Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Unexpected Tears

I haven't posted in a while because it just seems I have nothing to say. Life has been rather blah lately. I'm not depressed or cranky but just kinda going through the motions. I feel as though my joy tank is running on empty these days. Then I got to thinking... well I haven't exactly filled up for a while. You see two weeks ago we skipped church cause DH was out of town. Last week we went but there was a substitute pastor who had a good message but it just didn't speak to my heart and we sat towards the back of the church and I never feel as connected to God as when we are right up front. I haven't been reading or praying much either. Its no wonder I'm feeling the way I am. Next week our pastor is back from vacation and our Sunday bible study group will be starting again soon. And I might be crazy but I love advent and lent midweek services. I feel so much better when I get a double dose of church each week. I'm so blessed to be in a church where I can have a meaningful worship service. So many churches these days leave people still feeling empty and that's a shame because then they think God is not the answer to their trouble or that He can't fill that emptiness inside them. But He is the only One who can and its to bad the church can't reach out and show people that. It really is important to find a church that helps you connect with God on a personal level, its really meaningless without that.

I really wish that I had started this blog earlier on in our infertility journey. It has been so good for me to write things out and I wish I had done this during the most painful parts of our struggle. Now days I still feel the pain occasionally but for the most part infertility is not what defines us anymore. I heard once that we should pay attention to "unexpected tears". That means that when something upsets you and you start crying out of the blue, we should think it over and search through the tears to find what is still causing pain. Last night I was laying in bed trying to sleep and I just started crying, out of nowhere. Earlier a friend, who can be a real jerk sometimes, was making fun of my niece because she has an eye that is weak or lazy and often makes her look cross-eyed, especially in pictures. He was just joking around but it really upset me and I felt very defensive. As you all know I'm quite bonded with her. Last week I was holding her and she spit up all over me, it was nasty, but it didn't bother me a bit, even though she screamed the whole time I was there and holding her. I still loved her just as much as when she's sleeping. I wonder how can I love a little one so much and get so defensive over her, when she isn't even mine? And that makes me cry. I'm not sure why exactly and I don't know where those unexpected tears came from, perhaps just me mourning the loss of my future family.

Another blogger, Sas, shared this song on her blog. I've never heard it before and think its a great song so I wanted to share it too. You can listen to it here, or on her blog. So meaningful, no matter what your going through, infertility or otherwise.

1 comment:

  1. hi there. glad you liked that song too. neat to know that it spoke to someone else too.
    i think that it is so true that there will be unexpected tears or unexpected reminders of the infertility journey. even friends who have gone on to have kids have said that it never quite leaves you. i guess it is something about the dreams and desires that weren't fulfilled (at all or) in the way you'd hoped... 'mourning the loss of my future family' was such an apt way to put it.

    anyway. thanks for sharing!