Monday, January 4, 2010

Another Cycle Gone

I've stopped counting at this point. I was hopeful this cycle would be different but my temp went down today at 13dpo so I'm sure AF will show up right on time tomorrow. Although I've sworn off medical treatments we did decide to try the conception kit by Concievex this month. Now that I have tried it, I can see where the Instead Softcups would give you the same effect for much cheaper. DH has always had better numbers in the winter months so we thought it would be a good time to try it. I'm curious about what his count is these days, its been almost a year since his last SA. I'm not curious enough to bother with another test, what if turns out badly? I'd rather just sit and wonder if we even have a chance of concieving on our own, at least that way there is hope. The whole idea of the conception kit or the Instead cups seems to make sense for us. The only issues we have is MF and my tilted cervix/uterus. Of course they say that doesn't impair fertility but when we already have very few swimmers to work with it can't be good to make it more difficult for them to find the cervix. I could barely find it when using the conception cap! It is definitely tilted and way high to the right.

So with AF sure to show tomorrow, my hopes are crushed another month and honestly my hopes at all of the kit helping us. It just seems like if it was gonna work it would have worked right away. Of course that's ridiculous, I know enough about getting pg now to know its not that easy and even takes normal fertile people a few tries sometimes. But I keep telling myself that its all so silly to worry about. No matter what we do or don't do, we're not going to have a baby until God decides its time to bless us with one. I guess its just not our time. So I have to wait. But patiently waiting doesn't mean we give up trying and certainly not give up hope. I gave up for a long time after our miscarriage and it felt good and right to not try. But now I feel like I have to try, just to show God I still care enough to make an effort. DH has always felt called to adopt, me not so much. I try to stay open to it but its just not in my heart and then I feel guilty because I want my own baby and adoption is so complicated and expensive. For a while I seriously thought about embryo adoption but decided that didn't feel right either. At least not right now. The only thing that feels right right now is to keep waiting. But I'm sick of waiting! I want to do something! But I still feel like God is asking me to wait. Its been a year now that I have felt Him telling me that but how long is He gonna ask that of me? When I think of the bible stories, I find it is less than encouraging. Of course what is encouraging is that each story of infertility turns into a very special miracle. The part that is discouraging is that all those women had to wait several years, even up to 25 years! I can't wait that long. It just seems like if I have to wait that long, we might as well just forget it. By the time I'm 50 babies will be the last thing I want to have.

In spite of the fact that I may have a very long wait ahead of me, I truly believe that God will give us a miracle someday. I often have dreams of holding my baby girl, with dark hair and eyes like her daddy, and she's perfect in every way. She is my Hannah Faith. It used to make me sad and depressed but now that dream and thoughts of it fill me with peace. I know she exists and if I never get to see her in this life than I know it must be my lost baby in heaven with Jesus. Either way, some day that dream will come true and I'll hold my Hannah Faith in my arms. Its just a matter of waiting.

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