Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Need To Relax

I'm a planner, I like to be on a schedule where everything is predictable and controlled. I'm starting to freak out about this IVF. ER is likely a Sunday or Monday so I wanted to take Monday off just so I didn't have to worry about it. Then ET would be Friday or Saturday. I wanted to take Friday off so I could relax, I still have to work 2 hours Saturday but have someone on standby just in case ET was that day. But today my one and only sub informed me that she can't work Monday or Friday that week. Well that's just great. Now I have to wait and see what day I will need off for sure, then at the last minute beg and plead with someone who has no idea how to run my office, while being indiscreet about why I can't just reschedule my "appointment" for another day that my sub can come. My RE is so not flexible, everything has to be on their schedule.

But the stress doesn't end there. I begin to worry about how many eggs should we go for? Should we limit fertilization again? Should we freeze eggs? Should I just trust my RE to do what he does best? What if I get OHSS? What if we freeze 10 embryos and end up pg with twins? We will not abandon our embryos but we do not want 10 kids. What if we fertilize 10-15 embryos and none of them survive til day 5 transfer? What if none of them survive to freeze? What if we have to cancel because I can't get out of work? What if we spend all this money and end up with nothing again? What if we have another miscarriage? What if we have a baby that isn't healthy? What if we have twins that don't make it to term? What if we have twins that die from preterm or complications shortly after birth? Or DH's worst fear...what if I give birth to a healthy baby but then die from a blood clot a week later like our otherwise healthy neighbor girl/friend did? What if everything goes perfectly and we end up with a take home baby and I can't handle being a mommy?

What if I just stopped worrying about all these things and trusted God to control everything?

Isn't worry a lack of faith? I just need to relax and put this in his hands. That's what I said I was going to do but that's not what I'm doing. I'm freaking myself out when I should be relaxing and preparing my body to accept life. This is so hard. I just need to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow is my baseline. That's all I need to think about right now. Everything will be okay, God will take care of everything according to his plan.

1 comment:

  1. that's one of the hardest hardest things about infertility stuff huh... just never knowing how to plan. it is like a world of maybes and ifs and could-bes and argh can be so frustrating. thinking of you as you are on this cycle.