Bmom is 39 weeks today. I can't imagine what she's feeling right now but here's what I'm feeling. I've never run a marathon (I'd like to someday) but I imagine somewhere towards the end you start to feel like you can't do it anymore and you won't be able to finish or that it isn't worth it. The last few days have been like that for me. I try not to let the what ifs get control of me but they kinda do. I know bmom had an appointment on Monday and with her amniotic fluid being low last week, I thought it was possible they would have to induce this week. I'm thankful they didn't since now I am done with work and after today my to-do list will be done. But I went all week without hearing a word from anyone about how she is doing. Its very frustrating this close to the end. Last time I went 5 weeks without an update and when I asked the agency for one they never called me back. I get that they're busy but do they not care about adoptive parents at all?! They must know how we are feeling through all of this and that we need updates to put our minds at ease. So finally yesterday I texted their social worker and said "How is ___ this week? Have her fluid levels been okay? Any signs of labor yet?" and this was her response....."doing fine." Seriously!? 8 days before due date and that's all you'll give me?! I was so frustrated and she really just killed my excitement. It may have been better if she just hadn't responded. They say they provide adoptive parent counseling but at what point does that happen? After we bring the baby home? Cause I could sure use some support right about now. Our social worker emails me once every 3 weeks and says "just checking in, when's the baby due again?" Uh don't you have that in your file or something? With our second meeting she called 1 hour before the scheduled time and said "oh I forgot to tell you, you have a meeting with the birthparents today." Lucky for us the agency called to set up the meeting so we were already almost there (4 hour drive). I love our agency, I really do but I've never been a fan of our social worker and I'm feeling like they could provide a little more support right about now or at least a little more communication. Are they even going to call me when the baby is born? Of course she said she would but I'm starting to wonder.
As we come closer to our time at the hospital it feels like this is it, this is what it all comes down to. What if he's not healthy? What if they don't sign? What if we come home with empty arms? What if I can't do this? How do I drive away with someone else's baby while they are in tears over it? It just seems so hard and so overwhelming. Yesterday I cried to DH again saying I can't do this and I want to give up. I haven't done that since our final homestudy visit. I don't really want to give up of course but it just feels like so much. We've had a really good adoption experience, a great one by comparison to some but its still really hard. Even when things have been going so smoothly and we had such a short wait and great birthparents, its still hard. I'm just going to stick with what's worked for me, not think about it and leave it in God's hands. He'll handle this much better than I would.
I wrote my first letter to J this week. I started a journal for him that I'll give him someday. DH and I got gifts for bmom and bdad last night. A locket with J's name engraved for her and a key chain with the name engraved for him. We also got a digital picture frame to give them on our first visit after the baby is born, by then we can have it full of pictures of him. I told DH its kinda risky buying a locket and key chain engraved with the baby's name cause what do we do with it when they don't sign? DH told me to stop talking like that and have a little faith. God's hand has been obviously all over this from the beginning and we just need to trust Him. Besides that we both feel in our hearts that this baby is meant to be ours. Even though people say that all the time and are disappointed we're still going all in.
The freezer is stocked with easy food for when we get home, our bags are packed, my house is clean and now we're just waiting for the phone to ring!