surrounded by so many others praying to the same Father at the same time. I must have cried for a good ten minutes before I got myself together. But how can you not cry when God touches your heart?

Here's another moment that touched me....Mark Hall was speaking about how God uses the weak to humble the strong and so forth. He uses the bad to demonstrate the good. He uses tragedy to demonstrate His compassion AND He uses my IF for His Glory. Mark Hall was saying how we are all a trainwreck and we all screw up and have our crosses to bear. He used Paul as an example and how he referred to the thorns in his side, asking that they be removed so he could focus more on his devotion to God. But its those thorns that keep us devoted to God, they keep our heads on straight and keep us on the narrow path. I got to thinking, where would I be without my IF? I've always had a sheltered perfect little life, sure I thought I knew pain and suffering as a teenager but now I see I didn't. Perhaps in ten years I'll look back and think my IF was not pain and suffering, that it was not the thorn in my side it seems to be now. I realized that you can't really know what salvation means until you know what pain and suffering is. So thank you God for my infertility because before this I didn't have the understanding, love and reliance on You that I do now. Without this thorn in my side, if I could just have as many babies as I want, I'd probably be lost in worldly things. I wouldn't have my head on straight and focused on Christ. I can't believe I spent 25 years going to church and sunday school but still missed that all surpassing peace and joy in Christ. Then I thought, okay I'm sick of this thorn, may I have my baby now and take a different thorn? Oops, I take that back Lord, on second thought this thorn isn't so bad, I'm used to it, I've learned how to handle it and I don't like change. I don't want to start over with a different thorn in my flesh, I think I'll just gratefully accept this one. There are far worse things to suffer than not being able to have a baby. But even before that thought, I've been feeling lately that a change is coming. I'm not sure what, I just feel like the Lord is preparing me for some sort of change in my life. It could be good, it could be difficult but not to worry because it will all work out.

One last thing...You know how at Christian music concerts or worship services people put their hands in the air as a way of praise. When Tenth Avenue North was on they were asking everyone to do that and they said they know some people are not comfortable doing that, that some people think its only for the super spiritual, those strong in the faith that get excited about God. I'm thinking yep I'm the quiet shy one that's uncomfortable with that. And the lead singer (I forgot his name) said its not for the strong, raising our hands in the air is for the weak, like a little child asking to picked up and held by their father. Awww, my eyes starting misting up. When I worked at the daycare I was all too familiar with kids putting their arms up to be held. There is something so wonderful about putting your arms up, not in praise but in asking our Father to pick us up and hold us in His arms. Don't we all need our big strong Father in heaven to pick us up and hold us sometimes? Doesn't that just warm your heart knowing all we have to do is raise our arms and say "hold me"?

Easter

We had Easter breakfast at our house after 7am church. My parents, 2 grandmas and brother came. My SIL was away with her family. It was nice to have everyone here since we rarely have any get togethers at our house. Our bathroom and kitchen remodeling projects are done, thank goodness! Everyone left by noon and DH and I got to spend some quality time together. All in all it was a nice way to celebrate.