I just want to thank everyone for their prayers the past few days. I could definitely feel them working. I had a terrible day Friday when the baby was born, just feeling sorry for myself. The next morning I woke up feeling so much better thanks to all your prayers. We didn't see the baby until Sunday morning when they were all settled back in at home. I think not going to the hospital helped. She's an adorable little thing but as I was holding her it just wasn't the same as when my nephew was born 18 months ago. The longing and heartbreak just wasn't there this time. I sat there for a long time trying to decide if I really want a baby or not. I do but at the same time I don't. I like my life with DH the way it is and I'm not so sure I want it to change. On the other hand I really have a mommy's heart and I can't deny that. When I think of living a life without children I can accept it and even look forward to it now but it makes me sad that that is the new reality. I almost cried because I wasn't that jealous of my SIL having a new baby. Thursday I cried because I was jealous. What a confusing mess of emotions I am these days as I come to a new level of faith and understanding. I really feel I am ready to let go of my mommy dreams but I still feel like I'm mourning the loss of them.
With a new baby in the family we are once again getting the questions about what we are doing to have a baby and of course the "why don't you adopt?" questions. I'm feeling pressured to have kids again now just because my SIL is. Why do DH and I have to have kids? Everyone acts like we are not normal or like we're just giving up because we had a m/c a year and a half ago. One and 1/2 years ago, wow time does fly! But its not giving up, its moving on and no one seems to understand that. What's wrong with not having kids? Its not like we chose this path all our own, its just the way God has led us. Its not like I expect fertiles to understand but they could at least keep their mouths shut. I know they mean well but let it go already, I have. Its not something I get to choose like everyone else in the world. We tried everything we could, enough is enough. And why don't we just adopt? Because it just doesn't feel right for us at this time. Why isn't that a good enough answer? Children do not define who DH and I are and it does not determine the completeness of us. We are Complete as Two, until God decides otherwise.
I was pretty much the same way when my SIL had her first and then second child. With her first I was so thrilled that my parents would have at least one granchild, but I was so sad that it hadn't been from me. With her second I was really mostly neutral. Sad, but it felt much different than the first. Maybe easier, I'm not sure. Definatly different.
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