Monday, September 20, 2010

A Tough Weekend

We had a family dinner this weekend and it was tough. I don't understand why sometimes its so hard and other times it makes me so happy. This time I'm blaming the fact that AF is due in a few days making me emotional. I was holding my niece and she went to sleep on my shoulder and stayed there for over an hour. I looked down at her peaceful little face and felt such love for her that my heart started breaking again. Breaking for my own little one. I can't imagine the love I would feel for my own. How overwhelming it must be to be a mother. We went home and I went on all night to DH about how badly I want a baby and maybe we should try harder. Like maybe if we had the money I would even do IVF again. I so wish the economy was good and stable right now. If I knew the future looked promising I would go in debt again over another IVF. But for now I guess I'll just look forward to an IUI in 3 months. At least it improves our odds a little.

On the other hand about a week ago I was babysitting my niece and she's had a bad case of colic. I've heard it goes away after three months but for now its not a lot of fun to babysit her, it was actually a lot of work. I came home that night and told DH how glad I am that we don't have kids because the truth is I'm just too selfish at this point. I can't imagine giving up all my free time and sleep for a child. But I know it would be different if I actually had one. Because once she settled down and I kissed her little forehead, everything felt so right and perfect all the way down to the deepest part of my heart. I can deny it and try to talk myself out of it all I want but deep down God gave me a mother's heart. I just can't figure out why He would do that and then not make me a mother. Seems like a waste of good talent doesn't it? Knowing that God doesn't waste anything I suppose my only choice is to keep listening to His voice and going where He leads me.

This weekend DH and I watched P.S. I Love You. I hated it, it was sad and depressing. Sure it was a sweet story but it felt all too much like something I might experience someday. I can't stand the thought of losing DH and being a widow at such a young age. I know it happens everyday and could very well happen to me but I'd rather not think about it. But it did really make me appreciate the time I do have with DH and thankful that I might not have children but I do have a wonderful husband.

I added a poll on the side for new blog titles. Please vote! I'll explain them briefly. Breaking Free refers to a book I read by Beth Moore that really changed the way I think about things and was critical for me dealing with our infertility. Breaking Free from the hold that infertility had on me was a huge step but breaking free can be about more than infertility. I read once that God gives us all the faith we need on the day we are baptized so we don't ever grow our faith we only grow in our understanding of it. The same is true of peace, we all have it inside next to our faith, we just need to learn to activate it, instead of waiting for it to magically happen, hence the title Activating Peace. Surrender is Stronger is a line from the FFH song I posted earlier this week. Kind of the same idea as breaking free but I like how it implies strength from surrender which most people think means giving up. Which is also what a lot of people think we've done by not continuing treatments or adoption at this time. This blog was meant to shine....taken from an earlier post about Lifelight and letting my life light shine. A heart mended refers to how Jesus is the great physician and heals hearts not with band aids but by making it new again. Finding joy in the storm refers to not always being happy in our trials but always being joyful in Christ our Savior. Please vote on whichever title you feel best describes my blog. I know I don't have a lot of readers but I love to hear what you think!


  1. Jen-
    I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling the way you do! No matter how comfortable or 'okay' you are with being childless, those kind of situations (combined with AF hormones) can definitely bring the emotions back to the surface.

    Question for you...what vitamins do you or your MD have DH on? My MD wanted DH to go on Proxeed, but it's too expensive. I just ordered FertileLife which has everything Proxeed does plus more and is half the price. Hopefully it helps!

  2. hi there. sorry you had a hard weekend.

    the blog titles i like are 'surrender is stronger', 'a heart mended' (voted that one) and 'finding joy in the storm'... these seem to communicate what you have mentioned about where you are at in the journey... hope that helps! have a good week ahead.

  3. I too wonder why I was given a mother’s heart, but then not allowed to experience motherhood. That part of your blog post really resonated with me. I also have taken long breaks during our infertility struggle, and then wondered if I should be doing more. It is a tough and seemingly never-ending battle. I wish you much peace and comfort as you navigate through it all.

  4. Oh, and I guess I should say I found you through ICLW. :)

  5. Stopping by from ICLW...

    I am sorry that you have had such a rough weekend. I think that spending time with family and nieces/nephews can be a little bittersweet. I hope that you get feeling better soon! Big hugs!

  6. Yep Jen. I hear ya on the back and forth feelings about being a mom. But from what I hear, even when you ARE a mom, you might still have times when you love it, and times when you don't. One thing for sure--it's just plain wrong that finances have to factor in to our chances of becoming parents. Somebody's gotta fix that...
    Pix--Cheese Curds and Kimchi

  7. Pixie - that's comforting that even when you ARE a mom you don't have to always love it, I know others complain about their kids all the time but I feel like as an infertile, if I ever do get to be a mom I'd be required to love it all the time and when I don't I'd feel guilty.

  8. You know I've felt the same - thinking that children (other people's) are hard work and in a way I'm glad I don't have that right now, but then someone told me that it's different with your own kids...