This past weekend we went to Lifelight Music Festival. Everytime I've been there before or to any kind of Christian music concert I have a "God Moment". A moment where I feel His presence and feel Him put His healing hand on my heart. This time I didn't have that moment and I'm feeling a little disappointed by it. No song or statement particularly spoke to my heart. I've been thinking about this and trying to figure out why. I really think that I just don't have the pain I used to. I've spent millions of tear on infertility and I just didn't have any this time. All I can think about lately is how much worse my life could be. I would take infertility over a hundred other worse things. I have my DH, my dog, my parents, my health, my church, my job, my Savior. The other day I actually said outloud, "well we've never been through anything really difficult or painful.....oh wait..." I haven't exactly forgotten the pain of losing our babies or the pain of losing our dreams for the future but in some ways I have forgotten. I can still remember how bad it hurt like it was yesterday but its filed away in the back of my brain, my heart is healed and I no longer have that constant ache reminding me. Some days I just feel guilty for not feeling sorry for myself anymore and some days I feel like I'm missing part of me, the part that used to sad all the time. I feel like I'm suppose to forever be sad about my babies that went to heaven and all my babies that will never be. But I'm quite sure its Satan himself whispering those destructive thoughts in my head.
Now to contradict all my blogging about letting IF go......December/January doesn't seem that far away and I'm sort of getting excited to try another IUI with the new doctor. But I'm almost equally afraid it will work as I am afraid that it won't work. However the great part about the whole situation is that I don't have to choose whether I want it to work or not because I have no say in it. I just have to do what is required physically and financially and let God decide how it works out. He knows best. If it still isn't our time that's okay, we're going to put forth the money and effort regardless of outcome. I do have to say that the time does feel like it could be right for this to work. In the past I've asked myself "why would this work now? what good has come from this trial? is it really time to move past infertility?" and each time I just felt like I wasn't finished with infertility yet. Even when our IVF worked I actually said to DH before we did it that I thought it would work but we'd probably have a miscarriage because that would provide the most opportunity for growth. This time my heart has changed. I'm a totally different and I think better person than I used to be. I really feel like I'm ready to be done with infertility, not that I've learned all I can learn from it but its just not forcing me to grow in my faith anymore. Sure there are still moments of unexpected tears but for the most part infertility is just not challenging me anymore. Who am I to say when my lesson is over though. God could have many more lessons to teach me though infertility for all I know. I do feel things are going to change somehow because I've become too comfortable with my infertility. Either we will get our miracle, which would greatly change our life and challenge our faith in new ways...or we will endure another loss somehow made more painful that the first. I almost feel like just putting these thoughts into words is somehow challenging God to bring me a new more difficult trial. I hope that's not how it is but the truth is I'm bored. I need a new challenge, new excitement. I love my life the way it is but its time for something new.
One thing I did take away from Lifelight was something MercyMe said about their song "This Life." The lead singer said that some of the most boring, grumpy people he knows are Christians who think they are just surviving until they can get to heaven. He said we are meant to enjoy this life and live it to its fullest. God has blessed this world with many things to be joyful about and "we were meant to shine, not just survive." So I'm going to make a more thoughtful effort to make sure my life shines - because it was meant to. God didn't put me here just to put in my time and take a bunch of tests before I get to heaven.