Thursday, July 19, 2012

Still Waiting

Still no baby, still no update.  This can't possibly be normal agency behavior.  If I have no right to know what's going on then I wish they'd at least tell me that.  Yesterday I emailed my social worker and asked her to talk to their social worker and get me an update.  I haven't heard back from her.  I know I should just call but I don't want to bother them, what if it is standard policy that they keep me in the dark and they think I'm just annoying?  But this can't be right, I'm sure they are just overlooking me or think that I'm fine with not knowing anything.  We'll see if my social worker gets back to me today but I'm pretty sure she's just going to tell me to be patient. 

Last night I had a dream that we finally got the call and she said that the baby was born a few days ago and they decided to keep it.  Its not hard to see where that dream came from with them not giving me any updates.  For all I know that really could have happened and they just forgot to call me!  Okay, probably not but its starting to feel that way.  I have loved our agency up to this point but the fact that they are providing so little support right now is ruining my trust in them. 

I'm sure its stressful enough waiting for a baby when your pregnant and going to the doctor appointments but its even worse when you have no clue if this baby is getting ready or still two weeks off with no signs of labor.  Plus I'm stressed about work because they haven't found me a permanent replacement, the boss won't email me back about it and as of July 30th, there is no one to work for me.  All of that combined with the fact that I had to beg people to work for me this week and now I feel guilty because the baby isn't here and I'm home when I could be at work.  Bmom didn't want to be induced but her maternity leave starts on her due date.  So maybe when she is no longer working she will be just as ready as I am to get on with this. 

I know I sound ungrateful.  We have had such a great adoption journey and I'm making this worse than it is.  If I would just have a little more faith in God's perfect timing maybe I could have a better attitude.  In some ways I wonder if the past is part of my bad attitude.  I do kinda feel the same way as I did after a failed treatment cycle.  Like its impossible for us to ever have a baby, like its never going to happen, like I was silly to get so excited thinking this time was going to be the one that gave us our baby.  There is no reason for me to feel like this is over but for some reason I do, even though we have been sure the entire time that this baby is meant to be ours.  I don't know what's getting into me here.  I know she can't keep the baby in there forever and she will eventually go into labor but she can keep him forever in her arms if she chooses to. 

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